Thursday, February 15, 2007
"Preacher Primary is next week not in New Hampshire but in Orlando
Read this and worry. Republicans are seeking the evangelical votes. Yes, the Republicans' first primary is in Orlando at the annual meeting of the National Religious Broadcasters. GOP presidential candidates will be there to try to generate a buzz that will translate into evangelical airtime - and support in the "base" in 2008
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Sisters..
I just read a book "She, Myself, and I" by Whitney Kastel. Oh, I came across it at the nearby library when I was on Jury Duty several weeks ago on 1/29/07.
The story was an easy read and quit interesting. The story was written in the first person told by three different persons, sisters, each with their own chapters. A different way; one that I have never read before. Usually, in the first person the same person tells the whole story throughout the book. In this one each of the three sisters their say.
Anyway, the point I wanted to make was that the sisters were close like very good friends. I never had that. There was animosity in my family between siblings. I guess we reflects our parents. My half-sister never lived with me. She lived in town; I lived in the country on the farm.. so isolated.
I've never had close sisters. I think that if I did, I would be more comfortable and easier to be around friends and make friends. I do okay but I never had that comfortable feeling that I could just pick up the phone and call. I never felt that comfortable around my siblings or family. And in later years I got the feeling that they only called when they wanted something.
The whole thing was very weird and awkward..that was my experience with these people. I never felt close. I never shed a tear when my father or both sets of grandparents died. I haven't seen my mother, siblings or any relatives in over two years and could care less.
I cried when my dog died. I'll cry terribly if something would happen to my ex. She is my family. I can talk to her. I feel comfortable with her. I feel comfortable with my friends.
It's so wonderful to have those people out of my life. So, I guess that says a lot! I am a warm hearted kind person with a good heart and a rotten past.
I was abused, so abused in so many ways. I was stuck with those people out there.. alone with only my daydreams to sustain me. I daydreamed someone loved me. Usually, my object of affection was a TV or movie star or a sweet, cute, kind hearted person at school who looked out for me and was sweet to me. It made my heart ache. The loneliness.
I am a lesbian and had to live the straight life which severity added to my pain. Oh my god! Now that I have had so wonderful lovemaking with a woman I know now what I missed all those years.. until I was 57 years old and was with a 35 year old. Two years later today, I am the most passionate lover. I have a wonderful lover now. We have a very special relationship.
I finally came out when I was about 40. I hooked up with my ex for 15 years. I did and do love her. We had a wonderful relationship and then I retired in 2003. I guess I had time to think? I don't know. But through the years things changed. We never had sex and we slept separately. We are still close friends and I'm glad. Because I know with her I will get an honest answer and she has my back and I hers. I trust her.
When I was a kid I had crushes on girls. I never had a crush on a boy. When I became a teenage boys asked me out. I was flattered of course. But, there was no emotional connection. Oh, I was sexual and a woman is aroused by stimulation. But, I wasn't into him. So, I cheated my way through life. I wasn't really there in the relationship. I was with him but in love with her. My closes way to her was through him and double dating. She had no clue that I had a crush on her. This my friends was my life until I was forty years old.
I can't think back and feel cheated. I gave that feeling up. You see not long ago I had a crush on a 26 year old. She is with a young woman. I got over the crush. She is my friend and I get a big kick out of her; out of both of them.
I'm in a better place. After our split, I wanted to hang with younger people because they were active and liked to do the things I like to do and I wanted to do those things and I did and they were magical. Like go to the bar and dance and drink. It was magical! Like beat in half marathons. Magical! Like dance the swing with the best of them.. and I did. It was magical! And I made love to a 35 year old. It was drop dead gone to heaven magical! Making love to a woman...oh my god! Super magical!
I can't feel sorry for myself about all the wonderful young women I never got to love because I had to live the straight life. Well, I loved them, I just couldn't express my love physically.
So, I feel life is a journey. I know now to that we get what we want. I wanted all those magical moments and I got them. But, it wasn't until I wished for them and truly believe I could make them happen.
If only I would have known that wonderful message as a kid. And the message, "The Secret" is that we have the power to create our own realities. The church doesn't want us to know this. The church, any church, any religion, is nothing more than a group of authoritarian, supremacist, totalitarian, Communists manipulators who want nothing more than to be worshiped leaders and speak as if they were god herself. Frankly, I think, and I know this will shock you, but, I think the idea of a superior being is made up. I know! I know! everyone around the world believes in a god, a higher power. But, when you think of it when the so called "bible" was written, many religions spun off of others. Remember the Christian crusades..how they KILLED people who wouldn't believe or wouldn't join their religion. Look in Ireland how the Catholics and Protestants are still fighting...over who is the one true religion.
Why is there all this fighting and killing in the name of god and in the name of religion. Why do they hide behind "god"? They are such hypocrites!
If there truly was a god, she would not have written in prejudices, and homophobia. The religious say we are sinners. Well, something has to be broken (you) so they (priests etc) can fix you. It's all a scam. The biggest scam of a lifetime. And people are so gullible that it's pathetic!
I think people just do not want to think for themselves. They would rather follow a leader.
The story was an easy read and quit interesting. The story was written in the first person told by three different persons, sisters, each with their own chapters. A different way; one that I have never read before. Usually, in the first person the same person tells the whole story throughout the book. In this one each of the three sisters their say.
Anyway, the point I wanted to make was that the sisters were close like very good friends. I never had that. There was animosity in my family between siblings. I guess we reflects our parents. My half-sister never lived with me. She lived in town; I lived in the country on the farm.. so isolated.
I've never had close sisters. I think that if I did, I would be more comfortable and easier to be around friends and make friends. I do okay but I never had that comfortable feeling that I could just pick up the phone and call. I never felt that comfortable around my siblings or family. And in later years I got the feeling that they only called when they wanted something.
The whole thing was very weird and awkward..that was my experience with these people. I never felt close. I never shed a tear when my father or both sets of grandparents died. I haven't seen my mother, siblings or any relatives in over two years and could care less.
I cried when my dog died. I'll cry terribly if something would happen to my ex. She is my family. I can talk to her. I feel comfortable with her. I feel comfortable with my friends.
It's so wonderful to have those people out of my life. So, I guess that says a lot! I am a warm hearted kind person with a good heart and a rotten past.
I was abused, so abused in so many ways. I was stuck with those people out there.. alone with only my daydreams to sustain me. I daydreamed someone loved me. Usually, my object of affection was a TV or movie star or a sweet, cute, kind hearted person at school who looked out for me and was sweet to me. It made my heart ache. The loneliness.
I am a lesbian and had to live the straight life which severity added to my pain. Oh my god! Now that I have had so wonderful lovemaking with a woman I know now what I missed all those years.. until I was 57 years old and was with a 35 year old. Two years later today, I am the most passionate lover. I have a wonderful lover now. We have a very special relationship.
I finally came out when I was about 40. I hooked up with my ex for 15 years. I did and do love her. We had a wonderful relationship and then I retired in 2003. I guess I had time to think? I don't know. But through the years things changed. We never had sex and we slept separately. We are still close friends and I'm glad. Because I know with her I will get an honest answer and she has my back and I hers. I trust her.
When I was a kid I had crushes on girls. I never had a crush on a boy. When I became a teenage boys asked me out. I was flattered of course. But, there was no emotional connection. Oh, I was sexual and a woman is aroused by stimulation. But, I wasn't into him. So, I cheated my way through life. I wasn't really there in the relationship. I was with him but in love with her. My closes way to her was through him and double dating. She had no clue that I had a crush on her. This my friends was my life until I was forty years old.
I can't think back and feel cheated. I gave that feeling up. You see not long ago I had a crush on a 26 year old. She is with a young woman. I got over the crush. She is my friend and I get a big kick out of her; out of both of them.
I'm in a better place. After our split, I wanted to hang with younger people because they were active and liked to do the things I like to do and I wanted to do those things and I did and they were magical. Like go to the bar and dance and drink. It was magical! Like beat in half marathons. Magical! Like dance the swing with the best of them.. and I did. It was magical! And I made love to a 35 year old. It was drop dead gone to heaven magical! Making love to a woman...oh my god! Super magical!
I can't feel sorry for myself about all the wonderful young women I never got to love because I had to live the straight life. Well, I loved them, I just couldn't express my love physically.
So, I feel life is a journey. I know now to that we get what we want. I wanted all those magical moments and I got them. But, it wasn't until I wished for them and truly believe I could make them happen.
If only I would have known that wonderful message as a kid. And the message, "The Secret" is that we have the power to create our own realities. The church doesn't want us to know this. The church, any church, any religion, is nothing more than a group of authoritarian, supremacist, totalitarian, Communists manipulators who want nothing more than to be worshiped leaders and speak as if they were god herself. Frankly, I think, and I know this will shock you, but, I think the idea of a superior being is made up. I know! I know! everyone around the world believes in a god, a higher power. But, when you think of it when the so called "bible" was written, many religions spun off of others. Remember the Christian crusades..how they KILLED people who wouldn't believe or wouldn't join their religion. Look in Ireland how the Catholics and Protestants are still fighting...over who is the one true religion.
Why is there all this fighting and killing in the name of god and in the name of religion. Why do they hide behind "god"? They are such hypocrites!
If there truly was a god, she would not have written in prejudices, and homophobia. The religious say we are sinners. Well, something has to be broken (you) so they (priests etc) can fix you. It's all a scam. The biggest scam of a lifetime. And people are so gullible that it's pathetic!
I think people just do not want to think for themselves. They would rather follow a leader.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Anxiety
I was born into a unbalanced, disleveled, hostile, adverse, antagonistic household. Fear and uncertainty was ever present. I was scared most of the time. Afraid I would be abandoned. And I was abandoned in a sense. Little did I know then what words to use to describe how I felt; but, I guess I felt lonely, scared and insecure. Unloved! Even if I had the words to describe my childhood environment, I had no one to talk to about it. No one!
My mother lived a life of anxiety and was always complaining and fretting about everything and I took those feelings into myself and carried them into my adulthood. So, I too worried about everything and was scared. When most people merely took events and projects in stride I antagonized with every thought and moment.
I was mostly alone and scare as a kid and as an adult. I guess there were good things that my childhood taught me. I learned not to trust or depend on others and I learned to love myself. I learned to be self-sufficent and not depend on anyone. But, maybe that is not a good thing?
To compound matters I had affections for other girls and women. I searched for the love I never received as a toddler. By my first birthday, I was too big to hold. There were no hugs, squeezes and kisses from either parent. My father was extremely distance and either laughed at me or was yelling. He always preached, as did my brother. Yes, they preached, corrected, controlled, dominated, punched, pushed, kicked, smacked and ridiculed. My mother never saying a word in my defense. In fact, I got the feeling by seeing the slight smirk, that she actually, enjoyed it.
I was alone, with them, out in the country. All summer long never seeing my friends from school. I saw my cousins once in a while but there was something wrong with that family too I guess because my mother complained all the time about them.
What was left? I lived in daysdreams and pretended someone loved me and she was very warm, tender, loving and giving. She would hold me, kiss my head, squeeze me tight, and I loved her so much. Oh, she might have been a movie star, TV star, or an older girl at school who was once kind to me.
Our childhoods stack and shape our adult lives. It's the foundation from which we have to grow from in one way or another. I entered this world mostly in a state of neutral. I do believe that subconsciously (our spirit) that we do bring things with us from past lives such as common sense or the lack of it. But, other than that we are in nuetral just hungry sponges wanting only to love and be loved and to learn.
I know I brought some idealistics with me because I knew even as a toddler that my mother was pushing me away, was cold. And that my father sat back and added to my grief by laughing at my pain. Or maybe he was happy she pushed me away too.
Apparently, signs of affection were signs of weakness according to my family. But, being a lesbian, I learned to hide my feelings from other women. It was taboo to be in love with another women according to our social standards and customs at the time. An abomination, an evil force according to the church and therefore by all society; but not according to nature! I have always loved women and girls as a child. My heart aches because I believed that I was alone in feeling this way. I had no roll models and no one to talk to. I truly hide my feelings until I was in my forties and more lesbians were visible. Although the obvious ones were butch and unlike myself and that even confused me more. But, I knew my days as living as a hetersexual were over completely even if it meant that I was asexual for the rest of my life. No more men! I just didn't connect with them. I couldn't give back emotionally or sexually. I only took from them. It was cold and my heart ached ..for her. But, when I was finally with a woman, I thought I died and went to heaven. I was home!
Now, today, I am very sexual with a woman. It's like I can't get enough. Just the nearness of her body lying there next to me drives me hot with desire to make love to her. I never felt that way with a man. I never wanted to kiss a man all over. With her, I can't get enough. So sad because I finally found this reality in my 58th year.
If I think about it, it makes me very sad that I had to wait so long to fine my niche. Especially when I see my friends who are young couples together so in love! It makes my heart ache with envy. I still don't have that.. only the sex. Some day! I have left that dream up to the universe. I put my request out there and now it's up to the universe to set up my future with a loving, tender, sweet, wonderful woman who is available to me in full and shares my lifestyle, loves, passions and tenderness and who looks like Helen Mirron with blond hair.
My mother lived a life of anxiety and was always complaining and fretting about everything and I took those feelings into myself and carried them into my adulthood. So, I too worried about everything and was scared. When most people merely took events and projects in stride I antagonized with every thought and moment.
I was mostly alone and scare as a kid and as an adult. I guess there were good things that my childhood taught me. I learned not to trust or depend on others and I learned to love myself. I learned to be self-sufficent and not depend on anyone. But, maybe that is not a good thing?
To compound matters I had affections for other girls and women. I searched for the love I never received as a toddler. By my first birthday, I was too big to hold. There were no hugs, squeezes and kisses from either parent. My father was extremely distance and either laughed at me or was yelling. He always preached, as did my brother. Yes, they preached, corrected, controlled, dominated, punched, pushed, kicked, smacked and ridiculed. My mother never saying a word in my defense. In fact, I got the feeling by seeing the slight smirk, that she actually, enjoyed it.
I was alone, with them, out in the country. All summer long never seeing my friends from school. I saw my cousins once in a while but there was something wrong with that family too I guess because my mother complained all the time about them.
What was left? I lived in daysdreams and pretended someone loved me and she was very warm, tender, loving and giving. She would hold me, kiss my head, squeeze me tight, and I loved her so much. Oh, she might have been a movie star, TV star, or an older girl at school who was once kind to me.
Our childhoods stack and shape our adult lives. It's the foundation from which we have to grow from in one way or another. I entered this world mostly in a state of neutral. I do believe that subconsciously (our spirit) that we do bring things with us from past lives such as common sense or the lack of it. But, other than that we are in nuetral just hungry sponges wanting only to love and be loved and to learn.
I know I brought some idealistics with me because I knew even as a toddler that my mother was pushing me away, was cold. And that my father sat back and added to my grief by laughing at my pain. Or maybe he was happy she pushed me away too.
Apparently, signs of affection were signs of weakness according to my family. But, being a lesbian, I learned to hide my feelings from other women. It was taboo to be in love with another women according to our social standards and customs at the time. An abomination, an evil force according to the church and therefore by all society; but not according to nature! I have always loved women and girls as a child. My heart aches because I believed that I was alone in feeling this way. I had no roll models and no one to talk to. I truly hide my feelings until I was in my forties and more lesbians were visible. Although the obvious ones were butch and unlike myself and that even confused me more. But, I knew my days as living as a hetersexual were over completely even if it meant that I was asexual for the rest of my life. No more men! I just didn't connect with them. I couldn't give back emotionally or sexually. I only took from them. It was cold and my heart ached ..for her. But, when I was finally with a woman, I thought I died and went to heaven. I was home!
Now, today, I am very sexual with a woman. It's like I can't get enough. Just the nearness of her body lying there next to me drives me hot with desire to make love to her. I never felt that way with a man. I never wanted to kiss a man all over. With her, I can't get enough. So sad because I finally found this reality in my 58th year.
If I think about it, it makes me very sad that I had to wait so long to fine my niche. Especially when I see my friends who are young couples together so in love! It makes my heart ache with envy. I still don't have that.. only the sex. Some day! I have left that dream up to the universe. I put my request out there and now it's up to the universe to set up my future with a loving, tender, sweet, wonderful woman who is available to me in full and shares my lifestyle, loves, passions and tenderness and who looks like Helen Mirron with blond hair.
Saturday, January 20, 2007
chapter 14.. it never changes
All if know is that it never changes. I never felt loved as a kid or deserving of love and I don't as an adult. I loved women as a young woman and could never have her whom I loved so much. She never knew!
That was in the 80's, in my thirties. I fucked by 30's away with men. Living a fucking nightmare life to please society, family and the fucking church. And for fucking what? So someone else could be happen and maybe not ashamed.. Mother fucking assholes! I sacrificied my life! And for what? And for who? Fucking moroons that are no fucking better than me!
In my youth I loved women. In my 30's I loved a woman who never know I loved her very much and it broke my heart when she got married to a man. I died and kicked the furniture and begged to die.
In 2004 I fell in love with a doctor, a woman. I wanted to love her.. same fucking thing. I always fall in love with the unattainable it seems. Why is life so cruel to me when I have so much love in my heart. Of course, I'm not a fucking asshole. I don't just want anybody.
I fell in love with a much younger woman. I love her dearly and it's killing my heart. Why does god do this shit to me. I would rather fucking die! Hey, thanks a lot for this misery that my heart has to endure!
I am sick of this and just want to fucking die. All of my friends are pairs off... but me. And I"m the fucking cute one! I'm nice! I don't complain! I am sick of all this fucking shit. I told god and the universe back in the 80's that I wanted off this fucking nightmare loveless fucking ride. My mother never loved me.. nor any of my fucking family or relatives. My love was daydream love; pretending that someone actually fucking loved me and that fucking shit still goes on today. This is how I live my fucking life! Pretending! I have love possiblities dangled right in front of me yet I get no love interest.
I'm starting to get fucking pissed now! Motherfuckers! And they try to tell us we create our own realities. Yeh, turn it around and blame the fucking victims...some moroon man must have have thought of that one! Assholes! Have a good fucking life.. I'm out of here! You all pissed me off one to fucking many times.. now you can just stick it up your fucking ass!
That was in the 80's, in my thirties. I fucked by 30's away with men. Living a fucking nightmare life to please society, family and the fucking church. And for fucking what? So someone else could be happen and maybe not ashamed.. Mother fucking assholes! I sacrificied my life! And for what? And for who? Fucking moroons that are no fucking better than me!
In my youth I loved women. In my 30's I loved a woman who never know I loved her very much and it broke my heart when she got married to a man. I died and kicked the furniture and begged to die.
In 2004 I fell in love with a doctor, a woman. I wanted to love her.. same fucking thing. I always fall in love with the unattainable it seems. Why is life so cruel to me when I have so much love in my heart. Of course, I'm not a fucking asshole. I don't just want anybody.
I fell in love with a much younger woman. I love her dearly and it's killing my heart. Why does god do this shit to me. I would rather fucking die! Hey, thanks a lot for this misery that my heart has to endure!
I am sick of this and just want to fucking die. All of my friends are pairs off... but me. And I"m the fucking cute one! I'm nice! I don't complain! I am sick of all this fucking shit. I told god and the universe back in the 80's that I wanted off this fucking nightmare loveless fucking ride. My mother never loved me.. nor any of my fucking family or relatives. My love was daydream love; pretending that someone actually fucking loved me and that fucking shit still goes on today. This is how I live my fucking life! Pretending! I have love possiblities dangled right in front of me yet I get no love interest.
I'm starting to get fucking pissed now! Motherfuckers! And they try to tell us we create our own realities. Yeh, turn it around and blame the fucking victims...some moroon man must have have thought of that one! Assholes! Have a good fucking life.. I'm out of here! You all pissed me off one to fucking many times.. now you can just stick it up your fucking ass!
Chapter 13 American Autos
When I was a kid I could remember every make and model that was built. After all there were only a few.
It seems not only the auto but everything was simpler then. Men could work on their own cars. Good thing because they were breaking down all the time and break down were the expected norms; after all it was mechanical and mechanical things break down...typical American motor company excuse. Little did the consumer realize that the American auto maker consciously built in break downs by using cheap faulty parts so the driver had to spend more money on parts and labor. Repairs were built into the profit equation.
As still today American cars sell to a particular male audience pushing muscle and rumbling exhaust pipes that now seem silly and too blue collar for today's young professionals. Today blue collar relates to lower middle class.
I can't figure out why the American auto makers have never decided to move ahead but still mimic their 80 year old daddy's ideas in car design much to their in the red margins and very possible total demise.
I remember the rock and roll of our 1955 Dodge. It was very unstable around corners and when you hit the break the car kept rocking back and force. I think this was all for giving the passengers a smoother ride. There was always something wrong with it.
I hated stepping out into the soft mud with little rock when I was kid. I wished I lived in town where there was at lease pavement. I longed for concrete curbs and sidewalk. Maybe in a recent past life I lived in the big city and therefore hated muddy dress shoes.
I hated dressing like a girl, but that's another chapter. Our car didn't take us very far. We lived less than five miles out of town. I could run that easily now. When I was a kid it seems so far away because I was alone without friends. And there were only boys in the neighborhood. I daydreamed a lot about shinny new convertibles. Blue was my favorite color.
When I was a kid the best ticket price at the homecoming, beside the crowning of the queen, was the sky blue Chevy convertible. Oh, how I wished we could win it. I was too young to drive and envied the young people who were old enough too. I envied the boys too because they could ask girls out. The pure fact that never would be able to made my heart sink.
I always had that ache in my heart. But, the one time my brother got a warm feeling and let me drive his convertible into town was so cool. Of course, none of my town friends were home for me to give a ride. And it seems the ones that were just weren't that interested. They weren't as thrilled about riding in a convertible as I was..must have been a "hair" thing. So, a super thriller evening turned out now to be all that great.
I learned a lesson that evening and that was not to depend on others for a good time. I learned to create and enjoy my own good times by myself and not to let others stop me from doing what I love to do. I bicycled alone as a kid and still as an adult because my closest friends and eventual partner never liked too. They were not interested. So I entertain myself.
Same with running. If I would have waited for others to want to run it never would have happened. I guess I learned an important lesson and that is to follow your heart.
But back then it was unladylike to do anything physical. Girls were taught to sit and watch boys perform and cheer them on. Girls were weak and it wasn't lady like to join in sports. When we did play basketball in PE it was half court basketball and girls didn't have to play if they were having their period. It was disgraceful for me. Another thing that depressed me was weak sissy women. Little then they know that the male culture was conditioning women to keep them in their place at home with the children and out of the sports arena a work place. Men were the important, intelligent members of society. Women were weak and had to be taken care of. I hated my youth and the time period I had to grow up in. I saw the media social conditioning going on and women fell for it; of course, they had no choice in the matter. Women were financially depended on men, just the way men preferred it. Trapped!
It seems not only the auto but everything was simpler then. Men could work on their own cars. Good thing because they were breaking down all the time and break down were the expected norms; after all it was mechanical and mechanical things break down...typical American motor company excuse. Little did the consumer realize that the American auto maker consciously built in break downs by using cheap faulty parts so the driver had to spend more money on parts and labor. Repairs were built into the profit equation.
As still today American cars sell to a particular male audience pushing muscle and rumbling exhaust pipes that now seem silly and too blue collar for today's young professionals. Today blue collar relates to lower middle class.
I can't figure out why the American auto makers have never decided to move ahead but still mimic their 80 year old daddy's ideas in car design much to their in the red margins and very possible total demise.
I remember the rock and roll of our 1955 Dodge. It was very unstable around corners and when you hit the break the car kept rocking back and force. I think this was all for giving the passengers a smoother ride. There was always something wrong with it.
I hated stepping out into the soft mud with little rock when I was kid. I wished I lived in town where there was at lease pavement. I longed for concrete curbs and sidewalk. Maybe in a recent past life I lived in the big city and therefore hated muddy dress shoes.
I hated dressing like a girl, but that's another chapter. Our car didn't take us very far. We lived less than five miles out of town. I could run that easily now. When I was a kid it seems so far away because I was alone without friends. And there were only boys in the neighborhood. I daydreamed a lot about shinny new convertibles. Blue was my favorite color.
When I was a kid the best ticket price at the homecoming, beside the crowning of the queen, was the sky blue Chevy convertible. Oh, how I wished we could win it. I was too young to drive and envied the young people who were old enough too. I envied the boys too because they could ask girls out. The pure fact that never would be able to made my heart sink.
I always had that ache in my heart. But, the one time my brother got a warm feeling and let me drive his convertible into town was so cool. Of course, none of my town friends were home for me to give a ride. And it seems the ones that were just weren't that interested. They weren't as thrilled about riding in a convertible as I was..must have been a "hair" thing. So, a super thriller evening turned out now to be all that great.
I learned a lesson that evening and that was not to depend on others for a good time. I learned to create and enjoy my own good times by myself and not to let others stop me from doing what I love to do. I bicycled alone as a kid and still as an adult because my closest friends and eventual partner never liked too. They were not interested. So I entertain myself.
Same with running. If I would have waited for others to want to run it never would have happened. I guess I learned an important lesson and that is to follow your heart.
But back then it was unladylike to do anything physical. Girls were taught to sit and watch boys perform and cheer them on. Girls were weak and it wasn't lady like to join in sports. When we did play basketball in PE it was half court basketball and girls didn't have to play if they were having their period. It was disgraceful for me. Another thing that depressed me was weak sissy women. Little then they know that the male culture was conditioning women to keep them in their place at home with the children and out of the sports arena a work place. Men were the important, intelligent members of society. Women were weak and had to be taken care of. I hated my youth and the time period I had to grow up in. I saw the media social conditioning going on and women fell for it; of course, they had no choice in the matter. Women were financially depended on men, just the way men preferred it. Trapped!
Friday, January 19, 2007
chapter 12
Today I had a flash from the past as I was out on my run. I was running along the left side of the street facing drivers. When an elderly gentleman was going to turn left in front of me. Well, he was way into the turn so I would have had to run in the weeds and broken branches to run on the left side of his car like his big finger directed me to.
Suddenly I got a blast from the past and was determined to go against his directions. Bile from my gut welled up in the form of anger into my throat as I turned quickly to the right to make sure no care was coming from behind and ran across the street in defiance.
My whole childhood was directed by the big male finger. I was nothing more than a stupid nuisance holy than though men had to put up with. Actually, to boss, ridicule and put me down was the highlight of their day. Men were mere morons and assholes getting a big kick out of knocking and keeping down the little guy.
Here I was nothing but a kid, a girl, at that and I experienced constant ridicule, resentment, anger and belittlement. So much for being a big man...picking on a little kid and then young woman.
By the time I was a young woman working I hated them all yet I tolerated their crap and I don't know why. I guess we get stuck in the misery. But, I finally woke up even though it took me many years.
Anyway today that old man and that director, boss, godly, authoritarian finger pissed me off. I will no longer be told what to do or be ordered around. I have had enough of this from old men and men of that generation in particular think they just know it all. How dare you think you are better, smarter, wiser or more powerful than me.
The men in my family were like this. I learned too at a very young age not to ask them for anything and so I didn't. The lease I owed them, I felt the better. The slate was clean when I did my disappearing act. There was nothing there for me - nothing. They were fools! They thought that if they belittled a women that that made them men. They were worse in front of each other. Which appears to me that most men are indeed gay. They are so worried about impressing one another it turns my stomach.
And why do men like to watch men play sports? I'm a lesbian and I love to watch women play sports! So what does that really tell you.
If men really loved and respected women and were not gay they would have treated women equally from the beginning of time. But, no, a small group of men wrote up the bible and wrote it to theri advantage. Yes, let's make the women sub-serivant and weak and not allow them to be an education and say it's because they are incapable of learning anyway. Just as "god" if there really is one.. I think humans (men) made that up too! would have created everyone equal... it's only common sense.
Suddenly I got a blast from the past and was determined to go against his directions. Bile from my gut welled up in the form of anger into my throat as I turned quickly to the right to make sure no care was coming from behind and ran across the street in defiance.
My whole childhood was directed by the big male finger. I was nothing more than a stupid nuisance holy than though men had to put up with. Actually, to boss, ridicule and put me down was the highlight of their day. Men were mere morons and assholes getting a big kick out of knocking and keeping down the little guy.
Here I was nothing but a kid, a girl, at that and I experienced constant ridicule, resentment, anger and belittlement. So much for being a big man...picking on a little kid and then young woman.
By the time I was a young woman working I hated them all yet I tolerated their crap and I don't know why. I guess we get stuck in the misery. But, I finally woke up even though it took me many years.
Anyway today that old man and that director, boss, godly, authoritarian finger pissed me off. I will no longer be told what to do or be ordered around. I have had enough of this from old men and men of that generation in particular think they just know it all. How dare you think you are better, smarter, wiser or more powerful than me.
The men in my family were like this. I learned too at a very young age not to ask them for anything and so I didn't. The lease I owed them, I felt the better. The slate was clean when I did my disappearing act. There was nothing there for me - nothing. They were fools! They thought that if they belittled a women that that made them men. They were worse in front of each other. Which appears to me that most men are indeed gay. They are so worried about impressing one another it turns my stomach.
And why do men like to watch men play sports? I'm a lesbian and I love to watch women play sports! So what does that really tell you.
If men really loved and respected women and were not gay they would have treated women equally from the beginning of time. But, no, a small group of men wrote up the bible and wrote it to theri advantage. Yes, let's make the women sub-serivant and weak and not allow them to be an education and say it's because they are incapable of learning anyway. Just as "god" if there really is one.. I think humans (men) made that up too! would have created everyone equal... it's only common sense.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Chapter 12
I had a great day.. it took me a while but I finally got my butt out doors.. to run the five miles to the gym; then swim for about forty minutes. It was fun. I just wish they had more swim lanes. If I was extremely good at swimming I won't care so much..but I'm not and I feel I'm going to get in the way of a good swimmer when I share the lane. Well, I'll just have to get better at it. Today I was watching the "professionals" and they make it look so easy. .. I mean the breathing technique that goes along with free style swimming. When I turn my head back and open my mouth and breath in.. I don't really breath in.. I don't think. I need to work on this. Because after three strokes I have to roll a bit and do the side stroke untill I breath through my mouth good four or five times. So, I know I don't inhale when I turn my head to the side..I'm afraid I ask of inhaling water. So, I need to work on this. Here is my goal: To be able to swim and look good at it; oh, and do that flip thing at the end and continue swimming.. it looks so cool. Especially when women do it. I can't help it.. I so love women.I'm looking at older women in a different light as time goes on... and since (much to my surprise) I'm one of them. But, I'm not really! I guess I'm like the old lady who is 90 and lives on her on and is active and when she speaks of someone her age who is sickly she refers to them as "old". And says. "I don't like hanging out those old people". and it makes you chuckle.I also knew a women who was in her 80's and volunteered at the hospital carting sick people back and forth in wheel chairs who were younger than her. I just thought of another couple well into their 80's who still do meals on wheels twice a week.So far I am not doing any volunteer stuff; but, I well probably in time. I just need to take of myself right now. Besides it's nice but it's not a requirement. We are here to be happy and take care of ourselves. Didn't you know that! It's ignorant religion that makes us think we have to sacrifice ourselves for everyone else's happiness.Can't you tell that I was rised Catholic. Oh my god! My happiness wasn't to come until I died and went to heaven; but, first I had to sacrifice my happiness and worth here on earth. Anyway, it was the idea I got from the church and my mother. Life was hell! And it really was.. my childhood was very painful! God, these people were unhappy, and cold, and angry and just down right mean.. and they tried to verbally, (mostly) ripe you apart every chance they got. It was awful.And this crap tarnished you for life.. everyone else was better. I was meant to serve. I knew for sure I was meant to make my date (boy) look good, good wiser, appear smarter and he got to drive the damn car. I said "yes" to every idea and made it sound like it was a great one.Do you know how many times I was glad the date was over? Why did I even go? I was programmed to be flattered when a boy asked me out. Of all people to ask out.. the one who is least interested. I never flirted.. I didn't care! I must have been some sort of challenge or something. Oh how my heart ached for her.... I was always so in love with some girl.. ...damn my heart ached..... most of my life.. because I knew in my heart it could never be.I thought that too, I was the only one like this... I never ever discussed my strong feelings for women.. ever. Not with her! Not with anyone else. My brother put a lid on that when I was a kid....and corrected me! "Boy, talk like that, not girls"! When I exclaimed that "she was so cute". I was crushed.. doomed from the very start! God, life hurt.. so bad!I was depressed. So I settled. I loved her.. she never knew. Things got more tough when I began to have sex with men. I wanted to touch her like he touched me. There was nothing in it for me.. with a boy.. he had everything.. I had nothing. I could only receive.. not give! Of course, guys caught on got bored I guess.... and moved on.I could only be her best friend. And things were good when she dated jerks.. and I knew they were jerks.. but then she needed me more.. for a shoulder to cry on.. my heart ached.But, sooner or later all my girlfriends paired off. I was getting sick of them talking about "him" all the time anyway. What really hurt real bad was when they were finally in a good relationship (or so they thought.. well some were for them) they would say. "Gee, we wish you would fine someone.. we want you to be happy too!"Do you know that I know a young lesbian couple.. who about expressed the same sentiments. Hey, I just got out of a long term relationship.. okay, it was two years or more ago. But, I never had my 20's or 30's with young women... and those wonderful, beautiful bodies. Makes my heart ache. Of course I got crushes on younger, way younger women. Don't worry and used my head and didn't make a total ass of myself. Well, two times.. I was in my fifties, they were in their thirties! You know .. sometimes .. the runner stumbles!But, I'm getting my head screwed on "more" correctly now I think. I have a lover who is a year older than I am.... and it's very nice... Very!I can't help but wonder and miss the good doctor from time to time. For some reason I have been thinking a lot about her lately. I wish she could just wrap her arms around me and heal my heart (even if just for a minute) like she did that beautiful sunny fall day in September in 2004. I so felt her love that day. She saved my life! I miss her! I wish I had that feeling back once again.. that connected heart-to-heart feeling when she held me.. I can't explain it. I think the universe sent an angel that day to heal me.. to love me. God I miss her!Did you ever think something or someone in your life was totally impossible? But, remember that when you were with her..she was very easy to be with. I ended her sentences and helped her think of things.. that I knew she wanted to mention. I know it sounds very strange. It just might have been my imagination or my desperation that made we think we connected somehow.. maybe spiritually? I don't know.All I know is that I can't shake this. But, when I watched "What the Bleep Do We Know?" I see that we can perpetuate a thought or feeling because when we think of something the synapses (electrical message firing between cells) remembers... that path gets built and in order for me to stop the pattern from repeating over and over again. I need to "change the subject" so to speak whenever I have thoughts of her. It's tough, especially when thoughts of her are a comfort to me.. it's very tough. Like it was when I was a kid; daydreaming about "her" a wonderful woman in my life.. someone who was kind to me usually; or cute, was comforting to me and gave me a sense of hope.. it was the love for me that I created for myself. I know that wonderful woman in my dreams loved me.. and wanted to hug and comfort me... I knew that.. because.. they had been nice to me.So, I know exactly why I fell so in love with the doctor.. she was cute and very kind and had a wonderful sweet way about her...he loved me.. if only for that moment.. she loved me.. and that day when I needed to be loved so much.. I felt her love. I had been thinking about her for months.. all summer. Hard as I tried, I couldn't shake thoughts of her.Bottom line.. something was wrong with my life and I wasn't getting my needs met. My family was driving me insane.. I hide that I was retired for a whole year. And truth be told, for the first time in my life.. I have time to relax and think and daydream. I felt sexual once again, that the stress from working such a hectic job was gone now. So bottom line my life took on a major change... some people get sick for change.. I fell in love. But, I ended the long term relationship, moved to another state, found a 34 year old to date and have sex with and ditched my so-called family. Yes, major changes! I was head-over-heels for that 34 year old too. Oh god it was magical.. pure magic! And I guess what happened to me was that I allowed myself to be myself and not allow other people to influence me.. Oh yes, I was in therapy once again.. I had been through the years because of the Catholic guilt thing and feeling that I had to please everyone but myself. It took me three therapist and many years to come to the point where I just ditched them all... I am important now!I think everyone should go off the deep end once in a while.. not just mid life crisis.. maybe on a regular basis.. life is to explore.. everything in it and about yourself.Now, I'm back to being me.. totally.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
