Anxiety

I was born into a unbalanced, disleveled, hostile, adverse, antagonistic household. Fear and uncertainty was ever present. I was scared most of the time. Afraid I would be abandoned. And I was abandoned in a sense. Little did I know then what words to use to describe how I felt; but, I guess I felt lonely, scared and insecure. Unloved! Even if I had the words to describe my childhood environment, I had no one to talk to about it. No one!

My mother lived a life of anxiety and was always complaining and fretting about everything and I took those feelings into myself and carried them into my adulthood. So, I too worried about everything and was scared. When most people merely took events and projects in stride I antagonized with every thought and moment.

I was mostly alone and scare as a kid and as an adult. I guess there were good things that my childhood taught me. I learned not to trust or depend on others and I learned to love myself. I learned to be self-sufficent and not depend on anyone. But, maybe that is not a good thing?

To compound matters I had affections for other girls and women. I searched for the love I never received as a toddler. By my first birthday, I was too big to hold. There were no hugs, squeezes and kisses from either parent. My father was extremely distance and either laughed at me or was yelling. He always preached, as did my brother. Yes, they preached, corrected, controlled, dominated, punched, pushed, kicked, smacked and ridiculed. My mother never saying a word in my defense. In fact, I got the feeling by seeing the slight smirk, that she actually, enjoyed it.

I was alone, with them, out in the country. All summer long never seeing my friends from school. I saw my cousins once in a while but there was something wrong with that family too I guess because my mother complained all the time about them.

What was left? I lived in daysdreams and pretended someone loved me and she was very warm, tender, loving and giving. She would hold me, kiss my head, squeeze me tight, and I loved her so much. Oh, she might have been a movie star, TV star, or an older girl at school who was once kind to me.

Our childhoods stack and shape our adult lives. It's the foundation from which we have to grow from in one way or another. I entered this world mostly in a state of neutral. I do believe that subconsciously (our spirit) that we do bring things with us from past lives such as common sense or the lack of it. But, other than that we are in nuetral just hungry sponges wanting only to love and be loved and to learn.

I know I brought some idealistics with me because I knew even as a toddler that my mother was pushing me away, was cold. And that my father sat back and added to my grief by laughing at my pain. Or maybe he was happy she pushed me away too.

Apparently, signs of affection were signs of weakness according to my family. But, being a lesbian, I learned to hide my feelings from other women. It was taboo to be in love with another women according to our social standards and customs at the time. An abomination, an evil force according to the church and therefore by all society; but not according to nature! I have always loved women and girls as a child. My heart aches because I believed that I was alone in feeling this way. I had no roll models and no one to talk to. I truly hide my feelings until I was in my forties and more lesbians were visible. Although the obvious ones were butch and unlike myself and that even confused me more. But, I knew my days as living as a hetersexual were over completely even if it meant that I was asexual for the rest of my life. No more men! I just didn't connect with them. I couldn't give back emotionally or sexually. I only took from them. It was cold and my heart ached ..for her. But, when I was finally with a woman, I thought I died and went to heaven. I was home!

Now, today, I am very sexual with a woman. It's like I can't get enough. Just the nearness of her body lying there next to me drives me hot with desire to make love to her. I never felt that way with a man. I never wanted to kiss a man all over. With her, I can't get enough. So sad because I finally found this reality in my 58th year.

If I think about it, it makes me very sad that I had to wait so long to fine my niche. Especially when I see my friends who are young couples together so in love! It makes my heart ache with envy. I still don't have that.. only the sex. Some day! I have left that dream up to the universe. I put my request out there and now it's up to the universe to set up my future with a loving, tender, sweet, wonderful woman who is available to me in full and shares my lifestyle, loves, passions and tenderness and who looks like Helen Mirron with blond hair.