chapter 9

As an adult in my mid 50's I look younger than my age. I ran and bicycled and worked out. I was at a cross road in my life, lonely and depressed. I had time to think because I had just accepted a buy-out from my place of employment. I found work aggravating. I think my partner found it energizing and a social source. We were quit different.

I know that I needed more tenderness and affection. I never got affection as a kid, or any part of my life for that matter. Oh sex with men - that's not necessarily affection. The foreplay helped sometimes I guess.

So, they say you only get back what you put out there. But, when it comes to affection sometimes I need a start from the other person. So far in my life I have had to initiate most of it, except for sex with men. And then in a way just being docile was glue enough that I was an open door. I wasn't must of a challenge..and got to a point where it didn't matter. Men want sex, they're easy.

Women? It's a totally different story. I have no idea what they want...life long commitment. Someone they can lead. I have found with my mother and friends and men that if you do whatever they want then you are in good standings. Being a "yes" person is key to "their" good relationship. I guess that is okay if you get your needs met too. You know lots of affection and sex. I've never in my life gotten much of the too together.

So, the older I got the more scare and lonely I got I guess. All I know I had to get out of my relationship and away from my family. My partner went through surgery and with I fell in love with her doctor. It just happened. She was the kindest, sweetest, most caring person I had ever known in my life. I guess I needed love, warmth and affection so much more than I could have ever imagined. Anyway, bottom line is that at one appointment I let her know how I felt about her. I couldn't help it. She felt that I was down; I told her about my relationship ending and she put her arms around me. She saved my life! She'll never know that; but she saved my life that day. I had never felt more love in my life than at that moment. I still think about her from time to time. She will always be in my heart. I had never felt so much love before..

Anyway, I went on to become single and totally detach myself from my family. Alone but happy I had gone on to meet and date a young woman. We were together most of the time for about four months. I was head over heels in love with her and it took me about a year to get over her. Of course hanging out with mutual friends and wanting to get a glimpse of her made the pain just last longer.

I miss the good doctor.