Chapter 8

When I was in grade school I started out very shy but as time went on I was only shy around older girls who were cute and nice to me. I was an average student and envious and jealous of the more affluent and smarter girls.

I was bored when I was an upper class men in high school and started in my Junior year summer at beauty culture school at my mother's suggestion. I really was interested in psychology but was not encouraged to pursue my dreams and always made to believe that I was indeed an "average" student. I wish now that I wasn't so worried about people liking me but more interested in doing my own thing. I just didn't have the self confidence. Somewhere along the line at a very early age, I got the impression, from my mother mainly, that I would be loved if I did what she wanted. It called conditional love. I should have gotten unconditional love and lots of encouraging and nurturing. Instead I was trapped.

So, I applied this philosophy of conditional love to my friendships and other relationships with guys. In my heart I loved girls and had crushes on them but society and the church may me ashamed and believe that I had to hide my feelings for other girls. I felt I was the only girl like me having those feelings for other girls. I tried very hard to follow normal and accepted social norms and dated boys but my heart was where the girls were.. Anyway, it's what the church (the church rules every aspect of civilization) preached. Whatever happened (it never existed) to "love thy neighbor as thyself"? Why not - "let's get along and love and respect each other's differences". After all isn't that what life is all about. We are all created equal in the eyes of the universe.

When I was very young and even as I grew up, no one dared stepped out of their box or color out side the lines due to fear of being ostracized and lose friendships.

I have always had crushes on girls and later on young women, even older women. Yet to keep social standards and to maintain my friendships, I never let that side of me show. There were no lesbian except for the very butch dyke types on Harley's. And I knew I wasn't like that so how could I be a lesbian. So, I dated men but loved women.

I broke many male hearts all due to stupid christian social rules. Not fair! I can't wait to come back and do it all over again. But, next time I will have a beautiful, tender and loving mother who wants me and is the wind beneath my wings. I will be very cute and very intelligent and of course lesbian. Only in my next life, I will begin early and be free to love young woman openly.

In my twenties and thirties I dated men and must say I know I broke some hearts. While I dated men, I was in love with women. They never knew!

When I was in my early forties, I got into a fifteen year relationship.