chapter 12

Today I had a flash from the past as I was out on my run. I was running along the left side of the street facing drivers. When an elderly gentleman was going to turn left in front of me. Well, he was way into the turn so I would have had to run in the weeds and broken branches to run on the left side of his car like his big finger directed me to.

Suddenly I got a blast from the past and was determined to go against his directions. Bile from my gut welled up in the form of anger into my throat as I turned quickly to the right to make sure no care was coming from behind and ran across the street in defiance.

My whole childhood was directed by the big male finger. I was nothing more than a stupid nuisance holy than though men had to put up with. Actually, to boss, ridicule and put me down was the highlight of their day. Men were mere morons and assholes getting a big kick out of knocking and keeping down the little guy.

Here I was nothing but a kid, a girl, at that and I experienced constant ridicule, resentment, anger and belittlement. So much for being a big man...picking on a little kid and then young woman.

By the time I was a young woman working I hated them all yet I tolerated their crap and I don't know why. I guess we get stuck in the misery. But, I finally woke up even though it took me many years.

Anyway today that old man and that director, boss, godly, authoritarian finger pissed me off. I will no longer be told what to do or be ordered around. I have had enough of this from old men and men of that generation in particular think they just know it all. How dare you think you are better, smarter, wiser or more powerful than me.

The men in my family were like this. I learned too at a very young age not to ask them for anything and so I didn't. The lease I owed them, I felt the better. The slate was clean when I did my disappearing act. There was nothing there for me - nothing. They were fools! They thought that if they belittled a women that that made them men. They were worse in front of each other. Which appears to me that most men are indeed gay. They are so worried about impressing one another it turns my stomach.

And why do men like to watch men play sports? I'm a lesbian and I love to watch women play sports! So what does that really tell you.

If men really loved and respected women and were not gay they would have treated women equally from the beginning of time. But, no, a small group of men wrote up the bible and wrote it to theri advantage. Yes, let's make the women sub-serivant and weak and not allow them to be an education and say it's because they are incapable of learning anyway. Just as "god" if there really is one.. I think humans (men) made that up too! would have created everyone equal... it's only common sense.