Chapter 11

I have a very young friend whom I adore because she reminds me a lot of myself at her age of 26. She is shy at times and taking it all in. She is idealistic and pure of heart. She has a sincere and caring heart.

When I was 26 years old, I had already been a hairdresser for about ten years. Yes, I began beauty culture school during the summer after my junior year. We lived in the country and I was terribly bored and I wanted to learn a trade so I could begin making some money. I wanted to pay for my first car myself. I didn't want to owe my parents anything. Somehow through my childhood years I got the "don't ask us for anything" message and I took it to heart.

I graduated form high school in 1965 ready to go to work at a beauty shop. Well, in my heart I wanted to be a psychologist but again got the message along the way that I was not college material; so why even try. As it turns out I did get by bachelors degree at age 50. There!

I could not find a well enough paying job elsewhere as a hairdresser so I settled in and worked for my mother in her small town beauty shop. I guess this worked pretty well for about ten years. We got along fairly well I guess. I respected her position as a boss. I was readily available to do her hair and leave sooner to get dinner on the table by the time she got home.

Working there wasn't bad because I had enough money and my own car to go out at night and have fun with my friends. Yes, I was secretly a lesbian although I had not totally convinced myself yet of that notion. I just thought that I didn't like guys or didn't want to get married because my mother had a rotten marriage which she would never get out of. I sword I would never live like her.

I could never understand why all these beautiful young women who were working and making some sort of living wanted to get married. I just couldn't figure it out and I was heart broken because I knew I could never love a woman and I did so very badly have crushes on women. So deep inside I hide my secret and I suppose I was very depressed. I was fine when my friends remained single but as soon as they hooked up with guys then I became a little secretly depressed and heart broken. I could never let on.. no one could know my secret.

But my dear friend today who is 26 has a girlfriend and is free to love who she wants to love. It's wonderful. And yes, my heart does ache with jealousy at times. I feel I missed out on so much. And the younger lesbian look like feminine women and I truly love that. They polish their toe nails and dress very cute and are themselves. And I am so jealous of that too.

Of course I wasn't a lesbian when I was young because I did not fit the butch dyke stereotype which I so disliked. Why would a woman want to act like a man? And somewhat feminine women like butch men. I don't! The women I had crushes on were feminine and I loved that so about them. No wonder I was more confused then words could ever say. And once more I had no roll models and no one to talk to. No one! Not until I was about 40 years old and things in society began changing and I seen that there were more women as myself and some were indeed more feminine such as myself.

So basically, I wasted my 20's and 30's because of the Catholic church so called moral teachings and hypocritical ways and because I lived in a small rural community and not in a college town. College towns and big cities were more liberal minded. I was so trapped in my environment and stuck past the point of crawling out of it. I was trapped in uncontrolled ignorance.

However, I did remain true to myself for not ever marrying and having kids only out of a sense of duty or guilt. I think probably too because I hated my mother and "Women's Lib" bra burning was the craze. Only that was an embarrassment to me..did they have to take their bras off? They still married men? Dyke was a bad word in society. My roll models were few but giants such as tennis star Bill Jean King and feminist Betty Friedman and Gloria Steinem.

Men and woman both hated the bra burning feminist for the most part because they were a threat to the natural flow of things. Up until then both men and women had their specific roles to play out in society. I'm sure the church and government loved it because people were easily manipulated and controlled simply by a well known news magazine article. As a society in hold people believed in their church and government and if a member of either got out of hand society in general refused to acknowledge it and pretended not to notice; therefore the perpetrator was not apprehended or admonished. This was my environment and it was confusing and scary and distasteful to me.

So, yes, I love my young friend because in a way she reminds me of me at that age with her hopefulness and realistic nature. She wants to believe that people are looking out for one another and have each other's best interest at hand. But soon she will discover that especially people of power or the worse there are filled with corruption and greed and lack of caring for human life. She will learn that in religion, big business and government it's all about power, money and greed.

Even when I was a kid I learned that government was a business like any other business and that war was for economic power; but I thought for the general overall economy not just for a choosen few corporations. WWII created many jobs and business opportunities that were lost when the war ended. Then there was Korea. And then the big one for eleven years: Vietnam. And can you imagine - the draft. Drafting men into a needless war!

No wonder the hippies protested and there were songs written to rebell against the establishment. Ours never was a government for the people by the people although during speeches almost everyother line is: "I speak for the America people when I say..."