Chapter 3

Years later when I dated I guess I was faltered that the boy asked me out. I went out with boys but secretly loved girls. I had crushes on girls and never had crushes on boys. If I said something about a girl being cute my brother would scold me and say that is what boys are supposed to say. "Someone will think that there is something wrong with you." He preached. He was always preaching and knew everything. I was so jealous when my aunt (whom years later I found out was my sister and not my aunt; that my mother gave birth to her when she was fifteen. A life long family secret or so they thought they were keeping secret. I felt betrayed when I was sixteen and found out at my "sister's" wedding.) taught him to dance. He was going to be able to ask the girls to dance.. I could never ask a girl to dance. A girl would never like me the way she liked a boy because girls were boy crazy.

My heart was crushed. I was doomed. I would never get the love that I needed - never. My heart ached. There was no other girl like me. They were right I thought; I am weird. All I know is that my heart hurt all the time and I felt so alone and daydreamed a lot and fell in love with the TV stars in the TV shows that I used to watch. And I would dream about them at night and daydream about them during the day and this would be my love. I loved them but never expected love back..so it didn't matter that they were off somewhere in Hollywood.

I took pleasure in being spoken to as a friend by the girl I might have had a crush on. I felt privileged when they spoke or invited me to join them in games and things. I was always in agreement so they might like me. I discovered at an early age that my mother acted like she liked me if I did whatever she wanted me too so I carried this behavior onto my friendships with girls and dates with boys. They would ask if I wanted to do this or that and I would reply "I don't care." No matter what they suggested I was in agreement with, so they would like me.