A Problem of Intimacy

I wonder what my problem is? Is it commitment? Fear of being dominated. Incorporated that special someone into my life of friends and activities? I think the later applies.

I meet someone, see them casually and orgasms are electric. Then they begin to dominate the situation and I'm done. I get to the edge and fall back and can't reach an orgasm. It is very frustrating.

This relations has been fine for a year because I called the shots. One afternoon a week. I loved telling her of my friends and the running and the golf and all other activities.

Soon, I began incorporating her into the mix and the organisms won't happen. Even after she wanted to book the vacation in February of 08 which I was so hesitate about. But, I know myself and the nearer it got the more I would resist and pull back sexually.

A week of non-organismic sex? No thanks! Besides can't go to the bathroom around someone special in my life either. Don't ask me why? I was in a fifteen year relationship and it took me the longest time. I never went on vacations for that reason. If I did, I went to the bathroom immediately when I got back home. The same thing happens even for one night.

I think my sexual problems began after seeing her casually, weekly or twice weekly for a year. Frankly, I liked that arrangement. And I liked keeping her "separate" from my friends. Well, I messed that up and began doing other things with her and introducing her to my friends.

The orgasms are gone and they were so electric that they would about send me to the ceiling and out the roof. Now? Nothing but frustration and a dull heartache after hours of trying.

I guess it's time to move on and find another. I'm tired! I'm frustrated! This has happened all of my life. I finally gave up in my 40's and had a 15 year non-orgasmic relationship. We slept separately. I sleep very lightly and can't even sleep with anyone. I'm really messed up.

She would never stay and sleep with me finally when out of town she did. She kept me awake with nervous jumps and twitches. She's horny all the time...and comes all the time! So, did all of my other sexual partners. They never had any problems! It doesn't even make me angry any more...I accept that I have intimacy problems and other people don't. They can get off all the time...not me. The more simulation I get the less I want after a while...but I think it's emotional simulation more than physical. I'm just not a relationship person I guess?

After many years the frustrations builds up and I began to blame people...my family. Well, they are a bunch of idiots anyway. I never fit in there and it seems the ass holes abused me! I was also raised in isolation without friends or friendly siblings. I was used and abused.

I'm tired! I thought this time this relationship would be different. Well, it's not! I was the same with guys too in my younger days. As soon as they incorporated me into their life...gone were the orgasms. I died inside. I'm so tired. I will never go back to men. No I am a lesbian....I'm just a mentally, sexually, emotionally messed up lesbian. And tired!

"Preacher Primary is next week not in New Hampshire but in Orlando

Read this and worry. Republicans are seeking the evangelical votes. Yes, the Republicans' first primary is in Orlando at the annual meeting of the National Religious Broadcasters. GOP presidential candidates will be there to try to generate a buzz that will translate into evangelical airtime - and support in the "base" in 2008

Sisters..

I just read a book "She, Myself, and I" by Whitney Kastel. Oh, I came across it at the nearby library when I was on Jury Duty several weeks ago on 1/29/07.

The story was an easy read and quit interesting. The story was written in the first person told by three different persons, sisters, each with their own chapters. A different way; one that I have never read before. Usually, in the first person the same person tells the whole story throughout the book. In this one each of the three sisters their say.

Anyway, the point I wanted to make was that the sisters were close like very good friends. I never had that. There was animosity in my family between siblings. I guess we reflects our parents. My half-sister never lived with me. She lived in town; I lived in the country on the farm.. so isolated.

I've never had close sisters. I think that if I did, I would be more comfortable and easier to be around friends and make friends. I do okay but I never had that comfortable feeling that I could just pick up the phone and call. I never felt that comfortable around my siblings or family. And in later years I got the feeling that they only called when they wanted something.

The whole thing was very weird and awkward..that was my experience with these people. I never felt close. I never shed a tear when my father or both sets of grandparents died. I haven't seen my mother, siblings or any relatives in over two years and could care less.

I cried when my dog died. I'll cry terribly if something would happen to my ex. She is my family. I can talk to her. I feel comfortable with her. I feel comfortable with my friends.

It's so wonderful to have those people out of my life. So, I guess that says a lot! I am a warm hearted kind person with a good heart and a rotten past.

I was abused, so abused in so many ways. I was stuck with those people out there.. alone with only my daydreams to sustain me. I daydreamed someone loved me. Usually, my object of affection was a TV or movie star or a sweet, cute, kind hearted person at school who looked out for me and was sweet to me. It made my heart ache. The loneliness.

I am a lesbian and had to live the straight life which severity added to my pain. Oh my god! Now that I have had so wonderful lovemaking with a woman I know now what I missed all those years.. until I was 57 years old and was with a 35 year old. Two years later today, I am the most passionate lover. I have a wonderful lover now. We have a very special relationship.

I finally came out when I was about 40. I hooked up with my ex for 15 years. I did and do love her. We had a wonderful relationship and then I retired in 2003. I guess I had time to think? I don't know. But through the years things changed. We never had sex and we slept separately. We are still close friends and I'm glad. Because I know with her I will get an honest answer and she has my back and I hers. I trust her.

When I was a kid I had crushes on girls. I never had a crush on a boy. When I became a teenage boys asked me out. I was flattered of course. But, there was no emotional connection. Oh, I was sexual and a woman is aroused by stimulation. But, I wasn't into him. So, I cheated my way through life. I wasn't really there in the relationship. I was with him but in love with her. My closes way to her was through him and double dating. She had no clue that I had a crush on her. This my friends was my life until I was forty years old.

I can't think back and feel cheated. I gave that feeling up. You see not long ago I had a crush on a 26 year old. She is with a young woman. I got over the crush. She is my friend and I get a big kick out of her; out of both of them.

I'm in a better place. After our split, I wanted to hang with younger people because they were active and liked to do the things I like to do and I wanted to do those things and I did and they were magical. Like go to the bar and dance and drink. It was magical! Like beat in half marathons. Magical! Like dance the swing with the best of them.. and I did. It was magical! And I made love to a 35 year old. It was drop dead gone to heaven magical! Making love to a woman...oh my god! Super magical!

I can't feel sorry for myself about all the wonderful young women I never got to love because I had to live the straight life. Well, I loved them, I just couldn't express my love physically.

So, I feel life is a journey. I know now to that we get what we want. I wanted all those magical moments and I got them. But, it wasn't until I wished for them and truly believe I could make them happen.

If only I would have known that wonderful message as a kid. And the message, "The Secret" is that we have the power to create our own realities. The church doesn't want us to know this. The church, any church, any religion, is nothing more than a group of authoritarian, supremacist, totalitarian, Communists manipulators who want nothing more than to be worshiped leaders and speak as if they were god herself. Frankly, I think, and I know this will shock you, but, I think the idea of a superior being is made up. I know! I know! everyone around the world believes in a god, a higher power. But, when you think of it when the so called "bible" was written, many religions spun off of others. Remember the Christian crusades..how they KILLED people who wouldn't believe or wouldn't join their religion. Look in Ireland how the Catholics and Protestants are still fighting...over who is the one true religion.

Why is there all this fighting and killing in the name of god and in the name of religion. Why do they hide behind "god"? They are such hypocrites!

If there truly was a god, she would not have written in prejudices, and homophobia. The religious say we are sinners. Well, something has to be broken (you) so they (priests etc) can fix you. It's all a scam. The biggest scam of a lifetime. And people are so gullible that it's pathetic!

I think people just do not want to think for themselves. They would rather follow a leader.

Anxiety

I was born into a unbalanced, disleveled, hostile, adverse, antagonistic household. Fear and uncertainty was ever present. I was scared most of the time. Afraid I would be abandoned. And I was abandoned in a sense. Little did I know then what words to use to describe how I felt; but, I guess I felt lonely, scared and insecure. Unloved! Even if I had the words to describe my childhood environment, I had no one to talk to about it. No one!

My mother lived a life of anxiety and was always complaining and fretting about everything and I took those feelings into myself and carried them into my adulthood. So, I too worried about everything and was scared. When most people merely took events and projects in stride I antagonized with every thought and moment.

I was mostly alone and scare as a kid and as an adult. I guess there were good things that my childhood taught me. I learned not to trust or depend on others and I learned to love myself. I learned to be self-sufficent and not depend on anyone. But, maybe that is not a good thing?

To compound matters I had affections for other girls and women. I searched for the love I never received as a toddler. By my first birthday, I was too big to hold. There were no hugs, squeezes and kisses from either parent. My father was extremely distance and either laughed at me or was yelling. He always preached, as did my brother. Yes, they preached, corrected, controlled, dominated, punched, pushed, kicked, smacked and ridiculed. My mother never saying a word in my defense. In fact, I got the feeling by seeing the slight smirk, that she actually, enjoyed it.

I was alone, with them, out in the country. All summer long never seeing my friends from school. I saw my cousins once in a while but there was something wrong with that family too I guess because my mother complained all the time about them.

What was left? I lived in daysdreams and pretended someone loved me and she was very warm, tender, loving and giving. She would hold me, kiss my head, squeeze me tight, and I loved her so much. Oh, she might have been a movie star, TV star, or an older girl at school who was once kind to me.

Our childhoods stack and shape our adult lives. It's the foundation from which we have to grow from in one way or another. I entered this world mostly in a state of neutral. I do believe that subconsciously (our spirit) that we do bring things with us from past lives such as common sense or the lack of it. But, other than that we are in nuetral just hungry sponges wanting only to love and be loved and to learn.

I know I brought some idealistics with me because I knew even as a toddler that my mother was pushing me away, was cold. And that my father sat back and added to my grief by laughing at my pain. Or maybe he was happy she pushed me away too.

Apparently, signs of affection were signs of weakness according to my family. But, being a lesbian, I learned to hide my feelings from other women. It was taboo to be in love with another women according to our social standards and customs at the time. An abomination, an evil force according to the church and therefore by all society; but not according to nature! I have always loved women and girls as a child. My heart aches because I believed that I was alone in feeling this way. I had no roll models and no one to talk to. I truly hide my feelings until I was in my forties and more lesbians were visible. Although the obvious ones were butch and unlike myself and that even confused me more. But, I knew my days as living as a hetersexual were over completely even if it meant that I was asexual for the rest of my life. No more men! I just didn't connect with them. I couldn't give back emotionally or sexually. I only took from them. It was cold and my heart ached ..for her. But, when I was finally with a woman, I thought I died and went to heaven. I was home!

Now, today, I am very sexual with a woman. It's like I can't get enough. Just the nearness of her body lying there next to me drives me hot with desire to make love to her. I never felt that way with a man. I never wanted to kiss a man all over. With her, I can't get enough. So sad because I finally found this reality in my 58th year.

If I think about it, it makes me very sad that I had to wait so long to fine my niche. Especially when I see my friends who are young couples together so in love! It makes my heart ache with envy. I still don't have that.. only the sex. Some day! I have left that dream up to the universe. I put my request out there and now it's up to the universe to set up my future with a loving, tender, sweet, wonderful woman who is available to me in full and shares my lifestyle, loves, passions and tenderness and who looks like Helen Mirron with blond hair.

chapter 14.. it never changes

All if know is that it never changes. I never felt loved as a kid or deserving of love and I don't as an adult. I loved women as a young woman and could never have her whom I loved so much. She never knew!

That was in the 80's, in my thirties. I fucked by 30's away with men. Living a fucking nightmare life to please society, family and the fucking church. And for fucking what? So someone else could be happen and maybe not ashamed.. Mother fucking assholes! I sacrificied my life! And for what? And for who? Fucking moroons that are no fucking better than me!

In my youth I loved women. In my 30's I loved a woman who never know I loved her very much and it broke my heart when she got married to a man. I died and kicked the furniture and begged to die.

In 2004 I fell in love with a doctor, a woman. I wanted to love her.. same fucking thing. I always fall in love with the unattainable it seems. Why is life so cruel to me when I have so much love in my heart. Of course, I'm not a fucking asshole. I don't just want anybody.

I fell in love with a much younger woman. I love her dearly and it's killing my heart. Why does god do this shit to me. I would rather fucking die! Hey, thanks a lot for this misery that my heart has to endure!

I am sick of this and just want to fucking die. All of my friends are pairs off... but me. And I"m the fucking cute one! I'm nice! I don't complain! I am sick of all this fucking shit. I told god and the universe back in the 80's that I wanted off this fucking nightmare loveless fucking ride. My mother never loved me.. nor any of my fucking family or relatives. My love was daydream love; pretending that someone actually fucking loved me and that fucking shit still goes on today. This is how I live my fucking life! Pretending! I have love possiblities dangled right in front of me yet I get no love interest.

I'm starting to get fucking pissed now! Motherfuckers! And they try to tell us we create our own realities. Yeh, turn it around and blame the fucking victims...some moroon man must have have thought of that one! Assholes! Have a good fucking life.. I'm out of here! You all pissed me off one to fucking many times.. now you can just stick it up your fucking ass!

Chapter 13 American Autos

When I was a kid I could remember every make and model that was built. After all there were only a few.

It seems not only the auto but everything was simpler then. Men could work on their own cars. Good thing because they were breaking down all the time and break down were the expected norms; after all it was mechanical and mechanical things break down...typical American motor company excuse. Little did the consumer realize that the American auto maker consciously built in break downs by using cheap faulty parts so the driver had to spend more money on parts and labor. Repairs were built into the profit equation.

As still today American cars sell to a particular male audience pushing muscle and rumbling exhaust pipes that now seem silly and too blue collar for today's young professionals. Today blue collar relates to lower middle class.

I can't figure out why the American auto makers have never decided to move ahead but still mimic their 80 year old daddy's ideas in car design much to their in the red margins and very possible total demise.

I remember the rock and roll of our 1955 Dodge. It was very unstable around corners and when you hit the break the car kept rocking back and force. I think this was all for giving the passengers a smoother ride. There was always something wrong with it.

I hated stepping out into the soft mud with little rock when I was kid. I wished I lived in town where there was at lease pavement. I longed for concrete curbs and sidewalk. Maybe in a recent past life I lived in the big city and therefore hated muddy dress shoes.

I hated dressing like a girl, but that's another chapter. Our car didn't take us very far. We lived less than five miles out of town. I could run that easily now. When I was a kid it seems so far away because I was alone without friends. And there were only boys in the neighborhood. I daydreamed a lot about shinny new convertibles. Blue was my favorite color.

When I was a kid the best ticket price at the homecoming, beside the crowning of the queen, was the sky blue Chevy convertible. Oh, how I wished we could win it. I was too young to drive and envied the young people who were old enough too. I envied the boys too because they could ask girls out. The pure fact that never would be able to made my heart sink.

I always had that ache in my heart. But, the one time my brother got a warm feeling and let me drive his convertible into town was so cool. Of course, none of my town friends were home for me to give a ride. And it seems the ones that were just weren't that interested. They weren't as thrilled about riding in a convertible as I was..must have been a "hair" thing. So, a super thriller evening turned out now to be all that great.

I learned a lesson that evening and that was not to depend on others for a good time. I learned to create and enjoy my own good times by myself and not to let others stop me from doing what I love to do. I bicycled alone as a kid and still as an adult because my closest friends and eventual partner never liked too. They were not interested. So I entertain myself.

Same with running. If I would have waited for others to want to run it never would have happened. I guess I learned an important lesson and that is to follow your heart.

But back then it was unladylike to do anything physical. Girls were taught to sit and watch boys perform and cheer them on. Girls were weak and it wasn't lady like to join in sports. When we did play basketball in PE it was half court basketball and girls didn't have to play if they were having their period. It was disgraceful for me. Another thing that depressed me was weak sissy women. Little then they know that the male culture was conditioning women to keep them in their place at home with the children and out of the sports arena a work place. Men were the important, intelligent members of society. Women were weak and had to be taken care of. I hated my youth and the time period I had to grow up in. I saw the media social conditioning going on and women fell for it; of course, they had no choice in the matter. Women were financially depended on men, just the way men preferred it. Trapped!

chapter 12

Today I had a flash from the past as I was out on my run. I was running along the left side of the street facing drivers. When an elderly gentleman was going to turn left in front of me. Well, he was way into the turn so I would have had to run in the weeds and broken branches to run on the left side of his car like his big finger directed me to.

Suddenly I got a blast from the past and was determined to go against his directions. Bile from my gut welled up in the form of anger into my throat as I turned quickly to the right to make sure no care was coming from behind and ran across the street in defiance.

My whole childhood was directed by the big male finger. I was nothing more than a stupid nuisance holy than though men had to put up with. Actually, to boss, ridicule and put me down was the highlight of their day. Men were mere morons and assholes getting a big kick out of knocking and keeping down the little guy.

Here I was nothing but a kid, a girl, at that and I experienced constant ridicule, resentment, anger and belittlement. So much for being a big man...picking on a little kid and then young woman.

By the time I was a young woman working I hated them all yet I tolerated their crap and I don't know why. I guess we get stuck in the misery. But, I finally woke up even though it took me many years.

Anyway today that old man and that director, boss, godly, authoritarian finger pissed me off. I will no longer be told what to do or be ordered around. I have had enough of this from old men and men of that generation in particular think they just know it all. How dare you think you are better, smarter, wiser or more powerful than me.

The men in my family were like this. I learned too at a very young age not to ask them for anything and so I didn't. The lease I owed them, I felt the better. The slate was clean when I did my disappearing act. There was nothing there for me - nothing. They were fools! They thought that if they belittled a women that that made them men. They were worse in front of each other. Which appears to me that most men are indeed gay. They are so worried about impressing one another it turns my stomach.

And why do men like to watch men play sports? I'm a lesbian and I love to watch women play sports! So what does that really tell you.

If men really loved and respected women and were not gay they would have treated women equally from the beginning of time. But, no, a small group of men wrote up the bible and wrote it to theri advantage. Yes, let's make the women sub-serivant and weak and not allow them to be an education and say it's because they are incapable of learning anyway. Just as "god" if there really is one.. I think humans (men) made that up too! would have created everyone equal... it's only common sense.

Chapter 12

I had a great day.. it took me a while but I finally got my butt out doors.. to run the five miles to the gym; then swim for about forty minutes. It was fun. I just wish they had more swim lanes. If I was extremely good at swimming I won't care so much..but I'm not and I feel I'm going to get in the way of a good swimmer when I share the lane. Well, I'll just have to get better at it. Today I was watching the "professionals" and they make it look so easy. .. I mean the breathing technique that goes along with free style swimming. When I turn my head back and open my mouth and breath in.. I don't really breath in.. I don't think. I need to work on this. Because after three strokes I have to roll a bit and do the side stroke untill I breath through my mouth good four or five times. So, I know I don't inhale when I turn my head to the side..I'm afraid I ask of inhaling water. So, I need to work on this. Here is my goal: To be able to swim and look good at it; oh, and do that flip thing at the end and continue swimming.. it looks so cool. Especially when women do it. I can't help it.. I so love women.I'm looking at older women in a different light as time goes on... and since (much to my surprise) I'm one of them. But, I'm not really! I guess I'm like the old lady who is 90 and lives on her on and is active and when she speaks of someone her age who is sickly she refers to them as "old". And says. "I don't like hanging out those old people". and it makes you chuckle.I also knew a women who was in her 80's and volunteered at the hospital carting sick people back and forth in wheel chairs who were younger than her. I just thought of another couple well into their 80's who still do meals on wheels twice a week.So far I am not doing any volunteer stuff; but, I well probably in time. I just need to take of myself right now. Besides it's nice but it's not a requirement. We are here to be happy and take care of ourselves. Didn't you know that! It's ignorant religion that makes us think we have to sacrifice ourselves for everyone else's happiness.Can't you tell that I was rised Catholic. Oh my god! My happiness wasn't to come until I died and went to heaven; but, first I had to sacrifice my happiness and worth here on earth. Anyway, it was the idea I got from the church and my mother. Life was hell! And it really was.. my childhood was very painful! God, these people were unhappy, and cold, and angry and just down right mean.. and they tried to verbally, (mostly) ripe you apart every chance they got. It was awful.And this crap tarnished you for life.. everyone else was better. I was meant to serve. I knew for sure I was meant to make my date (boy) look good, good wiser, appear smarter and he got to drive the damn car. I said "yes" to every idea and made it sound like it was a great one.Do you know how many times I was glad the date was over? Why did I even go? I was programmed to be flattered when a boy asked me out. Of all people to ask out.. the one who is least interested. I never flirted.. I didn't care! I must have been some sort of challenge or something. Oh how my heart ached for her.... I was always so in love with some girl.. ...damn my heart ached..... most of my life.. because I knew in my heart it could never be.I thought that too, I was the only one like this... I never ever discussed my strong feelings for women.. ever. Not with her! Not with anyone else. My brother put a lid on that when I was a kid....and corrected me! "Boy, talk like that, not girls"! When I exclaimed that "she was so cute". I was crushed.. doomed from the very start! God, life hurt.. so bad!I was depressed. So I settled. I loved her.. she never knew. Things got more tough when I began to have sex with men. I wanted to touch her like he touched me. There was nothing in it for me.. with a boy.. he had everything.. I had nothing. I could only receive.. not give! Of course, guys caught on got bored I guess.... and moved on.I could only be her best friend. And things were good when she dated jerks.. and I knew they were jerks.. but then she needed me more.. for a shoulder to cry on.. my heart ached.But, sooner or later all my girlfriends paired off. I was getting sick of them talking about "him" all the time anyway. What really hurt real bad was when they were finally in a good relationship (or so they thought.. well some were for them) they would say. "Gee, we wish you would fine someone.. we want you to be happy too!"Do you know that I know a young lesbian couple.. who about expressed the same sentiments. Hey, I just got out of a long term relationship.. okay, it was two years or more ago. But, I never had my 20's or 30's with young women... and those wonderful, beautiful bodies. Makes my heart ache. Of course I got crushes on younger, way younger women. Don't worry and used my head and didn't make a total ass of myself. Well, two times.. I was in my fifties, they were in their thirties! You know .. sometimes .. the runner stumbles!But, I'm getting my head screwed on "more" correctly now I think. I have a lover who is a year older than I am.... and it's very nice... Very!I can't help but wonder and miss the good doctor from time to time. For some reason I have been thinking a lot about her lately. I wish she could just wrap her arms around me and heal my heart (even if just for a minute) like she did that beautiful sunny fall day in September in 2004. I so felt her love that day. She saved my life! I miss her! I wish I had that feeling back once again.. that connected heart-to-heart feeling when she held me.. I can't explain it. I think the universe sent an angel that day to heal me.. to love me. God I miss her!Did you ever think something or someone in your life was totally impossible? But, remember that when you were with her..she was very easy to be with. I ended her sentences and helped her think of things.. that I knew she wanted to mention. I know it sounds very strange. It just might have been my imagination or my desperation that made we think we connected somehow.. maybe spiritually? I don't know.All I know is that I can't shake this. But, when I watched "What the Bleep Do We Know?" I see that we can perpetuate a thought or feeling because when we think of something the synapses (electrical message firing between cells) remembers... that path gets built and in order for me to stop the pattern from repeating over and over again. I need to "change the subject" so to speak whenever I have thoughts of her. It's tough, especially when thoughts of her are a comfort to me.. it's very tough. Like it was when I was a kid; daydreaming about "her" a wonderful woman in my life.. someone who was kind to me usually; or cute, was comforting to me and gave me a sense of hope.. it was the love for me that I created for myself. I know that wonderful woman in my dreams loved me.. and wanted to hug and comfort me... I knew that.. because.. they had been nice to me.So, I know exactly why I fell so in love with the doctor.. she was cute and very kind and had a wonderful sweet way about her...he loved me.. if only for that moment.. she loved me.. and that day when I needed to be loved so much.. I felt her love. I had been thinking about her for months.. all summer. Hard as I tried, I couldn't shake thoughts of her.Bottom line.. something was wrong with my life and I wasn't getting my needs met. My family was driving me insane.. I hide that I was retired for a whole year. And truth be told, for the first time in my life.. I have time to relax and think and daydream. I felt sexual once again, that the stress from working such a hectic job was gone now. So bottom line my life took on a major change... some people get sick for change.. I fell in love. But, I ended the long term relationship, moved to another state, found a 34 year old to date and have sex with and ditched my so-called family. Yes, major changes! I was head-over-heels for that 34 year old too. Oh god it was magical.. pure magic! And I guess what happened to me was that I allowed myself to be myself and not allow other people to influence me.. Oh yes, I was in therapy once again.. I had been through the years because of the Catholic guilt thing and feeling that I had to please everyone but myself. It took me three therapist and many years to come to the point where I just ditched them all... I am important now!I think everyone should go off the deep end once in a while.. not just mid life crisis.. maybe on a regular basis.. life is to explore.. everything in it and about yourself.Now, I'm back to being me.. totally.

Chapter 11

I have a very young friend whom I adore because she reminds me a lot of myself at her age of 26. She is shy at times and taking it all in. She is idealistic and pure of heart. She has a sincere and caring heart.

When I was 26 years old, I had already been a hairdresser for about ten years. Yes, I began beauty culture school during the summer after my junior year. We lived in the country and I was terribly bored and I wanted to learn a trade so I could begin making some money. I wanted to pay for my first car myself. I didn't want to owe my parents anything. Somehow through my childhood years I got the "don't ask us for anything" message and I took it to heart.

I graduated form high school in 1965 ready to go to work at a beauty shop. Well, in my heart I wanted to be a psychologist but again got the message along the way that I was not college material; so why even try. As it turns out I did get by bachelors degree at age 50. There!

I could not find a well enough paying job elsewhere as a hairdresser so I settled in and worked for my mother in her small town beauty shop. I guess this worked pretty well for about ten years. We got along fairly well I guess. I respected her position as a boss. I was readily available to do her hair and leave sooner to get dinner on the table by the time she got home.

Working there wasn't bad because I had enough money and my own car to go out at night and have fun with my friends. Yes, I was secretly a lesbian although I had not totally convinced myself yet of that notion. I just thought that I didn't like guys or didn't want to get married because my mother had a rotten marriage which she would never get out of. I sword I would never live like her.

I could never understand why all these beautiful young women who were working and making some sort of living wanted to get married. I just couldn't figure it out and I was heart broken because I knew I could never love a woman and I did so very badly have crushes on women. So deep inside I hide my secret and I suppose I was very depressed. I was fine when my friends remained single but as soon as they hooked up with guys then I became a little secretly depressed and heart broken. I could never let on.. no one could know my secret.

But my dear friend today who is 26 has a girlfriend and is free to love who she wants to love. It's wonderful. And yes, my heart does ache with jealousy at times. I feel I missed out on so much. And the younger lesbian look like feminine women and I truly love that. They polish their toe nails and dress very cute and are themselves. And I am so jealous of that too.

Of course I wasn't a lesbian when I was young because I did not fit the butch dyke stereotype which I so disliked. Why would a woman want to act like a man? And somewhat feminine women like butch men. I don't! The women I had crushes on were feminine and I loved that so about them. No wonder I was more confused then words could ever say. And once more I had no roll models and no one to talk to. No one! Not until I was about 40 years old and things in society began changing and I seen that there were more women as myself and some were indeed more feminine such as myself.

So basically, I wasted my 20's and 30's because of the Catholic church so called moral teachings and hypocritical ways and because I lived in a small rural community and not in a college town. College towns and big cities were more liberal minded. I was so trapped in my environment and stuck past the point of crawling out of it. I was trapped in uncontrolled ignorance.

However, I did remain true to myself for not ever marrying and having kids only out of a sense of duty or guilt. I think probably too because I hated my mother and "Women's Lib" bra burning was the craze. Only that was an embarrassment to me..did they have to take their bras off? They still married men? Dyke was a bad word in society. My roll models were few but giants such as tennis star Bill Jean King and feminist Betty Friedman and Gloria Steinem.

Men and woman both hated the bra burning feminist for the most part because they were a threat to the natural flow of things. Up until then both men and women had their specific roles to play out in society. I'm sure the church and government loved it because people were easily manipulated and controlled simply by a well known news magazine article. As a society in hold people believed in their church and government and if a member of either got out of hand society in general refused to acknowledge it and pretended not to notice; therefore the perpetrator was not apprehended or admonished. This was my environment and it was confusing and scary and distasteful to me.

So, yes, I love my young friend because in a way she reminds me of me at that age with her hopefulness and realistic nature. She wants to believe that people are looking out for one another and have each other's best interest at hand. But soon she will discover that especially people of power or the worse there are filled with corruption and greed and lack of caring for human life. She will learn that in religion, big business and government it's all about power, money and greed.

Even when I was a kid I learned that government was a business like any other business and that war was for economic power; but I thought for the general overall economy not just for a choosen few corporations. WWII created many jobs and business opportunities that were lost when the war ended. Then there was Korea. And then the big one for eleven years: Vietnam. And can you imagine - the draft. Drafting men into a needless war!

No wonder the hippies protested and there were songs written to rebell against the establishment. Ours never was a government for the people by the people although during speeches almost everyother line is: "I speak for the America people when I say..."

Chapter 10

I remember as a kid knowing every make of car there was; knowing every song on the AM radio station in the car. KXOK 630 I believe what the number on the dial. KFUO was for the farm report I dad listened too. Then there was the Belleville station that played Otto Schultz polkaa every day after lunch. I listened to the clock radio positioned on top of the refrigerator. As soon as dad left the house I turned the dial back to the rock and roll station. I think the radio was my company.

We lived in a the country and in the summer time I was usually at home alone most of the day until my mother came home from work. I usually had a list of chores to do. When I got older I had dinner ready.

Vietnam was a hot issue for most of my youth.. from late 60 to early 70's when Nixon finally ended it due to it's unpopularity across the nation. Many young men were dodging the draft and moving to Canada. They felt the Vietnam war was needless and only a war for profit for some big businesses. It became a very unpopular war.

I believed it was the reason JFK was killed; he didn't want the war. He got in the way of big business.. my personal opinion and observation at the time.

American were preached to and encouraged to support their president and back their government; the church echoed their support. It was, after all, the 60's and respect for authority was demanded; women were secondary and children; well, they just didn't count at all especially females. Boy were wanted and encouraged to sprout their wings and explore life. Girls had few choices in life: Marry and be a wife and mother. Or stay single and be a spinster librarian, secretary, store clerk, nurse, teacher and a telephone operator. Yes choices were very limited. The newspaper employment ads listed male and female job categories. There was no cross-over and no coloring outside the lines. We all had our places in the social scheme of things.

My destiney as mapped out for me. All I know is that I was sad a lot and music, beautiful sunny days of day dreams and pretending, and bicycling alone on the country roads were my escape from my reality and doomed destiney that plagued me.

I was loney and had crushes on girls at school whom I never got to see all summer, because I lived in the country. It's amazing to me - we lived only about four miles from town. Yet at the time I couldn't ride my bicycle to town and kids never called each other. It seemed the town kids had friends and the country kids; well, I guess they were just "out of luck". Besides I was shy. I was not out going at all and the more time I spent alone the more awkward I'm sure I appeared.

It took me awhile to get back in the swing of school when it started up again in the Fall. I was more confident as a sixth, seventh, and eighth grader. I was scared to death as a freshman in a whole new school and environment. I was very shy. Us Catholic country kids hung around together. While all the town and "public" school kids had their own set of friends. I was very shy. I had so many crushes on high school girls. They didn't have a clue.

I never had a crush on a boy and couldn't understand while girls carried on so about boys. I knew better than to vocalize my nervous warm feelings for girls especially some upper classman. Usually, I had I special girl on my mind. She occupied my mind all the time.

Yes, I was faltered when boys teased me and laughed and talked to me. I was very nervous when a neat girl would kid me if she said she thought I was cute or complimented me in the least little way; I was suddenly so in love and so nervous. But, I couldn't let on. I couldn't tell anyone. Life was like this for me well into my thirties and near my forties. No woman ever knew how much in love I might have been with her. I was careful for fear of being ostrcized and ridicules. Besides I knew of no other woman like me. Oh once in a while I saw the extreme butch women on bikes they called dykes. And people laughed at them; or were afraid of them. I saw them and knew for sure that I couldn't be a dyke.

My life was so lonely. Yet, I managed to have fun with my friends with double dates and parties and many laughs when I got old enough to drive. When I was about seventeen or eighteen and began going to beauty culture school out of borden and my mother's suggestion. You see by then I had no brain. I pretty much wanted to be a psycholgotist but was not encouraged and told I wasn't college material. I wasn't straight out told; but, my mother would say neither she nor dad were smart and therefore we weren't either.

It was understood that my brother would have the better job after all he was a young man and destined to be head of household. Me a wife.. I guess. But, in my mind was knew I would never marry or have children. I knew in my heart that I would need to be self-sufficient and make my own way. There was no way I was going to be dependent on anyone; for sure not my parents or a man - god forbid.

I eagerly made the car payments to my dad after he bought a used car for me. I eagerly got a job. I never asked for anything. I moved out at 21 and lived with my cousins, two sisters and boy crazy. They weren't with me long before they got married. I dated guy and secretly was in love with my bestfriend. My heart ached! In my head there was no way I could even think of wanting her so I pushed the thoughts and feelings as far back inside of me as I could. Life was pure hell. I was temporary company until a boyfriend and future husband came into the picture. My only salvation was that most of the men she dated were assholes; so I knew she would be around for a while. I was of course very sympathetic when she ciried over him. In my heart I did feel bad but too was also glad to have her around me a little while longer. Once in a while I would give hugs.

People just didn't hug. They only way I got held was during sex and somehow I never associated the two because my sex was with men. I could connect emotionally with men so I only took and could not give. Not like I can with a woman. So many years later in my fifties I found that it turned me on to turn her on. It was wonderful to finally "give" while having sex. It was so wonderful to kiss all over someone you loved and loved to touch. I just went through the motions with men. It wasn't fair for either party; but, I could only do society's bidding.

Somehow I managed by catching small crumbing of kindness and affection from my friend; never from my family. My family was cold and distant and liked to belittle and degrade me. After all women were useless in a German heritage family. Women were mere incubators, cooks and maids. It was depressing to see.

I mostly remember my parents fighting and arguing all the time; certainly never setting a good example of how married people and parents should behave. It was purely awful. One dad they were fighting and after he left the house my mother expressed the desire to stab him and twist the knife in his gut. I was horrified I had never hear anything just as this before. I mean literally telling me that she wanted to kill him!

I thought to my self I will never get married and live like her; never! And I never did. I was always self-sufficent and made my own living. I never had the desire to get marry (what? to a man - no way?) or have children. Now, I truly love and appreciate small children and I realize now that I have missed out on so much. But, it way to late now to have a change of heart.

Anyway, there was never a desire for children of my own. I never wanted any children of mine to be exposed to my mother or grandmother. Oh my god! I depressed any desire. In fact, I just didn't like kids. I never gave them a chance..I didn't have the love in my heart.

I loved and still love feminine women. So, there were certain friends I truly enjoyed being around. I loved the bars, the cigarettes, the music and the night life. But, after so many years all my group of friends called "the group" paired off and got married. There I was alone again. The only one left hanging out after work at midnight with the waitresses.

I was about forty then, I was working a good job at the phone company. Actually, I thought I died and went to heaven when it came to pay and benefits. I saved with them and soon bought a condo.

In my early forties I decided settled for being alone the rest of my life. I couldn't do it with men anymore...make believe. There was however, one man that I dated off and on for about six years. I did love him. He was like my mother I guess. He had a way of making love to me that was affectionate. He was a good lover and made me feel very feminine; but, something was missing..that feminine connection. Something was missing. Oh, I had a crush on a woman at the same time; of course, she was never away. I was afraid I would be laughed out of town and ostracized and lose all of my friends. I tried to be calous and not care about anybody.

I think I loved my ex in the same way. She is still important to me. But, I can tell in my heart that I have moved on to want to love very deeply and sweety. Tender love and affection is what I crave to receive and give. I know she is on her way to me.

Anyway at age forty I did come on verbally to a woman (my ex) at work. I have no idea what I was doing. I think I just thought it was time. I totally forgot about all the sex I ever had. We, she and I, were not really sexually compatible... yet I let it go on. We came to be good friends and together for fifteen years.

After working for forty years with 26 years at one place my job went away and I accepted a buy-out. Suddenly I had a lot of time to think as I rode the country roads and trails. I was lonely still. I couldn't stand my mother; not even to talk to her. I just wanted out! I fell in love with my partner's doctor. I was so in love. For months I thought of nothing but her. My channeler said she and I would be together. I told my partner I want to end the relationship with her was it was but remain friends. It broke her heart. I was dumb; but, actually felt that this woman and I would be together. My ex moved out in 10/04. 9/21/04 I let the good docter know how I felt about her. I didn't mean to; it just happened. She was polite and didn't lecture. Actually, she was very sweet and I will always love her for that. She was very sweet to me.

In 5/05 I met and dated at 35 year old ( I was 57 at the time). She and I dated for four months and were together most nights. In 5/05 I stopped speaking with my so-called family. I could no longer stand to be in my mother's presence...for quit some time already. Later at the end of June 2005 I sold my condo and moved to Missouri.

I feel free now. Many times I think people think I'm nice but they don't understand my distance from my family. I never talk about them or anything about family. I'm sure I'm an emigna.

I haven't been in a relationship since 10/05. And decided I didn't want to be. Oh, I took on a lover about a year later. During the course of casual conversation and I found out that we had a lot in common..being without sex for almost two years.

She and I play it safe getting together on ocassion and making love. It's nice. It's some I needed very badly. She too, I think.

One day I'll be in a relationship and very soon I think. My new love will be a woman so much like the good doctor that I will feel like I am holding her again and she is holding me. She and I, we had a moment of love. It was very tender and at times at miss her terribly.

chapter 10

When I was a kid living on a farm only three miles from town, but it could have been twenty-five as much as I got there. I rode my bicycle down the long lane and all around and down the long narrow county roads. I rode further out into the country roads through the farms and fields rather than towards the highway on the way into town.

I was happy when I rode and took in the beauty of the landscape. My favorite times were after a Spring rain when everything was sparkling fresh and clean and the fresh plowed soil smelled rich and promising of new growth.

The shy was so clear after a thunder shower and a rainbow in the East shown bright and brilliant. It was quiet and peaceful. I rode my single gear bicycle with coaster brakes and heavy slightly rushed fenders up and down rolling hills. My legs were strong and my heart light.

Riding my bicycle was a great way to get exercise which would left my spirits. My family life was taxing at best; with harsh, cold, sometime even cruel staunch German, strict demeaning family. I was just a kid and an easy target I guess. Anyway, it was tough living with them and I was depressed and lonely. Worse yet, I lost trust in others. I always second guessed any ones kindness..mostly men or boys. If a young woman was sweet to me I immediately fell in love with her and day dreamed about her all the time. It was an escape. I loved to be held and loved but not by my family. We just didn't connect. There was no bonding.

Later more daydreaming and music was a big help. I was pretty much a loner and scared and not quite sure how to act around other kids, teens or young adults. It took me a while to warm up. I was shy. I was more confident around some people rather than others. My mother always worried about what other's were thinking so after a while I came to the conclusion that everyone else was more important than myself. What others did and thought was more important then what I did or thought. It was very difficult trying to please and second guess everyone else's wants and needs, my friends and my mother in particular.

Young adulthood was very hard I wasn't really interested but still flattered when a boy asked me out. I had heart felt feelings for girls and young women but hide them and that hurt very badly; but, I felt I had no choice.

I already knew I was never going to marry or have kids. I just didn't have the heart for it. I was depressed and unhappy basically but pretended many times that I wasn't. But, in all honesty my heart just wasn't in a lot of things that I did. A lot of times when I went out with boys I was just glad to get home. So, why did I got out? Well, it was expected, I should have been flattered and other's happiness and feelings came first. I should have been glad that someone liked me but I never really trusted them. I just thought that boys were being nice to get a kiss or more.

Yes, life was hard!

chapter 9

As an adult in my mid 50's I look younger than my age. I ran and bicycled and worked out. I was at a cross road in my life, lonely and depressed. I had time to think because I had just accepted a buy-out from my place of employment. I found work aggravating. I think my partner found it energizing and a social source. We were quit different.

I know that I needed more tenderness and affection. I never got affection as a kid, or any part of my life for that matter. Oh sex with men - that's not necessarily affection. The foreplay helped sometimes I guess.

So, they say you only get back what you put out there. But, when it comes to affection sometimes I need a start from the other person. So far in my life I have had to initiate most of it, except for sex with men. And then in a way just being docile was glue enough that I was an open door. I wasn't must of a challenge..and got to a point where it didn't matter. Men want sex, they're easy.

Women? It's a totally different story. I have no idea what they want...life long commitment. Someone they can lead. I have found with my mother and friends and men that if you do whatever they want then you are in good standings. Being a "yes" person is key to "their" good relationship. I guess that is okay if you get your needs met too. You know lots of affection and sex. I've never in my life gotten much of the too together.

So, the older I got the more scare and lonely I got I guess. All I know I had to get out of my relationship and away from my family. My partner went through surgery and with I fell in love with her doctor. It just happened. She was the kindest, sweetest, most caring person I had ever known in my life. I guess I needed love, warmth and affection so much more than I could have ever imagined. Anyway, bottom line is that at one appointment I let her know how I felt about her. I couldn't help it. She felt that I was down; I told her about my relationship ending and she put her arms around me. She saved my life! She'll never know that; but she saved my life that day. I had never felt more love in my life than at that moment. I still think about her from time to time. She will always be in my heart. I had never felt so much love before..

Anyway, I went on to become single and totally detach myself from my family. Alone but happy I had gone on to meet and date a young woman. We were together most of the time for about four months. I was head over heels in love with her and it took me about a year to get over her. Of course hanging out with mutual friends and wanting to get a glimpse of her made the pain just last longer.

I miss the good doctor.

Chapter 8

When I was in grade school I started out very shy but as time went on I was only shy around older girls who were cute and nice to me. I was an average student and envious and jealous of the more affluent and smarter girls.

I was bored when I was an upper class men in high school and started in my Junior year summer at beauty culture school at my mother's suggestion. I really was interested in psychology but was not encouraged to pursue my dreams and always made to believe that I was indeed an "average" student. I wish now that I wasn't so worried about people liking me but more interested in doing my own thing. I just didn't have the self confidence. Somewhere along the line at a very early age, I got the impression, from my mother mainly, that I would be loved if I did what she wanted. It called conditional love. I should have gotten unconditional love and lots of encouraging and nurturing. Instead I was trapped.

So, I applied this philosophy of conditional love to my friendships and other relationships with guys. In my heart I loved girls and had crushes on them but society and the church may me ashamed and believe that I had to hide my feelings for other girls. I felt I was the only girl like me having those feelings for other girls. I tried very hard to follow normal and accepted social norms and dated boys but my heart was where the girls were.. Anyway, it's what the church (the church rules every aspect of civilization) preached. Whatever happened (it never existed) to "love thy neighbor as thyself"? Why not - "let's get along and love and respect each other's differences". After all isn't that what life is all about. We are all created equal in the eyes of the universe.

When I was very young and even as I grew up, no one dared stepped out of their box or color out side the lines due to fear of being ostracized and lose friendships.

I have always had crushes on girls and later on young women, even older women. Yet to keep social standards and to maintain my friendships, I never let that side of me show. There were no lesbian except for the very butch dyke types on Harley's. And I knew I wasn't like that so how could I be a lesbian. So, I dated men but loved women.

I broke many male hearts all due to stupid christian social rules. Not fair! I can't wait to come back and do it all over again. But, next time I will have a beautiful, tender and loving mother who wants me and is the wind beneath my wings. I will be very cute and very intelligent and of course lesbian. Only in my next life, I will begin early and be free to love young woman openly.

In my twenties and thirties I dated men and must say I know I broke some hearts. While I dated men, I was in love with women. They never knew!

When I was in my early forties, I got into a fifteen year relationship.

Chapter 8

"Where is the Gelatin?" The guy sales person asked the woman sales person. He really didn't bother looking but moved his eyes in a level swipe down across the long shelf which took a second, then asked her and promptly told me they were out of it. She went to look and found it within two seconds. It seemed pretty typical to me. "Honey, where's my socks?" or "Have you seen my cell phone?"; " The keys?"If he finally begins a long promised and awaited for project, she must standby as an assistant and hold or hand him stuff. And this will keep him very happy. Or "Go get such and such".

Yes, they can't get much accomplished without assistance or I think of it as a stand by for moral support. Or, do they really just think she wants to just stand there and watch him?Remember the good old days when young girls only wore dresses and sat by and watched their hero the star baseball or football player "win". It's probably why woman are cheerleaders...the same ancient mentality. As of to say: You sit there and look pretty and I'll show off to you...like I really know what I am doing.

And no matter how bad I am you cheer me on like I'm something wonderful but truly I am not and I have a fragile ego that needs to be pumped up all the time or I won't be able to get an erection or fight in a world. I'm a big baby and must have my way all the time too. This is the mentality I am talking about because mama's babied little boys and treated them more special than girls because boy carried on the name and made the living and provided a home and car for the family.He had his job which was very important and she had her secondary job, taking care of the house, kids and him. And he gave her an allowance. Oh, and he made all the major decisions like what house and car to buy and where they were going to live.Mothers were supposed to teach their daughters to be polite, docile and to act helpless and always stroke his ego. "Make him think he thought of it." Personally, I hated all that bullshit and why was he better than me? Why should I hve to cater to him? Why did he get all the glory and the fun jobs. Why did he get to drive the car?

Know you know one of the major reasons for me to stay single and be self-sufficent and independent of men; well, besides being a lesbian.

Chapter 7

As a young woman I began dating boys in high school even though I had huge crushes on girls. I guess I just accepted the situation the way it was. There were no gay people, that I knew of, in my school. Oh, a sissy boy or two, and maybe one of two tom-boy girls; but, I was not like them. I felt that I was much more feminine. So, I thought that I was in a lesbian league of my own.

Beginning in my senior year I dated boys more and more and even went to the prom on a date. I was feminine enough I supposed; anyway, the guys liked me and thought I was cute. It was flattering to have a boy ask me out; which made me feel normal and just like one of the girls.

I particularly liked double dating or dating in groups because that way my "special girl interest" would be involved and I could at least be with her. Oh yes, there were times I dreamed of making love to her but I mostly pushed it away and just felt extreme affection for them. I never talked about the way I felt her with anyone else. Through the years, my brother gave me enough not-so-subtle messages that saying girls were cute or carrying on about them would make other people think that "there was something wrong with me". He was the chip off the old block of my mother. Those two were a pair and still move in sync. Me? I'm totally out of the family picture having silently, without dispute, removed myself from all correspondence and any type of contact. Personally, I should have moved away and escaped by eliminating contact years ago.

The guys I dated were nice enough but my heart beat for someone else and always a young woman. I was usually in love with a girl when I was dating a young man. Deceitful? You bet! But that is the ways of the church, who rules all social norms broad casted via the media which included government influence. It has always been my opinion that there is no separation of church and state, only in theory. The government gives the church tax breaks in turn for influencing parishioners to vote a certain way..usually republican. Republican are for big business and support the industrial military war machine for bottom line big-profits consisting of taxpayers' hard earned tax dollars.

Vietnam was going strong by the time I graduated high school in 1965. My brother narrowly escaped the draft because he had asthma when he was 21. I am a year younger. He worked as a bricklayer apprentice and I as a hairdresser along side my mother. She had great influence over me then. When I was 21 I moved out as did my brother too shortly before he got married.

I lived for a short time with my cousins, a rather huge mistake. They had noisy boyfriends and mainly just screwed around all the time. Me? I didn't! Well, for one thing I was more into women but since I "couldn't" have one; thinking all women were straight I preferred group dating. But, yes, some drunken evening especially late at night I had sex with men. I was on birth control pills for many years until I was close to forty, in fact. Yes, I thought, what the hell, "screw 'em". I took that saying literally.

My heart ached most of the time. In my thirties when all my near friends were marrying off and the group was shrinking I became more and more depressed and more of a loner. I even went into therapy; well, one or two sessions. The first guy looked like he about freaked out when I told him that I loved woman. I couldn't tell if he got great pleasure form hearing this or not. All I know is that he started talking more and more about himself and about "his" family and lifestyle. Who knows? Maybe deep down he too was gay? I got so sick of the secrecy in my heart. It's a wonder I didn't develop a cathartic sickness; but I didn't. Instead the more I got knocked down (as in my youth as a kid) the stronger I bounced back. These ass holes of society were not going to keep me down! So, in my mid thirties, I traded alcohol for working-out and becoming active. Non of my friends were into activities. Women just were not into it; not even bicycling.

There was one guy whom I dated and actually liked but I got dumped for a "real" woman I guess, who was into bicycling. I envied him. And he worked out and took care of himself. I admired him so I got into the notion too. I played tennis alone. Well, against the school building wall where someone marked a line across in lieu of a net. A couple years later, I played tennis on a women's league and with one male friend. He really worked me and had me running back and forth like crazy; but, I loved it.

So, in my thirties I got into dancing (with men), bicycling and running. Yes, I even began to run and found that I loved the high of it. And once more my body felt wonderful and I felt that I really looked good. I even flirted with a woman and marveled at how I could influence her. Soon there was the local free dating ad that I put out. I marveled at all the responses but mostly from "straight couples" wanting a three-some. I talked to but declined one young woman who had just had a baby. I felt powerful, for the first time in my life and loved it. She was practically begging to let me meet up with her. But, a new baby, seemed like a real negative thing at the time. I knew she was bi, and didn't feel it was my cup of tea. But, bi women were more feminine. Butch women are not for me. I have had too many men and secretly loved feminine women to ever want butch.

By the time I was close to forty, I wanted to be in the best physical condition that I could be and I was. I quit smoking in my mid-thirties when I stopped hanging at bar looking for my so-called friends who were beginning to be mostly males because all the women were either married or in long term relationships with men. I was truly becoming a lone. So, for health reasons too, I changed my life style to one of non-alcoholic, non-smoking and working out and I loved it and myself. I think the first time in my life I actually loved myself. It's what working-out does to you and it's a wonderful thing. I was totally on my on and it was easy to eat and do what I wanted to do when I wasn't working. It was the best time of my life! I was on my own with minimum "mother" influence. I saw her as least as possible!

Of course, there were some evening, when I literally came home in a drunken mess and cried and kicked my furniture and asked god to please take me because I loved her so much and couldn't touch her. It so broke my heart. I begged to die. But, I never did.

After I turned forty ( and I had a great birthday celebration with an old boyfriend whom I dated for six or eight years off and on, and a special girlfriend was there too; but of course with her new husband) I became more and more alone and went out by myself to dance with a group of like high-schoolers. Well, the clitchs were pretty pathetic and so high-school that I didn't last long there. So I rode my bicycle on every county road in several counties. I rode six thousand miles one year. And in that year and a half I rode a total of ten thousand miles. I just really got into being myself.

But, then I became looking into the ades. I soon hooked up with a woman at work.

Chapter 6

My aunt or my sister? Why was it that half the town thought my aunt was my sister? Why were they so confused?

No, it wasn't them. It was me who was confused and in the dark. It seems everyone knew but me now. My aunt was really my half sister. My mother is fifteen years older than her; was fourteen when she became pregnant. I never heard the whole story. I have no idea who the father is or was? She grew up in a small country community. I guess this all happened right before the war start say in 1942? Anyway, we were all lied too even my half sister who didn't find out until some time in high school.

Just who were they trying to protect? I think my mom got sent to the convent somewhere in the big city to have the baby and she was supposed to give up the baby. My grandmother ended up raising the baby even after mom married my dad and my half sister was about four at the time. My dad didn't want anything to do with the kid that wasn't his I guess.

My dad was mean and cruel and my brother became just like him when they were together. They teased and ridiculed me to tears. I had car trouble one day at work and asked them to come take a look. They asked where were my friends; and why didn't I ask them? Ask your friends. I never asked for anything ever again from them. I was determined to make it on my own and not owe my parents or anyone anything; and I never did. I wonder if they ever noticed? I doubt it. They were too busy asking me to do stuff for them.

If men were really fair and honest and forthright woman would have never had to fight for twenty years to get the right to vote and African Americans would have never had to protest to be free, get decent paying jobs and get to vote. We all would have been created equal.. just as the words say. I think that is what most of our forefathers had in mind, don't you?

I'm sure that scientist probably know for a fact that women for surpass men on so many fronts; but I'm sure too that the findings will never be revealed. Why, there might be mutiny! Men have to preach, teach and rule!

So, I think I was about in the eight grade when I found out about my aunt being my half sister. I always envied my half sister, she got to live in town and got to participate in after school activities. She had friends to walk home with. She was cute, bubbling, innocent and very popular with the boys. She had fun! She got married right after high school and had babies right away.

She and I never really got along; she didn't quite know how to act around me nor I around her. We were not your typical sister act; she recented me. In later years we only did things to "help her out" like work for her around her house. She has a son who is gay but in the closet. He was no allie for me either. He acted like he didn't know what I was talking about when my partner and I talked about gay bars in the city. He never brought her partner (or a girl for that matter) with him to his mother's house for family functions. So, in my eyes they were all a bunch of hypocrites and I was no longer playing the silent, I'm not important as you are, game. Instead I bailed!

Personally, I think there is another gay person in that family; but, no one asked my opinion. He's married and I feel sorry for her. No one wanted to see my partner and I together at family functions. In fact, one nephew's wife would pack up the kids when we came in the front door. They always had an excuse to leave as soon as we got there. Funny, when I came by myself, they never had to rush off. I just got tired of all the hypocrites in the family. And all the make believe that everything was "normal".

And my mother! You would have thought she was the queen herself. Boy, could she ever work the room! I got to the point where I couldn't stand to be in the same room with her and had to walk out of her performances. She was always the most self-centered, manipulative, controlling, passive-aggressive person I have had ever seen. She always thought she had to "trick" you into doing things for her. It got sickening! She is in good hands and they are all buddies so farewell to them; just leave me out of it all.

Actually, I am quite happy and do not miss them at all. Toward the end it didn't matter if we were there are not and everyone liked my ex better than myself anyway. Now, if I was a woman and divorced my husband and they still kept in contact with him and acted like there was something wrong with me it would piss me off. But, as I feel now, I don't care if they do think I'm more nuts than a box of rocks; just so they leave me alone!

Yes, for years the woman was dying of something and her she is - still alive. The woman always had to go to the emergency room in the middle of the night in the middle of the weekend.. Yes, she loved drama! The more attention the better. I just couldn't take it anymore! For all of my life the whole world revolved around her. I was her companion and her servant; her crutch! I had finally had enough about three years ago. I'm so glad I managed to escape!

Finally, I have a life of my own.. finally! Finally, I'm an out lesbian, living as a lesbian loving and having sex with woman. I am at home. Funny, with men, I only received; I had nothing to give. With women it's so different. I love it! I can connect with woman; with their hearts and minds and emotions. I just love it! Finally, even though it took me over fifty years to get here. Well, I won't count the years.

And I'll try to forget what the church, government and society in general has done to me. They have robbed me of my life of love. I should have been with woman when I was very young. I should have been allowed to be free to be me! What is wrong with this world? Are men, who have to run everything, just that stupid? Do you really want a woman to pretend she loves you just because she is told she has too? I hate the church! I practically hate all men for treating me like a second class citizen through the years and making a fool out of me!

And no! I was born a lesbian. I have always loved woman. Trust me! I dated enough men to find out I could not change. I feel so violated and cheated. Society sucks! And the government merely uses homosexuals as a diversion away from the real issues. Issues that they are ripping off the American tax payer. But, the general population wants to believe in their government. They want to believe that the government would never kill a president just because he wanted to be good to the people and end a war that was a drafted war for the military industrial war machine; a war for profit! They can't tell you that! They can't tell you that you pay taxes in return for social benefits but instead your tax dollars go to the war machine and into the pockets of industry and a few already rich old white haired men's pockets. You should be upset; after all, you paid for it! The government is throwing your tax money away and into certain industries pockets and big business is shipping your good paying job overseas where people are willing to work it for next to nothing. And your government sits idly by and let's them do it. Soon, there will not be enough hours in the day for the necessary multiple jobs that people will need to make a living because all the good paying jobs are gone. Then where will our tax base be? This government already is in trillions of dollars worth of debt held by other countries.

See, people are so easily fooled. Actually, Rove and the others who control the media and just what we learn and what they what us to hear are geniuses. Either they are very smart or you are very not smart. Actually, government doesn't care about gays or abortions; they just want to distract you away from the real issues..like a war for oil and profit.

See what years of abuse in a male chauvinist world has done to me?

That's is what religion will do to you! Rules and power over others. If religion wasn't really self-serving and was truly good for the people then the church would have us love everyone no matter what their beliefs and differences. I believe the church and government have always worked and looked out for one another. Religion tells us to hate and single out and separate and declare one religion better than another and one group of people better than another. I believe the church and government are working together on the abortion and gay issues to side track interest and attention from a wrongful war that this government does not want to pull out of for industries sake. In turn the church does not have to pay taxes nor worker's compensation to it's employees.

Chapter 5

Through the years my family was keeping me close by, if not physically, then mentally and emotionally. I needed to break away I felt but didn't know how. Work kept me very busy through the years. In fact I worked every holiday for nine years. I really didn't care because the money was good and I got to spend enough time at family functions anyway. And surprisingly enough too, I kept in touch with my friends; my straight friends mostly, at the time. That is before my partner and I got together.

Even in my relationship which was good I was searching for something. I soon lost most interest in sex. I felt I had enough sex with men to last me a lifetime. Work was hectic and I soon lost all interest. We, however, maintained a good relationship.

When she and I got together we moved into my condo, then about six years later, we bought a log home which was very fun but came at a price with high taxes and expensive maintenance. So after five years we sold it and moved back into the condo which I had rented out through a management agency.

Through the years I continued to run, bicycle and work out except for a short time when I turned very butch for some reason cropping my hair, gaining weight, and buying from the men's section of the store. I have no idea why. I guess I was trying to find my niche. However, I grew ever uncomfortable and my feminine side wanted to emerge once again.

Chapter 4

I remember when I first started dating. A boy came out to the house one day only for a moment and he left. My dad saw him leave and the next morning when the boy called dad grabbed the phone out of my hands and ordered him never to call back again. The boy called because he wanted to know if I would like to go to the zoo with him. It was a Sunday morning and an innocent enough invitation. I was once again mortified and felt dirty and guilty even though I was perfectly innocent.

I was eighteen or twenty when I went out with a guy who was 28 years old. Of course he wanted me suck him off. Gross! I didn't so we didn't go out again. But, my mother knew his mother and when he broke his leg skydiving my mother told me to take him a six pack and visit him at home where he was living with his mother. Once again I was mortified. Here I am a lesbian acting like a straight woman. Once again I wished I was dead. I took release and rescue in music and in nature and daydreaming about woman. Most of my life I have loved a woman from a distance. She never knew I loved her. I never had sex with a woman until I was past forty. I got so sick of men before that, I thought that I would rather be asexual and do without then to go on living a lie. My life was a lie. I was not my authentic self because of religious social norms and government and anti-media attention against homosexual. Whenever homosexuals were seen on TV news they singled out the most flaming flamboyant queers and extreme butch dykes. I would see these butch dykes and thought to myself.. I can't be a lesbian. Only in recent, very recent years have I gotten to know woman who are lesbians who looks like other feminine straight women. Why in the past lesbians thought that they have to act like men, I"ll never know. All I know is that I it was not my cup of tea. So, bottom line was was born too soon; about, twenty years too soon.

I kept my promise to myself to never marry and to be self-sufficient. The universe blessed me and granted me a good paying jobs with wonderful benefits. I thought I died and went to heaven after working as a hairdresser and when I couldn't take that anymore, working in a bank. The communications job was the best yet and a keeper as long as they would have.

In the early nineties, I went to a channel who channeled Ezekiel, a friendly spirit. He said I would be the one to choose when I wanted to leave my job and that I wouldn't lose it before I was ready to leave it. And that prediction turned out to be true. I was legible to retire and take a buy out when my job did finally move to another state.

In my heart I wanted to be a psychologist, a counselor and work with young people. Ezekiel said that I would be good with young people. When I was young I was not encouraged to go to college; while my parents barely made it through grade school and so decided that I wasn't college material. I was interested in art, writing and loved to read. My mother hated that I read so much and in recent years said she wondered how my lesbian partner could stand to live with me. My mother wanted to keep me down there with her. Yes, I was with my partner for fifteen years.. we were the best of friends and although no longer a couple we are still good friends.

When I first began dating guys I thought well maybe the right one will come along and change me. It never happened. I was always in love with one of my close girl friends at the same time. And of course, they never knew it and of course they were straight and in love with men.

I have to say that I dated many guys and most were gentlemen; well otherwise I would not have gone out with them. When I was younger we group dated which was the best of both worlds because even though I was on a date with a guy usually my best girl friend whom I had a crush on (unbeknown st to her) was usually along with her boyfriend. And group dated was fun. I was fine as long as there were troubled dating and split-ups and the group pretty much consisted of single people But, when I neared the age of forty most of my friends had already gotten married and so I was very much alone. And so I simply got into myself with running, playing tennis, bicycling and working-out. I wanted to be the best I could be at the age of forty and I believe that I was.

Then I came out to a friend at work and soon we hooked up as a couple. We were together for fifteen years. And together we met most of our mutual friends and they remain my closest friends. I wanted our split up to be friendly. I just needed space. She was my first lesbian partner and my only one. Maybe I was experiencing a mid-life crisis; maybe I just wanted to spread my wings a bit before I got too old; who knows?

Chapter 3

Years later when I dated I guess I was faltered that the boy asked me out. I went out with boys but secretly loved girls. I had crushes on girls and never had crushes on boys. If I said something about a girl being cute my brother would scold me and say that is what boys are supposed to say. "Someone will think that there is something wrong with you." He preached. He was always preaching and knew everything. I was so jealous when my aunt (whom years later I found out was my sister and not my aunt; that my mother gave birth to her when she was fifteen. A life long family secret or so they thought they were keeping secret. I felt betrayed when I was sixteen and found out at my "sister's" wedding.) taught him to dance. He was going to be able to ask the girls to dance.. I could never ask a girl to dance. A girl would never like me the way she liked a boy because girls were boy crazy.

My heart was crushed. I was doomed. I would never get the love that I needed - never. My heart ached. There was no other girl like me. They were right I thought; I am weird. All I know is that my heart hurt all the time and I felt so alone and daydreamed a lot and fell in love with the TV stars in the TV shows that I used to watch. And I would dream about them at night and daydream about them during the day and this would be my love. I loved them but never expected love back..so it didn't matter that they were off somewhere in Hollywood.

I took pleasure in being spoken to as a friend by the girl I might have had a crush on. I felt privileged when they spoke or invited me to join them in games and things. I was always in agreement so they might like me. I discovered at an early age that my mother acted like she liked me if I did whatever she wanted me too so I carried this behavior onto my friendships with girls and dates with boys. They would ask if I wanted to do this or that and I would reply "I don't care." No matter what they suggested I was in agreement with, so they would like me.

Chapter 2

I was born in a small rural community to poor farmers of German descent. Children were taught to honor and obey. No one stepped out of the Catholic norms for fear of isolation and disgrace. There was much ridicule and gossip. Half the town was protestant and the other half was Catholic with Catholic schools and church. A Catholic doctor, bank, grocery store and tavern.
I walked the line. I did what I was told. I didn't understand why anyone would pick on a kid. I did the best I could. I was very lonely and when I started school in the first grade at the Catholic school I was very afraid, not be socially conditioned, and shy. I immediately had a crush on one of the girls who lived in town. I definitely had a crush on the eight grader who came to my aid when I tripped and slide down the sidewalk and skinned my knees and elbows. I didn't cry from the pain; I cried because she was so sweet to me and concerned. I wanted her to hold me; although at the time I couldn't put thoughts are words to the feeling. But, my heart ached and I wanted her to hold me close and love me. I immediately fell in love with her. Just like I did the very kind and loving doctor who was tender and kind towards me many years later in my fifties as I was going through transition and moving away from a long term relationship and separately from my family. There was a time in my twenties when I just needed to be held so badly. At that time, families didn't hug and my girlfriends didn't hug. There was a guy one night who walked me to my car and as if he sensed what I needed, he hugged me. I remember my whole body ached to be hugged and he hugged me until I let go first. Inside I was crying because I didn't quit understand the reason life was the way it was; why I loved woman but was supposed to be with a man. I thought I was the only female who had this problem. I wasn't butch, so I thought that I can't be queer.

When I was a little kid, we lived five miles out of town down a dusty rock road and the wind would blow the dust on my mother's freshly washed clothes she had hanging on the line to dry. I remember her anger. I somehow felt everything was my fault. Or was it helplessness that I felt? Anyway, I felt powerless. I remember times too when my mother told my father now to pee out in the yard where I could see. This made me feel weird and singled me out as if I did something wrong.

I remember riding in the backseat of the maroon 1946 Ford and I could heard the rock bounce up and hit the underside of the car. The dust curled in from the wrecked spot where I mother cut in too soon and clipped a couple's brand new Pontiac they had just purchased at the dealership in town. They stood in horror as my mother wrecked the front end of their new car that they hadn't even driven away yet. I sat silently in the backseat that day. And watched the commotion. I was scared as my uncle came running from the barbershop across the street with the barber's cape still on and blowing like a cape in the wind. The whole event made quite a story to be told for years to come. My mother was a no fault driver; somehow that accident was their fault.

When I first started school in the Fall I was afraid and didn't now anyone. It seems all the girls had their friends already and I knew no one. I was just supposed to join in I guess but I felt scared and isolated so I headed towards my brother who was very social and talking to a group of boys as they ate lunch. He promptly dismissed me and in front of them told me to go away. I was mortified and cried as I wandered back to the girls area and stood near another lonely country girl who didn't know anyone. I was heart broken. I thought for sure my own brother who was a year older who talk to me. Maybe I was just too sensitive. My ex used to tell me I was too sensitive and gave me self-help books to read.

As a kid as school when I did gained a little more confidence it was soon wrecked when one day in daily morning religion class the priest lectured the class. I was once again mortified. He walked up and down the aisle; a big tall gray haired man in all black who smelled of cigars and shook his finger and looked right at me and said that it was a sin to put my hands between my legs. It scared me half to death. I did not discuss or repeat this activity to anyone. How did he know? It was a dreadful day and I worried about it for a long time wondering if my mother knew and told on me. Years later I had problems when I was with a man in achieving orgasm and I didn't know where the problem laid. I sometimes felt that maybe I might had been molested and blocked it. I associated a lack of trust with my sexual problems. I don't know if I felt violated or that I didn't deserve to be loved. I don't know? All I know is that I had not a clue as to how to give or receive love. I thought men just wanted sex. I longed for the love of a woman.

Soon after the first grade ended and during the summer we moved to another small community about ten miles away and I had to meet a whole new set of kids the next Fall. I remember feeling very lonely again and staring out the bus window and my brother who was loud and social making fun of me and telling mom that I was weird and should turn and talk to the kids because they thought I was stuck-up. It seemed I was always wrong in my behavior in social settings. I was shy. Every morning I would make it to school when before I would get sick on the bus. I was feeling sick is why I wasn't social. After I did get sick on the bus the driver always made sure when I got on that I would sit in front of the bus. He made a kid get up and move to the back. Again, another older girl was very sweet to me that morning I got sick and I cried because she was so kind. I immediately loved her and in my heart wanted her to hold me too. But, that morning, I felt sick and embarrassed and scared and thought that I would be in trouble for causing a commotion. I was afraid that I disappointed my mother and she wouldn't like me no more. Years later, I put the thoughts into motion that her love was conditional on my obeying her and doing just want she wanted. If I didn't go good then she wouldn't like me and I was already feeling alone. My father never spoke or associated with me; only to correct or scold or belittle me. I was afraid of him. He was big and I only came up to his knees in height. I was always afraid to ask him for anything even years later like when I wanted air pumped into my tires. I always wanted mom to ask him for me and she would say. "You ask him." and I was always afraid and he was glad that I was afraid. I could tell because he laughed at me and acted like it was a big inconvenience for him to do that for me. So, I tried never to have to ask him for anything. Years later when I was near high school age I sword that I would be independent and have a good job so I would never have to ask them for anything; because, I always got the feeling that I dare not and that my parents never wanted to give me anything. Besides by high school I never wanted to owe them anything and have them come back to me and tell me what they had to do for me. I bought my own first car. I never went to college; of course, they thought I wasn't college material long before high school anyway. I was told by them that I was destined to be like them. My life was all mapped out anyway. I was supposed to get married and I thought that day when my mother said that "no way" would I marry and live like her - under a man's thumb. They fought all the time and he never did anything for her or anything she wanted to do. I had thought for years that they should get divorced and then mom and I could move into town close to my friends and the beauty shop where she worked. But, she was stubborn and would never leave him. She pretended to society that she was happily marriages when she wasn't. It was a disgrace to be divorced. All I know is that I would have been much happier living in town and not out there where I was isolated and only surrounded by their fighting and arguing and my loneliness. I was trapped. It seems my brother was always running off with the boys in the neighborhood. There was nothing but boys around. Boys had much more freedom then girls. Boys were favored to carry on the family name. Girls were taught to always allow the boy to win at whatever activity was going on and to make him think all ideas were his. I hated that and really felt that I was worthless and didn't matter at all. Certainly, my feelings or ideas were not important. Girls were taught to be docile and subservient and walk behind men. I use to hate to see women following a few steps behind the man. I especially hated it when young men did it to me.

When I was a kid isolated out there in the country on the farm I spent many days alone in the summer as my mother worked in her beauty shop in town and dad in the fields. I learned to be almost content alone. When my mother was home I was constantly by her side waited for the next command. It seems she couldn't fix a meal without my assistance. She was always barking commands. When I would ever leave the room to do myself in my room or anything I would know that in a few minutes she would be calling my name and asking what I was doing and where was I and couldn't I come help her with something. I had no life for myself! Finally, I just stayed in the room and stood there leaning against the freezer waited for my next command. I never bothered to sit down because she always had me jumping up to get something or do something. It drove me nuts.

And as a kid I had no opinion. Kids were not to speak their opinion or talk back; a smack in the face would follow if that were done. Yes, I got spankings from dad and hollered at from mom. By the time I was a freshman in high school I was wishing that I was dead. In high school I used to wish that they would just pretend that I didn't exist. I know that changing hormones played a big part in my emotions too at the time. I remember feeling dizzy when I got up fast or raised my head fast..or just getting out of the car.

I always thought that I wanted to be a boy because boy were valued and got some many more privileges than girl. Girls were sissy and stupid - well most of them. I didn't want to be like them. Little did I know that I was gaining knowledge by observing my parents and brother and I vowed the man would make an ass of me and that I would be independent and never marry. My mother too killed any decide I might have had about having kids. I hated kids. I had no love in me to give...I was drained. I could only manage self-preservation that even at the time I didn't know or could put terms to what I was experiencing or feeling. I know one day when my "sister" had boyfriends stop by out at the farm. My mother told me not to hide in the house and be backward. I had no interest in those boys. My sister was boy crazy. She got to live in town with my grandmother who by the the way was as cold as a fish. I never got any love or hugs from her either. My sister had fun and went to basketball games and dances and was popular and had many friends. I only saw my friend during school time. Of course I was four years younger. When finally I was sixteen and got my drivers license then on Sunday, I could take the car the three miles into town and visit friends who would call me once in a while when (and they made it clear) they needed a car and driver so they could ride around and flirt with boys. The kids in town got to walk to the malt shop. I was so jealous.

My escape was the music at the time; the rock and roll. There was only AM radio and two good stations that played good music. For eighth grade graduation my got a transistor radio and it was my pride and joy. I would take long walks in the evening out on the field roads and daydream when I listened to the music that "she" loved me. Oh, just anyone, that I had a crush on at the time - that she would love me. And I was her hero. I saved her life time and time again and she loved me. Yes, life was terribly lonely. My daydreams and imagination kept me going. There was no such thing as social services then or anti-depressants for kids. The only time we went to town was when my mom wanted to visit my aunt (actually, my half-sister. I never know who her father was. I never asked). I do remember though that we had more fun when my "aunt" was around. My mom laughed and played more and we got more treats. When my aunt was in high school and going steady with her finance' she would come out on weekend to clean the house for money. We never had a relationship; not an aunt to niece or sister to sister relationship. I was more of a nuisance then anything. One day she slapped me after I was becoming more comfortable around her and teased her with an ice cube on the back of her neck like my brother used to get away with. Well, she didn't think it was humorous at all and hurled around and slapped me on the face. I was in shock. Well, it was my fault because I didn't realize that she was having a spat with her boyfriend and he had just driven up the lane and had turned around without coming to the door and was leaving again. Anyway, I guess I picked the wrong time to be funning around. That splat killed the playfulness in me with her. I kept my distance. I truly believed that there was something really wrong with me and I couldn't get along with anyone. So, I became more isolated and kept quiet.

When my sister got married I was in the wedding party. I didn't want to be. I certainly didn't want to wear that ugly bright blue green dress and those stupid dyed shoes that matched. I rode in the car with a friend of the grooms. He was nice enough; but we didn't talk. He was about six years older than me. I was just becoming a freshman. Anyway, my brother scolded me at one of the taverns we stopped at and said that from the car he was in following us he could see that I wasn't talking and that I should talk me. Again, I felt like a total failure. It seemed everything was my fault and I couldn't do anything right. I was a total fish out of water. So, I guess about then I learned to make more of an effort to strike up conversation and do what was expected of me. I was totally not being myself. I was in a way taught that everyone else was more important. Everyone elise's' feelings we more important than mine. I got so used to hearing "what would people think". That line was my mother's litany or mantra. My brother and sister fit right in I and dad were the weirdest ones. Mom hated dad because he never wanted to go anywhere with her or do what she wanted him to do.

One day I guess I was just in high school she was cooking or clearing the table right after breakfast and they were arguing and she said. "I just want to take a knife and stick it in him and twist it." I thought holy cow.. why doesn't she divorce him. She made all the money that went into school things and the house. God knows I heard that argument time and time again. My parents were always arguing over money. Mom said the little bit he made farming he put right back into the farm. She was never happy! My dad was happy if everyone let him alone. Soon he began to sit up late at night and drink and smoke cigarettes and could have burned the house down around me..the living room was under my bedroom; but, I was lucky when he fell asleep his dropped cigarette only burned a spot on the carpet. I was always afraid.

Seems like my half-sister and my brother were normal and social. They were big hits with my mother who was soon planning a wedding for my half-sister. They were crazy about her boyfriend. I was pretty much on the side lines and that was the way I liked it. My dad used to sit at night, sometimes all night and drink. When I was twenty-one and would go out at night he would be sitting up when I got home and in the morning still up sitting there in the living room with the TV turned down so low there was no way he could even hear it. But, in the morning, still drunk he would accuse me of whoring. My mother never held up for me or came to my defense. I think she was glad he yelled at me. I don't know why. But, I know she took pleasure in it. She never take my side.

Even when I was about seven or eight years old and let the German Shepard loose because he begged to be let loose and want to play she never held up for me or tried to stop dad from beating the dog to death while he made me watch. We had little pigs and after I played with the dog I guess I got distracted and the dog went over to the pig pens and jump in and killed two little pigs. I dad was irate and made me hold the dog. I asked him what he was going to do as he was walking to the shed and he said teach the dog and me a lesson. He made me hold the dog by the collar as he walked to the shed. I had no idea he was going to come back with a big heavy iron hammer. I was frozen with fear. He then took the dog from me and held the dog between his legs and began beating the dog on the head. The dog looked at me like "what did I do". Again it was all my fault. He beat and beat and beat the dog until there was blood and he was tired of beating. My mother and half-sister sat in the house hidden with her little beagle she lived with in town with my grandmother. She was out visiting. My mother had that same smirk on her face later when I came into the house. She never came to my defense. I had stood frozen in fear and sincerely thought that I would be beaten with the hammer next. Because he told me to stand there. I thought I was next in line for a lesson. He let the semi-conscious dog lie there until he died. I was in shock. For many years I couldn't tell anyone what happened that evening. I was too ashamed! I said when I did finally tell one of my boyfriends that it was my fault I let the dog loose. My dad lost me totally the day he accused me of being a whore and I walked away from him and he commanded me to come back and I didn't. That was the last straw I hated him after that and had no sympathy or pity for him when he became sick all though my mother commanded me for years each Sunday to visit him in the nursing home. I hated him and I hated her. I never shed one tear when he died. I was in my early forties when he died.