chapter 10

When I was a kid living on a farm only three miles from town, but it could have been twenty-five as much as I got there. I rode my bicycle down the long lane and all around and down the long narrow county roads. I rode further out into the country roads through the farms and fields rather than towards the highway on the way into town.

I was happy when I rode and took in the beauty of the landscape. My favorite times were after a Spring rain when everything was sparkling fresh and clean and the fresh plowed soil smelled rich and promising of new growth.

The shy was so clear after a thunder shower and a rainbow in the East shown bright and brilliant. It was quiet and peaceful. I rode my single gear bicycle with coaster brakes and heavy slightly rushed fenders up and down rolling hills. My legs were strong and my heart light.

Riding my bicycle was a great way to get exercise which would left my spirits. My family life was taxing at best; with harsh, cold, sometime even cruel staunch German, strict demeaning family. I was just a kid and an easy target I guess. Anyway, it was tough living with them and I was depressed and lonely. Worse yet, I lost trust in others. I always second guessed any ones kindness..mostly men or boys. If a young woman was sweet to me I immediately fell in love with her and day dreamed about her all the time. It was an escape. I loved to be held and loved but not by my family. We just didn't connect. There was no bonding.

Later more daydreaming and music was a big help. I was pretty much a loner and scared and not quite sure how to act around other kids, teens or young adults. It took me a while to warm up. I was shy. I was more confident around some people rather than others. My mother always worried about what other's were thinking so after a while I came to the conclusion that everyone else was more important than myself. What others did and thought was more important then what I did or thought. It was very difficult trying to please and second guess everyone else's wants and needs, my friends and my mother in particular.

Young adulthood was very hard I wasn't really interested but still flattered when a boy asked me out. I had heart felt feelings for girls and young women but hide them and that hurt very badly; but, I felt I had no choice.

I already knew I was never going to marry or have kids. I just didn't have the heart for it. I was depressed and unhappy basically but pretended many times that I wasn't. But, in all honesty my heart just wasn't in a lot of things that I did. A lot of times when I went out with boys I was just glad to get home. So, why did I got out? Well, it was expected, I should have been flattered and other's happiness and feelings came first. I should have been glad that someone liked me but I never really trusted them. I just thought that boys were being nice to get a kiss or more.

Yes, life was hard!