Chapter 10

I remember as a kid knowing every make of car there was; knowing every song on the AM radio station in the car. KXOK 630 I believe what the number on the dial. KFUO was for the farm report I dad listened too. Then there was the Belleville station that played Otto Schultz polkaa every day after lunch. I listened to the clock radio positioned on top of the refrigerator. As soon as dad left the house I turned the dial back to the rock and roll station. I think the radio was my company.

We lived in a the country and in the summer time I was usually at home alone most of the day until my mother came home from work. I usually had a list of chores to do. When I got older I had dinner ready.

Vietnam was a hot issue for most of my youth.. from late 60 to early 70's when Nixon finally ended it due to it's unpopularity across the nation. Many young men were dodging the draft and moving to Canada. They felt the Vietnam war was needless and only a war for profit for some big businesses. It became a very unpopular war.

I believed it was the reason JFK was killed; he didn't want the war. He got in the way of big business.. my personal opinion and observation at the time.

American were preached to and encouraged to support their president and back their government; the church echoed their support. It was, after all, the 60's and respect for authority was demanded; women were secondary and children; well, they just didn't count at all especially females. Boy were wanted and encouraged to sprout their wings and explore life. Girls had few choices in life: Marry and be a wife and mother. Or stay single and be a spinster librarian, secretary, store clerk, nurse, teacher and a telephone operator. Yes choices were very limited. The newspaper employment ads listed male and female job categories. There was no cross-over and no coloring outside the lines. We all had our places in the social scheme of things.

My destiney as mapped out for me. All I know is that I was sad a lot and music, beautiful sunny days of day dreams and pretending, and bicycling alone on the country roads were my escape from my reality and doomed destiney that plagued me.

I was loney and had crushes on girls at school whom I never got to see all summer, because I lived in the country. It's amazing to me - we lived only about four miles from town. Yet at the time I couldn't ride my bicycle to town and kids never called each other. It seemed the town kids had friends and the country kids; well, I guess they were just "out of luck". Besides I was shy. I was not out going at all and the more time I spent alone the more awkward I'm sure I appeared.

It took me awhile to get back in the swing of school when it started up again in the Fall. I was more confident as a sixth, seventh, and eighth grader. I was scared to death as a freshman in a whole new school and environment. I was very shy. Us Catholic country kids hung around together. While all the town and "public" school kids had their own set of friends. I was very shy. I had so many crushes on high school girls. They didn't have a clue.

I never had a crush on a boy and couldn't understand while girls carried on so about boys. I knew better than to vocalize my nervous warm feelings for girls especially some upper classman. Usually, I had I special girl on my mind. She occupied my mind all the time.

Yes, I was faltered when boys teased me and laughed and talked to me. I was very nervous when a neat girl would kid me if she said she thought I was cute or complimented me in the least little way; I was suddenly so in love and so nervous. But, I couldn't let on. I couldn't tell anyone. Life was like this for me well into my thirties and near my forties. No woman ever knew how much in love I might have been with her. I was careful for fear of being ostrcized and ridicules. Besides I knew of no other woman like me. Oh once in a while I saw the extreme butch women on bikes they called dykes. And people laughed at them; or were afraid of them. I saw them and knew for sure that I couldn't be a dyke.

My life was so lonely. Yet, I managed to have fun with my friends with double dates and parties and many laughs when I got old enough to drive. When I was about seventeen or eighteen and began going to beauty culture school out of borden and my mother's suggestion. You see by then I had no brain. I pretty much wanted to be a psycholgotist but was not encouraged and told I wasn't college material. I wasn't straight out told; but, my mother would say neither she nor dad were smart and therefore we weren't either.

It was understood that my brother would have the better job after all he was a young man and destined to be head of household. Me a wife.. I guess. But, in my mind was knew I would never marry or have children. I knew in my heart that I would need to be self-sufficient and make my own way. There was no way I was going to be dependent on anyone; for sure not my parents or a man - god forbid.

I eagerly made the car payments to my dad after he bought a used car for me. I eagerly got a job. I never asked for anything. I moved out at 21 and lived with my cousins, two sisters and boy crazy. They weren't with me long before they got married. I dated guy and secretly was in love with my bestfriend. My heart ached! In my head there was no way I could even think of wanting her so I pushed the thoughts and feelings as far back inside of me as I could. Life was pure hell. I was temporary company until a boyfriend and future husband came into the picture. My only salvation was that most of the men she dated were assholes; so I knew she would be around for a while. I was of course very sympathetic when she ciried over him. In my heart I did feel bad but too was also glad to have her around me a little while longer. Once in a while I would give hugs.

People just didn't hug. They only way I got held was during sex and somehow I never associated the two because my sex was with men. I could connect emotionally with men so I only took and could not give. Not like I can with a woman. So many years later in my fifties I found that it turned me on to turn her on. It was wonderful to finally "give" while having sex. It was so wonderful to kiss all over someone you loved and loved to touch. I just went through the motions with men. It wasn't fair for either party; but, I could only do society's bidding.

Somehow I managed by catching small crumbing of kindness and affection from my friend; never from my family. My family was cold and distant and liked to belittle and degrade me. After all women were useless in a German heritage family. Women were mere incubators, cooks and maids. It was depressing to see.

I mostly remember my parents fighting and arguing all the time; certainly never setting a good example of how married people and parents should behave. It was purely awful. One dad they were fighting and after he left the house my mother expressed the desire to stab him and twist the knife in his gut. I was horrified I had never hear anything just as this before. I mean literally telling me that she wanted to kill him!

I thought to my self I will never get married and live like her; never! And I never did. I was always self-sufficent and made my own living. I never had the desire to get marry (what? to a man - no way?) or have children. Now, I truly love and appreciate small children and I realize now that I have missed out on so much. But, it way to late now to have a change of heart.

Anyway, there was never a desire for children of my own. I never wanted any children of mine to be exposed to my mother or grandmother. Oh my god! I depressed any desire. In fact, I just didn't like kids. I never gave them a chance..I didn't have the love in my heart.

I loved and still love feminine women. So, there were certain friends I truly enjoyed being around. I loved the bars, the cigarettes, the music and the night life. But, after so many years all my group of friends called "the group" paired off and got married. There I was alone again. The only one left hanging out after work at midnight with the waitresses.

I was about forty then, I was working a good job at the phone company. Actually, I thought I died and went to heaven when it came to pay and benefits. I saved with them and soon bought a condo.

In my early forties I decided settled for being alone the rest of my life. I couldn't do it with men anymore...make believe. There was however, one man that I dated off and on for about six years. I did love him. He was like my mother I guess. He had a way of making love to me that was affectionate. He was a good lover and made me feel very feminine; but, something was missing..that feminine connection. Something was missing. Oh, I had a crush on a woman at the same time; of course, she was never away. I was afraid I would be laughed out of town and ostracized and lose all of my friends. I tried to be calous and not care about anybody.

I think I loved my ex in the same way. She is still important to me. But, I can tell in my heart that I have moved on to want to love very deeply and sweety. Tender love and affection is what I crave to receive and give. I know she is on her way to me.

Anyway at age forty I did come on verbally to a woman (my ex) at work. I have no idea what I was doing. I think I just thought it was time. I totally forgot about all the sex I ever had. We, she and I, were not really sexually compatible... yet I let it go on. We came to be good friends and together for fifteen years.

After working for forty years with 26 years at one place my job went away and I accepted a buy-out. Suddenly I had a lot of time to think as I rode the country roads and trails. I was lonely still. I couldn't stand my mother; not even to talk to her. I just wanted out! I fell in love with my partner's doctor. I was so in love. For months I thought of nothing but her. My channeler said she and I would be together. I told my partner I want to end the relationship with her was it was but remain friends. It broke her heart. I was dumb; but, actually felt that this woman and I would be together. My ex moved out in 10/04. 9/21/04 I let the good docter know how I felt about her. I didn't mean to; it just happened. She was polite and didn't lecture. Actually, she was very sweet and I will always love her for that. She was very sweet to me.

In 5/05 I met and dated at 35 year old ( I was 57 at the time). She and I dated for four months and were together most nights. In 5/05 I stopped speaking with my so-called family. I could no longer stand to be in my mother's presence...for quit some time already. Later at the end of June 2005 I sold my condo and moved to Missouri.

I feel free now. Many times I think people think I'm nice but they don't understand my distance from my family. I never talk about them or anything about family. I'm sure I'm an emigna.

I haven't been in a relationship since 10/05. And decided I didn't want to be. Oh, I took on a lover about a year later. During the course of casual conversation and I found out that we had a lot in common..being without sex for almost two years.

She and I play it safe getting together on ocassion and making love. It's nice. It's some I needed very badly. She too, I think.

One day I'll be in a relationship and very soon I think. My new love will be a woman so much like the good doctor that I will feel like I am holding her again and she is holding me. She and I, we had a moment of love. It was very tender and at times at miss her terribly.