As a young woman I began dating boys in high school even though I had huge crushes on girls. I guess I just accepted the situation the way it was. There were no gay people, that I knew of, in my school. Oh, a sissy boy or two, and maybe one of two tom-boy girls; but, I was not like them. I felt that I was much more feminine. So, I thought that I was in a lesbian league of my own.
Beginning in my senior year I dated boys more and more and even went to the prom on a date. I was feminine enough I supposed; anyway, the guys liked me and thought I was cute. It was flattering to have a boy ask me out; which made me feel normal and just like one of the girls.
I particularly liked double dating or dating in groups because that way my "special girl interest" would be involved and I could at least be with her. Oh yes, there were times I dreamed of making love to her but I mostly pushed it away and just felt extreme affection for them. I never talked about the way I felt her with anyone else. Through the years, my brother gave me enough not-so-subtle messages that saying girls were cute or carrying on about them would make other people think that "there was something wrong with me". He was the chip off the old block of my mother. Those two were a pair and still move in sync. Me? I'm totally out of the family picture having silently, without dispute, removed myself from all correspondence and any type of contact. Personally, I should have moved away and escaped by eliminating contact years ago.
The guys I dated were nice enough but my heart beat for someone else and always a young woman. I was usually in love with a girl when I was dating a young man. Deceitful? You bet! But that is the ways of the church, who rules all social norms broad casted via the media which included government influence. It has always been my opinion that there is no separation of church and state, only in theory. The government gives the church tax breaks in turn for influencing parishioners to vote a certain way..usually republican. Republican are for big business and support the industrial military war machine for bottom line big-profits consisting of taxpayers' hard earned tax dollars.
Vietnam was going strong by the time I graduated high school in 1965. My brother narrowly escaped the draft because he had asthma when he was 21. I am a year younger. He worked as a bricklayer apprentice and I as a hairdresser along side my mother. She had great influence over me then. When I was 21 I moved out as did my brother too shortly before he got married.
I lived for a short time with my cousins, a rather huge mistake. They had noisy boyfriends and mainly just screwed around all the time. Me? I didn't! Well, for one thing I was more into women but since I "couldn't" have one; thinking all women were straight I preferred group dating. But, yes, some drunken evening especially late at night I had sex with men. I was on birth control pills for many years until I was close to forty, in fact. Yes, I thought, what the hell, "screw 'em". I took that saying literally.
My heart ached most of the time. In my thirties when all my near friends were marrying off and the group was shrinking I became more and more depressed and more of a loner. I even went into therapy; well, one or two sessions. The first guy looked like he about freaked out when I told him that I loved woman. I couldn't tell if he got great pleasure form hearing this or not. All I know is that he started talking more and more about himself and about "his" family and lifestyle. Who knows? Maybe deep down he too was gay? I got so sick of the secrecy in my heart. It's a wonder I didn't develop a cathartic sickness; but I didn't. Instead the more I got knocked down (as in my youth as a kid) the stronger I bounced back. These ass holes of society were not going to keep me down! So, in my mid thirties, I traded alcohol for working-out and becoming active. Non of my friends were into activities. Women just were not into it; not even bicycling.
There was one guy whom I dated and actually liked but I got dumped for a "real" woman I guess, who was into bicycling. I envied him. And he worked out and took care of himself. I admired him so I got into the notion too. I played tennis alone. Well, against the school building wall where someone marked a line across in lieu of a net. A couple years later, I played tennis on a women's league and with one male friend. He really worked me and had me running back and forth like crazy; but, I loved it.
So, in my thirties I got into dancing (with men), bicycling and running. Yes, I even began to run and found that I loved the high of it. And once more my body felt wonderful and I felt that I really looked good. I even flirted with a woman and marveled at how I could influence her. Soon there was the local free dating ad that I put out. I marveled at all the responses but mostly from "straight couples" wanting a three-some. I talked to but declined one young woman who had just had a baby. I felt powerful, for the first time in my life and loved it. She was practically begging to let me meet up with her. But, a new baby, seemed like a real negative thing at the time. I knew she was bi, and didn't feel it was my cup of tea. But, bi women were more feminine. Butch women are not for me. I have had too many men and secretly loved feminine women to ever want butch.
By the time I was close to forty, I wanted to be in the best physical condition that I could be and I was. I quit smoking in my mid-thirties when I stopped hanging at bar looking for my so-called friends who were beginning to be mostly males because all the women were either married or in long term relationships with men. I was truly becoming a lone. So, for health reasons too, I changed my life style to one of non-alcoholic, non-smoking and working out and I loved it and myself. I think the first time in my life I actually loved myself. It's what working-out does to you and it's a wonderful thing. I was totally on my on and it was easy to eat and do what I wanted to do when I wasn't working. It was the best time of my life! I was on my own with minimum "mother" influence. I saw her as least as possible!
Of course, there were some evening, when I literally came home in a drunken mess and cried and kicked my furniture and asked god to please take me because I loved her so much and couldn't touch her. It so broke my heart. I begged to die. But, I never did.
After I turned forty ( and I had a great birthday celebration with an old boyfriend whom I dated for six or eight years off and on, and a special girlfriend was there too; but of course with her new husband) I became more and more alone and went out by myself to dance with a group of like high-schoolers. Well, the clitchs were pretty pathetic and so high-school that I didn't last long there. So I rode my bicycle on every county road in several counties. I rode six thousand miles one year. And in that year and a half I rode a total of ten thousand miles. I just really got into being myself.
But, then I became looking into the ades. I soon hooked up with a woman at work.
Friday, January 5, 2007
Tuesday, January 2, 2007
Chapter 6
My aunt or my sister? Why was it that half the town thought my aunt was my sister? Why were they so confused?
No, it wasn't them. It was me who was confused and in the dark. It seems everyone knew but me now. My aunt was really my half sister. My mother is fifteen years older than her; was fourteen when she became pregnant. I never heard the whole story. I have no idea who the father is or was? She grew up in a small country community. I guess this all happened right before the war start say in 1942? Anyway, we were all lied too even my half sister who didn't find out until some time in high school.
Just who were they trying to protect? I think my mom got sent to the convent somewhere in the big city to have the baby and she was supposed to give up the baby. My grandmother ended up raising the baby even after mom married my dad and my half sister was about four at the time. My dad didn't want anything to do with the kid that wasn't his I guess.
My dad was mean and cruel and my brother became just like him when they were together. They teased and ridiculed me to tears. I had car trouble one day at work and asked them to come take a look. They asked where were my friends; and why didn't I ask them? Ask your friends. I never asked for anything ever again from them. I was determined to make it on my own and not owe my parents or anyone anything; and I never did. I wonder if they ever noticed? I doubt it. They were too busy asking me to do stuff for them.
If men were really fair and honest and forthright woman would have never had to fight for twenty years to get the right to vote and African Americans would have never had to protest to be free, get decent paying jobs and get to vote. We all would have been created equal.. just as the words say. I think that is what most of our forefathers had in mind, don't you?
I'm sure that scientist probably know for a fact that women for surpass men on so many fronts; but I'm sure too that the findings will never be revealed. Why, there might be mutiny! Men have to preach, teach and rule!
So, I think I was about in the eight grade when I found out about my aunt being my half sister. I always envied my half sister, she got to live in town and got to participate in after school activities. She had friends to walk home with. She was cute, bubbling, innocent and very popular with the boys. She had fun! She got married right after high school and had babies right away.
She and I never really got along; she didn't quite know how to act around me nor I around her. We were not your typical sister act; she recented me. In later years we only did things to "help her out" like work for her around her house. She has a son who is gay but in the closet. He was no allie for me either. He acted like he didn't know what I was talking about when my partner and I talked about gay bars in the city. He never brought her partner (or a girl for that matter) with him to his mother's house for family functions. So, in my eyes they were all a bunch of hypocrites and I was no longer playing the silent, I'm not important as you are, game. Instead I bailed!
Personally, I think there is another gay person in that family; but, no one asked my opinion. He's married and I feel sorry for her. No one wanted to see my partner and I together at family functions. In fact, one nephew's wife would pack up the kids when we came in the front door. They always had an excuse to leave as soon as we got there. Funny, when I came by myself, they never had to rush off. I just got tired of all the hypocrites in the family. And all the make believe that everything was "normal".
And my mother! You would have thought she was the queen herself. Boy, could she ever work the room! I got to the point where I couldn't stand to be in the same room with her and had to walk out of her performances. She was always the most self-centered, manipulative, controlling, passive-aggressive person I have had ever seen. She always thought she had to "trick" you into doing things for her. It got sickening! She is in good hands and they are all buddies so farewell to them; just leave me out of it all.
Actually, I am quite happy and do not miss them at all. Toward the end it didn't matter if we were there are not and everyone liked my ex better than myself anyway. Now, if I was a woman and divorced my husband and they still kept in contact with him and acted like there was something wrong with me it would piss me off. But, as I feel now, I don't care if they do think I'm more nuts than a box of rocks; just so they leave me alone!
Yes, for years the woman was dying of something and her she is - still alive. The woman always had to go to the emergency room in the middle of the night in the middle of the weekend.. Yes, she loved drama! The more attention the better. I just couldn't take it anymore! For all of my life the whole world revolved around her. I was her companion and her servant; her crutch! I had finally had enough about three years ago. I'm so glad I managed to escape!
Finally, I have a life of my own.. finally! Finally, I'm an out lesbian, living as a lesbian loving and having sex with woman. I am at home. Funny, with men, I only received; I had nothing to give. With women it's so different. I love it! I can connect with woman; with their hearts and minds and emotions. I just love it! Finally, even though it took me over fifty years to get here. Well, I won't count the years.
And I'll try to forget what the church, government and society in general has done to me. They have robbed me of my life of love. I should have been with woman when I was very young. I should have been allowed to be free to be me! What is wrong with this world? Are men, who have to run everything, just that stupid? Do you really want a woman to pretend she loves you just because she is told she has too? I hate the church! I practically hate all men for treating me like a second class citizen through the years and making a fool out of me!
And no! I was born a lesbian. I have always loved woman. Trust me! I dated enough men to find out I could not change. I feel so violated and cheated. Society sucks! And the government merely uses homosexuals as a diversion away from the real issues. Issues that they are ripping off the American tax payer. But, the general population wants to believe in their government. They want to believe that the government would never kill a president just because he wanted to be good to the people and end a war that was a drafted war for the military industrial war machine; a war for profit! They can't tell you that! They can't tell you that you pay taxes in return for social benefits but instead your tax dollars go to the war machine and into the pockets of industry and a few already rich old white haired men's pockets. You should be upset; after all, you paid for it! The government is throwing your tax money away and into certain industries pockets and big business is shipping your good paying job overseas where people are willing to work it for next to nothing. And your government sits idly by and let's them do it. Soon, there will not be enough hours in the day for the necessary multiple jobs that people will need to make a living because all the good paying jobs are gone. Then where will our tax base be? This government already is in trillions of dollars worth of debt held by other countries.
See, people are so easily fooled. Actually, Rove and the others who control the media and just what we learn and what they what us to hear are geniuses. Either they are very smart or you are very not smart. Actually, government doesn't care about gays or abortions; they just want to distract you away from the real issues..like a war for oil and profit.
See what years of abuse in a male chauvinist world has done to me?
That's is what religion will do to you! Rules and power over others. If religion wasn't really self-serving and was truly good for the people then the church would have us love everyone no matter what their beliefs and differences. I believe the church and government have always worked and looked out for one another. Religion tells us to hate and single out and separate and declare one religion better than another and one group of people better than another. I believe the church and government are working together on the abortion and gay issues to side track interest and attention from a wrongful war that this government does not want to pull out of for industries sake. In turn the church does not have to pay taxes nor worker's compensation to it's employees.
No, it wasn't them. It was me who was confused and in the dark. It seems everyone knew but me now. My aunt was really my half sister. My mother is fifteen years older than her; was fourteen when she became pregnant. I never heard the whole story. I have no idea who the father is or was? She grew up in a small country community. I guess this all happened right before the war start say in 1942? Anyway, we were all lied too even my half sister who didn't find out until some time in high school.
Just who were they trying to protect? I think my mom got sent to the convent somewhere in the big city to have the baby and she was supposed to give up the baby. My grandmother ended up raising the baby even after mom married my dad and my half sister was about four at the time. My dad didn't want anything to do with the kid that wasn't his I guess.
My dad was mean and cruel and my brother became just like him when they were together. They teased and ridiculed me to tears. I had car trouble one day at work and asked them to come take a look. They asked where were my friends; and why didn't I ask them? Ask your friends. I never asked for anything ever again from them. I was determined to make it on my own and not owe my parents or anyone anything; and I never did. I wonder if they ever noticed? I doubt it. They were too busy asking me to do stuff for them.
If men were really fair and honest and forthright woman would have never had to fight for twenty years to get the right to vote and African Americans would have never had to protest to be free, get decent paying jobs and get to vote. We all would have been created equal.. just as the words say. I think that is what most of our forefathers had in mind, don't you?
I'm sure that scientist probably know for a fact that women for surpass men on so many fronts; but I'm sure too that the findings will never be revealed. Why, there might be mutiny! Men have to preach, teach and rule!
So, I think I was about in the eight grade when I found out about my aunt being my half sister. I always envied my half sister, she got to live in town and got to participate in after school activities. She had friends to walk home with. She was cute, bubbling, innocent and very popular with the boys. She had fun! She got married right after high school and had babies right away.
She and I never really got along; she didn't quite know how to act around me nor I around her. We were not your typical sister act; she recented me. In later years we only did things to "help her out" like work for her around her house. She has a son who is gay but in the closet. He was no allie for me either. He acted like he didn't know what I was talking about when my partner and I talked about gay bars in the city. He never brought her partner (or a girl for that matter) with him to his mother's house for family functions. So, in my eyes they were all a bunch of hypocrites and I was no longer playing the silent, I'm not important as you are, game. Instead I bailed!
Personally, I think there is another gay person in that family; but, no one asked my opinion. He's married and I feel sorry for her. No one wanted to see my partner and I together at family functions. In fact, one nephew's wife would pack up the kids when we came in the front door. They always had an excuse to leave as soon as we got there. Funny, when I came by myself, they never had to rush off. I just got tired of all the hypocrites in the family. And all the make believe that everything was "normal".
And my mother! You would have thought she was the queen herself. Boy, could she ever work the room! I got to the point where I couldn't stand to be in the same room with her and had to walk out of her performances. She was always the most self-centered, manipulative, controlling, passive-aggressive person I have had ever seen. She always thought she had to "trick" you into doing things for her. It got sickening! She is in good hands and they are all buddies so farewell to them; just leave me out of it all.
Actually, I am quite happy and do not miss them at all. Toward the end it didn't matter if we were there are not and everyone liked my ex better than myself anyway. Now, if I was a woman and divorced my husband and they still kept in contact with him and acted like there was something wrong with me it would piss me off. But, as I feel now, I don't care if they do think I'm more nuts than a box of rocks; just so they leave me alone!
Yes, for years the woman was dying of something and her she is - still alive. The woman always had to go to the emergency room in the middle of the night in the middle of the weekend.. Yes, she loved drama! The more attention the better. I just couldn't take it anymore! For all of my life the whole world revolved around her. I was her companion and her servant; her crutch! I had finally had enough about three years ago. I'm so glad I managed to escape!
Finally, I have a life of my own.. finally! Finally, I'm an out lesbian, living as a lesbian loving and having sex with woman. I am at home. Funny, with men, I only received; I had nothing to give. With women it's so different. I love it! I can connect with woman; with their hearts and minds and emotions. I just love it! Finally, even though it took me over fifty years to get here. Well, I won't count the years.
And I'll try to forget what the church, government and society in general has done to me. They have robbed me of my life of love. I should have been with woman when I was very young. I should have been allowed to be free to be me! What is wrong with this world? Are men, who have to run everything, just that stupid? Do you really want a woman to pretend she loves you just because she is told she has too? I hate the church! I practically hate all men for treating me like a second class citizen through the years and making a fool out of me!
And no! I was born a lesbian. I have always loved woman. Trust me! I dated enough men to find out I could not change. I feel so violated and cheated. Society sucks! And the government merely uses homosexuals as a diversion away from the real issues. Issues that they are ripping off the American tax payer. But, the general population wants to believe in their government. They want to believe that the government would never kill a president just because he wanted to be good to the people and end a war that was a drafted war for the military industrial war machine; a war for profit! They can't tell you that! They can't tell you that you pay taxes in return for social benefits but instead your tax dollars go to the war machine and into the pockets of industry and a few already rich old white haired men's pockets. You should be upset; after all, you paid for it! The government is throwing your tax money away and into certain industries pockets and big business is shipping your good paying job overseas where people are willing to work it for next to nothing. And your government sits idly by and let's them do it. Soon, there will not be enough hours in the day for the necessary multiple jobs that people will need to make a living because all the good paying jobs are gone. Then where will our tax base be? This government already is in trillions of dollars worth of debt held by other countries.
See, people are so easily fooled. Actually, Rove and the others who control the media and just what we learn and what they what us to hear are geniuses. Either they are very smart or you are very not smart. Actually, government doesn't care about gays or abortions; they just want to distract you away from the real issues..like a war for oil and profit.
See what years of abuse in a male chauvinist world has done to me?
That's is what religion will do to you! Rules and power over others. If religion wasn't really self-serving and was truly good for the people then the church would have us love everyone no matter what their beliefs and differences. I believe the church and government have always worked and looked out for one another. Religion tells us to hate and single out and separate and declare one religion better than another and one group of people better than another. I believe the church and government are working together on the abortion and gay issues to side track interest and attention from a wrongful war that this government does not want to pull out of for industries sake. In turn the church does not have to pay taxes nor worker's compensation to it's employees.
Chapter 5
Through the years my family was keeping me close by, if not physically, then mentally and emotionally. I needed to break away I felt but didn't know how. Work kept me very busy through the years. In fact I worked every holiday for nine years. I really didn't care because the money was good and I got to spend enough time at family functions anyway. And surprisingly enough too, I kept in touch with my friends; my straight friends mostly, at the time. That is before my partner and I got together.
Even in my relationship which was good I was searching for something. I soon lost most interest in sex. I felt I had enough sex with men to last me a lifetime. Work was hectic and I soon lost all interest. We, however, maintained a good relationship.
When she and I got together we moved into my condo, then about six years later, we bought a log home which was very fun but came at a price with high taxes and expensive maintenance. So after five years we sold it and moved back into the condo which I had rented out through a management agency.
Through the years I continued to run, bicycle and work out except for a short time when I turned very butch for some reason cropping my hair, gaining weight, and buying from the men's section of the store. I have no idea why. I guess I was trying to find my niche. However, I grew ever uncomfortable and my feminine side wanted to emerge once again.
Even in my relationship which was good I was searching for something. I soon lost most interest in sex. I felt I had enough sex with men to last me a lifetime. Work was hectic and I soon lost all interest. We, however, maintained a good relationship.
When she and I got together we moved into my condo, then about six years later, we bought a log home which was very fun but came at a price with high taxes and expensive maintenance. So after five years we sold it and moved back into the condo which I had rented out through a management agency.
Through the years I continued to run, bicycle and work out except for a short time when I turned very butch for some reason cropping my hair, gaining weight, and buying from the men's section of the store. I have no idea why. I guess I was trying to find my niche. However, I grew ever uncomfortable and my feminine side wanted to emerge once again.
Chapter 4
I remember when I first started dating. A boy came out to the house one day only for a moment and he left. My dad saw him leave and the next morning when the boy called dad grabbed the phone out of my hands and ordered him never to call back again. The boy called because he wanted to know if I would like to go to the zoo with him. It was a Sunday morning and an innocent enough invitation. I was once again mortified and felt dirty and guilty even though I was perfectly innocent.
I was eighteen or twenty when I went out with a guy who was 28 years old. Of course he wanted me suck him off. Gross! I didn't so we didn't go out again. But, my mother knew his mother and when he broke his leg skydiving my mother told me to take him a six pack and visit him at home where he was living with his mother. Once again I was mortified. Here I am a lesbian acting like a straight woman. Once again I wished I was dead. I took release and rescue in music and in nature and daydreaming about woman. Most of my life I have loved a woman from a distance. She never knew I loved her. I never had sex with a woman until I was past forty. I got so sick of men before that, I thought that I would rather be asexual and do without then to go on living a lie. My life was a lie. I was not my authentic self because of religious social norms and government and anti-media attention against homosexual. Whenever homosexuals were seen on TV news they singled out the most flaming flamboyant queers and extreme butch dykes. I would see these butch dykes and thought to myself.. I can't be a lesbian. Only in recent, very recent years have I gotten to know woman who are lesbians who looks like other feminine straight women. Why in the past lesbians thought that they have to act like men, I"ll never know. All I know is that I it was not my cup of tea. So, bottom line was was born too soon; about, twenty years too soon.
I kept my promise to myself to never marry and to be self-sufficient. The universe blessed me and granted me a good paying jobs with wonderful benefits. I thought I died and went to heaven after working as a hairdresser and when I couldn't take that anymore, working in a bank. The communications job was the best yet and a keeper as long as they would have.
In the early nineties, I went to a channel who channeled Ezekiel, a friendly spirit. He said I would be the one to choose when I wanted to leave my job and that I wouldn't lose it before I was ready to leave it. And that prediction turned out to be true. I was legible to retire and take a buy out when my job did finally move to another state.
In my heart I wanted to be a psychologist, a counselor and work with young people. Ezekiel said that I would be good with young people. When I was young I was not encouraged to go to college; while my parents barely made it through grade school and so decided that I wasn't college material. I was interested in art, writing and loved to read. My mother hated that I read so much and in recent years said she wondered how my lesbian partner could stand to live with me. My mother wanted to keep me down there with her. Yes, I was with my partner for fifteen years.. we were the best of friends and although no longer a couple we are still good friends.
When I first began dating guys I thought well maybe the right one will come along and change me. It never happened. I was always in love with one of my close girl friends at the same time. And of course, they never knew it and of course they were straight and in love with men.
I have to say that I dated many guys and most were gentlemen; well otherwise I would not have gone out with them. When I was younger we group dated which was the best of both worlds because even though I was on a date with a guy usually my best girl friend whom I had a crush on (unbeknown st to her) was usually along with her boyfriend. And group dated was fun. I was fine as long as there were troubled dating and split-ups and the group pretty much consisted of single people But, when I neared the age of forty most of my friends had already gotten married and so I was very much alone. And so I simply got into myself with running, playing tennis, bicycling and working-out. I wanted to be the best I could be at the age of forty and I believe that I was.
Then I came out to a friend at work and soon we hooked up as a couple. We were together for fifteen years. And together we met most of our mutual friends and they remain my closest friends. I wanted our split up to be friendly. I just needed space. She was my first lesbian partner and my only one. Maybe I was experiencing a mid-life crisis; maybe I just wanted to spread my wings a bit before I got too old; who knows?
I was eighteen or twenty when I went out with a guy who was 28 years old. Of course he wanted me suck him off. Gross! I didn't so we didn't go out again. But, my mother knew his mother and when he broke his leg skydiving my mother told me to take him a six pack and visit him at home where he was living with his mother. Once again I was mortified. Here I am a lesbian acting like a straight woman. Once again I wished I was dead. I took release and rescue in music and in nature and daydreaming about woman. Most of my life I have loved a woman from a distance. She never knew I loved her. I never had sex with a woman until I was past forty. I got so sick of men before that, I thought that I would rather be asexual and do without then to go on living a lie. My life was a lie. I was not my authentic self because of religious social norms and government and anti-media attention against homosexual. Whenever homosexuals were seen on TV news they singled out the most flaming flamboyant queers and extreme butch dykes. I would see these butch dykes and thought to myself.. I can't be a lesbian. Only in recent, very recent years have I gotten to know woman who are lesbians who looks like other feminine straight women. Why in the past lesbians thought that they have to act like men, I"ll never know. All I know is that I it was not my cup of tea. So, bottom line was was born too soon; about, twenty years too soon.
I kept my promise to myself to never marry and to be self-sufficient. The universe blessed me and granted me a good paying jobs with wonderful benefits. I thought I died and went to heaven after working as a hairdresser and when I couldn't take that anymore, working in a bank. The communications job was the best yet and a keeper as long as they would have.
In the early nineties, I went to a channel who channeled Ezekiel, a friendly spirit. He said I would be the one to choose when I wanted to leave my job and that I wouldn't lose it before I was ready to leave it. And that prediction turned out to be true. I was legible to retire and take a buy out when my job did finally move to another state.
In my heart I wanted to be a psychologist, a counselor and work with young people. Ezekiel said that I would be good with young people. When I was young I was not encouraged to go to college; while my parents barely made it through grade school and so decided that I wasn't college material. I was interested in art, writing and loved to read. My mother hated that I read so much and in recent years said she wondered how my lesbian partner could stand to live with me. My mother wanted to keep me down there with her. Yes, I was with my partner for fifteen years.. we were the best of friends and although no longer a couple we are still good friends.
When I first began dating guys I thought well maybe the right one will come along and change me. It never happened. I was always in love with one of my close girl friends at the same time. And of course, they never knew it and of course they were straight and in love with men.
I have to say that I dated many guys and most were gentlemen; well otherwise I would not have gone out with them. When I was younger we group dated which was the best of both worlds because even though I was on a date with a guy usually my best girl friend whom I had a crush on (unbeknown st to her) was usually along with her boyfriend. And group dated was fun. I was fine as long as there were troubled dating and split-ups and the group pretty much consisted of single people But, when I neared the age of forty most of my friends had already gotten married and so I was very much alone. And so I simply got into myself with running, playing tennis, bicycling and working-out. I wanted to be the best I could be at the age of forty and I believe that I was.
Then I came out to a friend at work and soon we hooked up as a couple. We were together for fifteen years. And together we met most of our mutual friends and they remain my closest friends. I wanted our split up to be friendly. I just needed space. She was my first lesbian partner and my only one. Maybe I was experiencing a mid-life crisis; maybe I just wanted to spread my wings a bit before I got too old; who knows?
Chapter 3
Years later when I dated I guess I was faltered that the boy asked me out. I went out with boys but secretly loved girls. I had crushes on girls and never had crushes on boys. If I said something about a girl being cute my brother would scold me and say that is what boys are supposed to say. "Someone will think that there is something wrong with you." He preached. He was always preaching and knew everything. I was so jealous when my aunt (whom years later I found out was my sister and not my aunt; that my mother gave birth to her when she was fifteen. A life long family secret or so they thought they were keeping secret. I felt betrayed when I was sixteen and found out at my "sister's" wedding.) taught him to dance. He was going to be able to ask the girls to dance.. I could never ask a girl to dance. A girl would never like me the way she liked a boy because girls were boy crazy.
My heart was crushed. I was doomed. I would never get the love that I needed - never. My heart ached. There was no other girl like me. They were right I thought; I am weird. All I know is that my heart hurt all the time and I felt so alone and daydreamed a lot and fell in love with the TV stars in the TV shows that I used to watch. And I would dream about them at night and daydream about them during the day and this would be my love. I loved them but never expected love back..so it didn't matter that they were off somewhere in Hollywood.
I took pleasure in being spoken to as a friend by the girl I might have had a crush on. I felt privileged when they spoke or invited me to join them in games and things. I was always in agreement so they might like me. I discovered at an early age that my mother acted like she liked me if I did whatever she wanted me too so I carried this behavior onto my friendships with girls and dates with boys. They would ask if I wanted to do this or that and I would reply "I don't care." No matter what they suggested I was in agreement with, so they would like me.
My heart was crushed. I was doomed. I would never get the love that I needed - never. My heart ached. There was no other girl like me. They were right I thought; I am weird. All I know is that my heart hurt all the time and I felt so alone and daydreamed a lot and fell in love with the TV stars in the TV shows that I used to watch. And I would dream about them at night and daydream about them during the day and this would be my love. I loved them but never expected love back..so it didn't matter that they were off somewhere in Hollywood.
I took pleasure in being spoken to as a friend by the girl I might have had a crush on. I felt privileged when they spoke or invited me to join them in games and things. I was always in agreement so they might like me. I discovered at an early age that my mother acted like she liked me if I did whatever she wanted me too so I carried this behavior onto my friendships with girls and dates with boys. They would ask if I wanted to do this or that and I would reply "I don't care." No matter what they suggested I was in agreement with, so they would like me.
Monday, January 1, 2007
Chapter 2
I was born in a small rural community to poor farmers of German descent. Children were taught to honor and obey. No one stepped out of the Catholic norms for fear of isolation and disgrace. There was much ridicule and gossip. Half the town was protestant and the other half was Catholic with Catholic schools and church. A Catholic doctor, bank, grocery store and tavern.
I walked the line. I did what I was told. I didn't understand why anyone would pick on a kid. I did the best I could. I was very lonely and when I started school in the first grade at the Catholic school I was very afraid, not be socially conditioned, and shy. I immediately had a crush on one of the girls who lived in town. I definitely had a crush on the eight grader who came to my aid when I tripped and slide down the sidewalk and skinned my knees and elbows. I didn't cry from the pain; I cried because she was so sweet to me and concerned. I wanted her to hold me; although at the time I couldn't put thoughts are words to the feeling. But, my heart ached and I wanted her to hold me close and love me. I immediately fell in love with her. Just like I did the very kind and loving doctor who was tender and kind towards me many years later in my fifties as I was going through transition and moving away from a long term relationship and separately from my family. There was a time in my twenties when I just needed to be held so badly. At that time, families didn't hug and my girlfriends didn't hug. There was a guy one night who walked me to my car and as if he sensed what I needed, he hugged me. I remember my whole body ached to be hugged and he hugged me until I let go first. Inside I was crying because I didn't quit understand the reason life was the way it was; why I loved woman but was supposed to be with a man. I thought I was the only female who had this problem. I wasn't butch, so I thought that I can't be queer.
When I was a little kid, we lived five miles out of town down a dusty rock road and the wind would blow the dust on my mother's freshly washed clothes she had hanging on the line to dry. I remember her anger. I somehow felt everything was my fault. Or was it helplessness that I felt? Anyway, I felt powerless. I remember times too when my mother told my father now to pee out in the yard where I could see. This made me feel weird and singled me out as if I did something wrong.
I remember riding in the backseat of the maroon 1946 Ford and I could heard the rock bounce up and hit the underside of the car. The dust curled in from the wrecked spot where I mother cut in too soon and clipped a couple's brand new Pontiac they had just purchased at the dealership in town. They stood in horror as my mother wrecked the front end of their new car that they hadn't even driven away yet. I sat silently in the backseat that day. And watched the commotion. I was scared as my uncle came running from the barbershop across the street with the barber's cape still on and blowing like a cape in the wind. The whole event made quite a story to be told for years to come. My mother was a no fault driver; somehow that accident was their fault.
When I first started school in the Fall I was afraid and didn't now anyone. It seems all the girls had their friends already and I knew no one. I was just supposed to join in I guess but I felt scared and isolated so I headed towards my brother who was very social and talking to a group of boys as they ate lunch. He promptly dismissed me and in front of them told me to go away. I was mortified and cried as I wandered back to the girls area and stood near another lonely country girl who didn't know anyone. I was heart broken. I thought for sure my own brother who was a year older who talk to me. Maybe I was just too sensitive. My ex used to tell me I was too sensitive and gave me self-help books to read.
As a kid as school when I did gained a little more confidence it was soon wrecked when one day in daily morning religion class the priest lectured the class. I was once again mortified. He walked up and down the aisle; a big tall gray haired man in all black who smelled of cigars and shook his finger and looked right at me and said that it was a sin to put my hands between my legs. It scared me half to death. I did not discuss or repeat this activity to anyone. How did he know? It was a dreadful day and I worried about it for a long time wondering if my mother knew and told on me. Years later I had problems when I was with a man in achieving orgasm and I didn't know where the problem laid. I sometimes felt that maybe I might had been molested and blocked it. I associated a lack of trust with my sexual problems. I don't know if I felt violated or that I didn't deserve to be loved. I don't know? All I know is that I had not a clue as to how to give or receive love. I thought men just wanted sex. I longed for the love of a woman.
Soon after the first grade ended and during the summer we moved to another small community about ten miles away and I had to meet a whole new set of kids the next Fall. I remember feeling very lonely again and staring out the bus window and my brother who was loud and social making fun of me and telling mom that I was weird and should turn and talk to the kids because they thought I was stuck-up. It seemed I was always wrong in my behavior in social settings. I was shy. Every morning I would make it to school when before I would get sick on the bus. I was feeling sick is why I wasn't social. After I did get sick on the bus the driver always made sure when I got on that I would sit in front of the bus. He made a kid get up and move to the back. Again, another older girl was very sweet to me that morning I got sick and I cried because she was so kind. I immediately loved her and in my heart wanted her to hold me too. But, that morning, I felt sick and embarrassed and scared and thought that I would be in trouble for causing a commotion. I was afraid that I disappointed my mother and she wouldn't like me no more. Years later, I put the thoughts into motion that her love was conditional on my obeying her and doing just want she wanted. If I didn't go good then she wouldn't like me and I was already feeling alone. My father never spoke or associated with me; only to correct or scold or belittle me. I was afraid of him. He was big and I only came up to his knees in height. I was always afraid to ask him for anything even years later like when I wanted air pumped into my tires. I always wanted mom to ask him for me and she would say. "You ask him." and I was always afraid and he was glad that I was afraid. I could tell because he laughed at me and acted like it was a big inconvenience for him to do that for me. So, I tried never to have to ask him for anything. Years later when I was near high school age I sword that I would be independent and have a good job so I would never have to ask them for anything; because, I always got the feeling that I dare not and that my parents never wanted to give me anything. Besides by high school I never wanted to owe them anything and have them come back to me and tell me what they had to do for me. I bought my own first car. I never went to college; of course, they thought I wasn't college material long before high school anyway. I was told by them that I was destined to be like them. My life was all mapped out anyway. I was supposed to get married and I thought that day when my mother said that "no way" would I marry and live like her - under a man's thumb. They fought all the time and he never did anything for her or anything she wanted to do. I had thought for years that they should get divorced and then mom and I could move into town close to my friends and the beauty shop where she worked. But, she was stubborn and would never leave him. She pretended to society that she was happily marriages when she wasn't. It was a disgrace to be divorced. All I know is that I would have been much happier living in town and not out there where I was isolated and only surrounded by their fighting and arguing and my loneliness. I was trapped. It seems my brother was always running off with the boys in the neighborhood. There was nothing but boys around. Boys had much more freedom then girls. Boys were favored to carry on the family name. Girls were taught to always allow the boy to win at whatever activity was going on and to make him think all ideas were his. I hated that and really felt that I was worthless and didn't matter at all. Certainly, my feelings or ideas were not important. Girls were taught to be docile and subservient and walk behind men. I use to hate to see women following a few steps behind the man. I especially hated it when young men did it to me.
When I was a kid isolated out there in the country on the farm I spent many days alone in the summer as my mother worked in her beauty shop in town and dad in the fields. I learned to be almost content alone. When my mother was home I was constantly by her side waited for the next command. It seems she couldn't fix a meal without my assistance. She was always barking commands. When I would ever leave the room to do myself in my room or anything I would know that in a few minutes she would be calling my name and asking what I was doing and where was I and couldn't I come help her with something. I had no life for myself! Finally, I just stayed in the room and stood there leaning against the freezer waited for my next command. I never bothered to sit down because she always had me jumping up to get something or do something. It drove me nuts.
And as a kid I had no opinion. Kids were not to speak their opinion or talk back; a smack in the face would follow if that were done. Yes, I got spankings from dad and hollered at from mom. By the time I was a freshman in high school I was wishing that I was dead. In high school I used to wish that they would just pretend that I didn't exist. I know that changing hormones played a big part in my emotions too at the time. I remember feeling dizzy when I got up fast or raised my head fast..or just getting out of the car.
I always thought that I wanted to be a boy because boy were valued and got some many more privileges than girl. Girls were sissy and stupid - well most of them. I didn't want to be like them. Little did I know that I was gaining knowledge by observing my parents and brother and I vowed the man would make an ass of me and that I would be independent and never marry. My mother too killed any decide I might have had about having kids. I hated kids. I had no love in me to give...I was drained. I could only manage self-preservation that even at the time I didn't know or could put terms to what I was experiencing or feeling. I know one day when my "sister" had boyfriends stop by out at the farm. My mother told me not to hide in the house and be backward. I had no interest in those boys. My sister was boy crazy. She got to live in town with my grandmother who by the the way was as cold as a fish. I never got any love or hugs from her either. My sister had fun and went to basketball games and dances and was popular and had many friends. I only saw my friend during school time. Of course I was four years younger. When finally I was sixteen and got my drivers license then on Sunday, I could take the car the three miles into town and visit friends who would call me once in a while when (and they made it clear) they needed a car and driver so they could ride around and flirt with boys. The kids in town got to walk to the malt shop. I was so jealous.
My escape was the music at the time; the rock and roll. There was only AM radio and two good stations that played good music. For eighth grade graduation my got a transistor radio and it was my pride and joy. I would take long walks in the evening out on the field roads and daydream when I listened to the music that "she" loved me. Oh, just anyone, that I had a crush on at the time - that she would love me. And I was her hero. I saved her life time and time again and she loved me. Yes, life was terribly lonely. My daydreams and imagination kept me going. There was no such thing as social services then or anti-depressants for kids. The only time we went to town was when my mom wanted to visit my aunt (actually, my half-sister. I never know who her father was. I never asked). I do remember though that we had more fun when my "aunt" was around. My mom laughed and played more and we got more treats. When my aunt was in high school and going steady with her finance' she would come out on weekend to clean the house for money. We never had a relationship; not an aunt to niece or sister to sister relationship. I was more of a nuisance then anything. One day she slapped me after I was becoming more comfortable around her and teased her with an ice cube on the back of her neck like my brother used to get away with. Well, she didn't think it was humorous at all and hurled around and slapped me on the face. I was in shock. Well, it was my fault because I didn't realize that she was having a spat with her boyfriend and he had just driven up the lane and had turned around without coming to the door and was leaving again. Anyway, I guess I picked the wrong time to be funning around. That splat killed the playfulness in me with her. I kept my distance. I truly believed that there was something really wrong with me and I couldn't get along with anyone. So, I became more isolated and kept quiet.
When my sister got married I was in the wedding party. I didn't want to be. I certainly didn't want to wear that ugly bright blue green dress and those stupid dyed shoes that matched. I rode in the car with a friend of the grooms. He was nice enough; but we didn't talk. He was about six years older than me. I was just becoming a freshman. Anyway, my brother scolded me at one of the taverns we stopped at and said that from the car he was in following us he could see that I wasn't talking and that I should talk me. Again, I felt like a total failure. It seemed everything was my fault and I couldn't do anything right. I was a total fish out of water. So, I guess about then I learned to make more of an effort to strike up conversation and do what was expected of me. I was totally not being myself. I was in a way taught that everyone else was more important. Everyone elise's' feelings we more important than mine. I got so used to hearing "what would people think". That line was my mother's litany or mantra. My brother and sister fit right in I and dad were the weirdest ones. Mom hated dad because he never wanted to go anywhere with her or do what she wanted him to do.
One day I guess I was just in high school she was cooking or clearing the table right after breakfast and they were arguing and she said. "I just want to take a knife and stick it in him and twist it." I thought holy cow.. why doesn't she divorce him. She made all the money that went into school things and the house. God knows I heard that argument time and time again. My parents were always arguing over money. Mom said the little bit he made farming he put right back into the farm. She was never happy! My dad was happy if everyone let him alone. Soon he began to sit up late at night and drink and smoke cigarettes and could have burned the house down around me..the living room was under my bedroom; but, I was lucky when he fell asleep his dropped cigarette only burned a spot on the carpet. I was always afraid.
Seems like my half-sister and my brother were normal and social. They were big hits with my mother who was soon planning a wedding for my half-sister. They were crazy about her boyfriend. I was pretty much on the side lines and that was the way I liked it. My dad used to sit at night, sometimes all night and drink. When I was twenty-one and would go out at night he would be sitting up when I got home and in the morning still up sitting there in the living room with the TV turned down so low there was no way he could even hear it. But, in the morning, still drunk he would accuse me of whoring. My mother never held up for me or came to my defense. I think she was glad he yelled at me. I don't know why. But, I know she took pleasure in it. She never take my side.
Even when I was about seven or eight years old and let the German Shepard loose because he begged to be let loose and want to play she never held up for me or tried to stop dad from beating the dog to death while he made me watch. We had little pigs and after I played with the dog I guess I got distracted and the dog went over to the pig pens and jump in and killed two little pigs. I dad was irate and made me hold the dog. I asked him what he was going to do as he was walking to the shed and he said teach the dog and me a lesson. He made me hold the dog by the collar as he walked to the shed. I had no idea he was going to come back with a big heavy iron hammer. I was frozen with fear. He then took the dog from me and held the dog between his legs and began beating the dog on the head. The dog looked at me like "what did I do". Again it was all my fault. He beat and beat and beat the dog until there was blood and he was tired of beating. My mother and half-sister sat in the house hidden with her little beagle she lived with in town with my grandmother. She was out visiting. My mother had that same smirk on her face later when I came into the house. She never came to my defense. I had stood frozen in fear and sincerely thought that I would be beaten with the hammer next. Because he told me to stand there. I thought I was next in line for a lesson. He let the semi-conscious dog lie there until he died. I was in shock. For many years I couldn't tell anyone what happened that evening. I was too ashamed! I said when I did finally tell one of my boyfriends that it was my fault I let the dog loose. My dad lost me totally the day he accused me of being a whore and I walked away from him and he commanded me to come back and I didn't. That was the last straw I hated him after that and had no sympathy or pity for him when he became sick all though my mother commanded me for years each Sunday to visit him in the nursing home. I hated him and I hated her. I never shed one tear when he died. I was in my early forties when he died.
I walked the line. I did what I was told. I didn't understand why anyone would pick on a kid. I did the best I could. I was very lonely and when I started school in the first grade at the Catholic school I was very afraid, not be socially conditioned, and shy. I immediately had a crush on one of the girls who lived in town. I definitely had a crush on the eight grader who came to my aid when I tripped and slide down the sidewalk and skinned my knees and elbows. I didn't cry from the pain; I cried because she was so sweet to me and concerned. I wanted her to hold me; although at the time I couldn't put thoughts are words to the feeling. But, my heart ached and I wanted her to hold me close and love me. I immediately fell in love with her. Just like I did the very kind and loving doctor who was tender and kind towards me many years later in my fifties as I was going through transition and moving away from a long term relationship and separately from my family. There was a time in my twenties when I just needed to be held so badly. At that time, families didn't hug and my girlfriends didn't hug. There was a guy one night who walked me to my car and as if he sensed what I needed, he hugged me. I remember my whole body ached to be hugged and he hugged me until I let go first. Inside I was crying because I didn't quit understand the reason life was the way it was; why I loved woman but was supposed to be with a man. I thought I was the only female who had this problem. I wasn't butch, so I thought that I can't be queer.
When I was a little kid, we lived five miles out of town down a dusty rock road and the wind would blow the dust on my mother's freshly washed clothes she had hanging on the line to dry. I remember her anger. I somehow felt everything was my fault. Or was it helplessness that I felt? Anyway, I felt powerless. I remember times too when my mother told my father now to pee out in the yard where I could see. This made me feel weird and singled me out as if I did something wrong.
I remember riding in the backseat of the maroon 1946 Ford and I could heard the rock bounce up and hit the underside of the car. The dust curled in from the wrecked spot where I mother cut in too soon and clipped a couple's brand new Pontiac they had just purchased at the dealership in town. They stood in horror as my mother wrecked the front end of their new car that they hadn't even driven away yet. I sat silently in the backseat that day. And watched the commotion. I was scared as my uncle came running from the barbershop across the street with the barber's cape still on and blowing like a cape in the wind. The whole event made quite a story to be told for years to come. My mother was a no fault driver; somehow that accident was their fault.
When I first started school in the Fall I was afraid and didn't now anyone. It seems all the girls had their friends already and I knew no one. I was just supposed to join in I guess but I felt scared and isolated so I headed towards my brother who was very social and talking to a group of boys as they ate lunch. He promptly dismissed me and in front of them told me to go away. I was mortified and cried as I wandered back to the girls area and stood near another lonely country girl who didn't know anyone. I was heart broken. I thought for sure my own brother who was a year older who talk to me. Maybe I was just too sensitive. My ex used to tell me I was too sensitive and gave me self-help books to read.
As a kid as school when I did gained a little more confidence it was soon wrecked when one day in daily morning religion class the priest lectured the class. I was once again mortified. He walked up and down the aisle; a big tall gray haired man in all black who smelled of cigars and shook his finger and looked right at me and said that it was a sin to put my hands between my legs. It scared me half to death. I did not discuss or repeat this activity to anyone. How did he know? It was a dreadful day and I worried about it for a long time wondering if my mother knew and told on me. Years later I had problems when I was with a man in achieving orgasm and I didn't know where the problem laid. I sometimes felt that maybe I might had been molested and blocked it. I associated a lack of trust with my sexual problems. I don't know if I felt violated or that I didn't deserve to be loved. I don't know? All I know is that I had not a clue as to how to give or receive love. I thought men just wanted sex. I longed for the love of a woman.
Soon after the first grade ended and during the summer we moved to another small community about ten miles away and I had to meet a whole new set of kids the next Fall. I remember feeling very lonely again and staring out the bus window and my brother who was loud and social making fun of me and telling mom that I was weird and should turn and talk to the kids because they thought I was stuck-up. It seemed I was always wrong in my behavior in social settings. I was shy. Every morning I would make it to school when before I would get sick on the bus. I was feeling sick is why I wasn't social. After I did get sick on the bus the driver always made sure when I got on that I would sit in front of the bus. He made a kid get up and move to the back. Again, another older girl was very sweet to me that morning I got sick and I cried because she was so kind. I immediately loved her and in my heart wanted her to hold me too. But, that morning, I felt sick and embarrassed and scared and thought that I would be in trouble for causing a commotion. I was afraid that I disappointed my mother and she wouldn't like me no more. Years later, I put the thoughts into motion that her love was conditional on my obeying her and doing just want she wanted. If I didn't go good then she wouldn't like me and I was already feeling alone. My father never spoke or associated with me; only to correct or scold or belittle me. I was afraid of him. He was big and I only came up to his knees in height. I was always afraid to ask him for anything even years later like when I wanted air pumped into my tires. I always wanted mom to ask him for me and she would say. "You ask him." and I was always afraid and he was glad that I was afraid. I could tell because he laughed at me and acted like it was a big inconvenience for him to do that for me. So, I tried never to have to ask him for anything. Years later when I was near high school age I sword that I would be independent and have a good job so I would never have to ask them for anything; because, I always got the feeling that I dare not and that my parents never wanted to give me anything. Besides by high school I never wanted to owe them anything and have them come back to me and tell me what they had to do for me. I bought my own first car. I never went to college; of course, they thought I wasn't college material long before high school anyway. I was told by them that I was destined to be like them. My life was all mapped out anyway. I was supposed to get married and I thought that day when my mother said that "no way" would I marry and live like her - under a man's thumb. They fought all the time and he never did anything for her or anything she wanted to do. I had thought for years that they should get divorced and then mom and I could move into town close to my friends and the beauty shop where she worked. But, she was stubborn and would never leave him. She pretended to society that she was happily marriages when she wasn't. It was a disgrace to be divorced. All I know is that I would have been much happier living in town and not out there where I was isolated and only surrounded by their fighting and arguing and my loneliness. I was trapped. It seems my brother was always running off with the boys in the neighborhood. There was nothing but boys around. Boys had much more freedom then girls. Boys were favored to carry on the family name. Girls were taught to always allow the boy to win at whatever activity was going on and to make him think all ideas were his. I hated that and really felt that I was worthless and didn't matter at all. Certainly, my feelings or ideas were not important. Girls were taught to be docile and subservient and walk behind men. I use to hate to see women following a few steps behind the man. I especially hated it when young men did it to me.
When I was a kid isolated out there in the country on the farm I spent many days alone in the summer as my mother worked in her beauty shop in town and dad in the fields. I learned to be almost content alone. When my mother was home I was constantly by her side waited for the next command. It seems she couldn't fix a meal without my assistance. She was always barking commands. When I would ever leave the room to do myself in my room or anything I would know that in a few minutes she would be calling my name and asking what I was doing and where was I and couldn't I come help her with something. I had no life for myself! Finally, I just stayed in the room and stood there leaning against the freezer waited for my next command. I never bothered to sit down because she always had me jumping up to get something or do something. It drove me nuts.
And as a kid I had no opinion. Kids were not to speak their opinion or talk back; a smack in the face would follow if that were done. Yes, I got spankings from dad and hollered at from mom. By the time I was a freshman in high school I was wishing that I was dead. In high school I used to wish that they would just pretend that I didn't exist. I know that changing hormones played a big part in my emotions too at the time. I remember feeling dizzy when I got up fast or raised my head fast..or just getting out of the car.
I always thought that I wanted to be a boy because boy were valued and got some many more privileges than girl. Girls were sissy and stupid - well most of them. I didn't want to be like them. Little did I know that I was gaining knowledge by observing my parents and brother and I vowed the man would make an ass of me and that I would be independent and never marry. My mother too killed any decide I might have had about having kids. I hated kids. I had no love in me to give...I was drained. I could only manage self-preservation that even at the time I didn't know or could put terms to what I was experiencing or feeling. I know one day when my "sister" had boyfriends stop by out at the farm. My mother told me not to hide in the house and be backward. I had no interest in those boys. My sister was boy crazy. She got to live in town with my grandmother who by the the way was as cold as a fish. I never got any love or hugs from her either. My sister had fun and went to basketball games and dances and was popular and had many friends. I only saw my friend during school time. Of course I was four years younger. When finally I was sixteen and got my drivers license then on Sunday, I could take the car the three miles into town and visit friends who would call me once in a while when (and they made it clear) they needed a car and driver so they could ride around and flirt with boys. The kids in town got to walk to the malt shop. I was so jealous.
My escape was the music at the time; the rock and roll. There was only AM radio and two good stations that played good music. For eighth grade graduation my got a transistor radio and it was my pride and joy. I would take long walks in the evening out on the field roads and daydream when I listened to the music that "she" loved me. Oh, just anyone, that I had a crush on at the time - that she would love me. And I was her hero. I saved her life time and time again and she loved me. Yes, life was terribly lonely. My daydreams and imagination kept me going. There was no such thing as social services then or anti-depressants for kids. The only time we went to town was when my mom wanted to visit my aunt (actually, my half-sister. I never know who her father was. I never asked). I do remember though that we had more fun when my "aunt" was around. My mom laughed and played more and we got more treats. When my aunt was in high school and going steady with her finance' she would come out on weekend to clean the house for money. We never had a relationship; not an aunt to niece or sister to sister relationship. I was more of a nuisance then anything. One day she slapped me after I was becoming more comfortable around her and teased her with an ice cube on the back of her neck like my brother used to get away with. Well, she didn't think it was humorous at all and hurled around and slapped me on the face. I was in shock. Well, it was my fault because I didn't realize that she was having a spat with her boyfriend and he had just driven up the lane and had turned around without coming to the door and was leaving again. Anyway, I guess I picked the wrong time to be funning around. That splat killed the playfulness in me with her. I kept my distance. I truly believed that there was something really wrong with me and I couldn't get along with anyone. So, I became more isolated and kept quiet.
When my sister got married I was in the wedding party. I didn't want to be. I certainly didn't want to wear that ugly bright blue green dress and those stupid dyed shoes that matched. I rode in the car with a friend of the grooms. He was nice enough; but we didn't talk. He was about six years older than me. I was just becoming a freshman. Anyway, my brother scolded me at one of the taverns we stopped at and said that from the car he was in following us he could see that I wasn't talking and that I should talk me. Again, I felt like a total failure. It seemed everything was my fault and I couldn't do anything right. I was a total fish out of water. So, I guess about then I learned to make more of an effort to strike up conversation and do what was expected of me. I was totally not being myself. I was in a way taught that everyone else was more important. Everyone elise's' feelings we more important than mine. I got so used to hearing "what would people think". That line was my mother's litany or mantra. My brother and sister fit right in I and dad were the weirdest ones. Mom hated dad because he never wanted to go anywhere with her or do what she wanted him to do.
One day I guess I was just in high school she was cooking or clearing the table right after breakfast and they were arguing and she said. "I just want to take a knife and stick it in him and twist it." I thought holy cow.. why doesn't she divorce him. She made all the money that went into school things and the house. God knows I heard that argument time and time again. My parents were always arguing over money. Mom said the little bit he made farming he put right back into the farm. She was never happy! My dad was happy if everyone let him alone. Soon he began to sit up late at night and drink and smoke cigarettes and could have burned the house down around me..the living room was under my bedroom; but, I was lucky when he fell asleep his dropped cigarette only burned a spot on the carpet. I was always afraid.
Seems like my half-sister and my brother were normal and social. They were big hits with my mother who was soon planning a wedding for my half-sister. They were crazy about her boyfriend. I was pretty much on the side lines and that was the way I liked it. My dad used to sit at night, sometimes all night and drink. When I was twenty-one and would go out at night he would be sitting up when I got home and in the morning still up sitting there in the living room with the TV turned down so low there was no way he could even hear it. But, in the morning, still drunk he would accuse me of whoring. My mother never held up for me or came to my defense. I think she was glad he yelled at me. I don't know why. But, I know she took pleasure in it. She never take my side.
Even when I was about seven or eight years old and let the German Shepard loose because he begged to be let loose and want to play she never held up for me or tried to stop dad from beating the dog to death while he made me watch. We had little pigs and after I played with the dog I guess I got distracted and the dog went over to the pig pens and jump in and killed two little pigs. I dad was irate and made me hold the dog. I asked him what he was going to do as he was walking to the shed and he said teach the dog and me a lesson. He made me hold the dog by the collar as he walked to the shed. I had no idea he was going to come back with a big heavy iron hammer. I was frozen with fear. He then took the dog from me and held the dog between his legs and began beating the dog on the head. The dog looked at me like "what did I do". Again it was all my fault. He beat and beat and beat the dog until there was blood and he was tired of beating. My mother and half-sister sat in the house hidden with her little beagle she lived with in town with my grandmother. She was out visiting. My mother had that same smirk on her face later when I came into the house. She never came to my defense. I had stood frozen in fear and sincerely thought that I would be beaten with the hammer next. Because he told me to stand there. I thought I was next in line for a lesson. He let the semi-conscious dog lie there until he died. I was in shock. For many years I couldn't tell anyone what happened that evening. I was too ashamed! I said when I did finally tell one of my boyfriends that it was my fault I let the dog loose. My dad lost me totally the day he accused me of being a whore and I walked away from him and he commanded me to come back and I didn't. That was the last straw I hated him after that and had no sympathy or pity for him when he became sick all though my mother commanded me for years each Sunday to visit him in the nursing home. I hated him and I hated her. I never shed one tear when he died. I was in my early forties when he died.
Chapter 1
I was born September 24, 1947. This year, 2007, I will be 60. 1947 was the year when UFO's and Martians crash landed in Boswell, New Mexico. The first-class postage cost 3 cents. St. Louis Post-Dispatch dated January 1, 2007: The Dead Sea Scrolls were still a secret. Few people had heard of "The Diary of Anne Frank" or "A Streetcar Named Desire." There was no state of Israel. Recorded music came on 78 rpm phonograph discs, but not rock 'n' roll, which didn't exist. There was no such thing as an H-bomb, "Peanuts" or color TV. England had a king. Polio was incurable. Stalin dreaw breath. "Hillary" was a mountain climber, but Everest was unconquered.
The Topeka schools were segregated. Rosa Parks rode in the back of the bus. Jet travel was limited to military pilots and never faster than the impassable speed of sound. Submarines ran on diesel oil. Holden Caulfield was still in draft form, and so was Willy Loman. Babe Ruth was sick. Jackie Robinson was a minor leaguer. IBM was working on a computing machine, as big as a room, called UNIVAC.
This memoior is about me and how I felt unique and never that I fit into my family. I was born a lesbian for which I never knew or never had the term to describe the special feelings I had for girls with none of these feelings for boys. I felt isolated and on the outside looking in most of the time.
I was born into an authoritarian society one in which the church ruled politicans and society in general. Church rules were filled with extreme opposites: Heaven or hell; black or white..there was no gray area. Men has social rules to follow and women had their own. The classified section of the newspaper listed jobs for men and a separate list of jobs for women; jobs such as nurses, secretaries, teachers, librarians, telephone operators, and of course mothers and housewives was the preferred occupation. Women vowed to love order and obey...words written by the church. The church set the social norms for men and women and did not approve of birth control. To death due us part were the wedding vows of the church. The holier than thou almighty church! Controlling and manipulating..feeling people need to be tricked into doing their bidding.
I came from German decent on both sides of my family. My dad was a farmer as his dad before him; in fact they farmed together. They both spoke german and my father joined him in conversation laughing and poking fun at my mother in German. I sat there at the dinner table watching this male chauvinist display of belittlement. The angier she got the more they liked it and the funnier they thought it was. If they did speak English and she tried to join in the conversation they told her she was stupid and in so many words shut up. Those were the men of my family..controlling, belittleing woman haters.
Yes, cold German farmers walking behind the horse and plow. I remember seeing my grandfather in the fields all bent and slowing making clucking sounds to control the old horse slowing walking putting the single shear through the solid hard soil. I remember watching him and smelling the clean earth and watching the black birds shallow or carry off worans. My mother's side of the family were small farmers too and factory workers.
I was born in 1947 two years after World War II ended and women were encouraged to leave factory work behind and go back to the kitchens. Jobs were intended for men. Industry stopped making machinery and supplies for work and went back to producting their unusal products for American consumers.
We were poor country folks in four people in a one bedroom house. My brother a year older than I. The house was cold in the winter with no indoor plumbing. Only people in town had in side bathrooms. We only had an outhouse.
My dad liked to sit in the travern a few miles down the road. My mother made a grave mistake one day when she called there and told the bartender to have dad come home. Of couse, he had two more beers even if he was ready to leave for a man cannot be dominated by a woman. Other men like to laugh and make fun of men who got phone calls from their wives as they sat in the tavern. But, the first rule was never leave as soon as she called; but, rather show whose boss by having a few more beers. Men were heads of families and made all the decisions usually without consulting their wives. He made all the decisions of where to live and what car to buy because women were the weaker sex and besides they were too fragial physically as well as mentally to understand such matters. Mothers past these beliefs on to their daughters. A women needed a good man. And a good man was one who was a good provider and didn't beat or followed the rule of thumb which meant not to beat with any rod bigger round than his thumb.
This is the lifestyle that I was born into. My, I had my work cut out for me! Born into a male oriented authoriaian society ruled by religion where women hide the fact that they were pregnant, even the married ones. Doctor's delivered babies while fathers waited in waiting room helpless and maintaining distance without bonding with his wife and newborn. And not understanding or participating in the process of labor and delivery.
When I was born, women didn't have many rights or any credit. If a woman got divorced she usally ended up ostracized from family and friends. She was declared the fallen woman even if he was the one who cheated on her. It was always determined that if she was a better wife then he would have no reason to roam. For no matter what...the blame always fell on the woman. The priest and doctor was no help for they wrote the rules that woman had to follow.
Woman were indeed second class citizens and soon learned how to work the system. Even if she knew better she didn't let on and led her boyfriend, bother, father are whoever think that they were always right. I remember my mother telling me to always make him think it was his idea and to let him win. My brother beat on me constantly and belittled me which all went unseen by my mother. Her defense was boys have to be mean and tough so they can fight wars. Unspokenly, because I learned fast not to argue with either my parents. To argue was a no win situation and besides I was a stupid girl anyway.
I could never understand why a girl would want to marry a boy anyway? Why?
When I was very small my first memories were of being afraid of my father and being tormented by my brother. I remember as a toddler coming up to my mother's knee and wanting her to pick me up and hold me. I longed to be loved and held by her. She told me that I was too big and I knew in my heart that I would never be held or hugged. My father laughed when she said this; he was colder than she. I wondered out loud one day why they had me. She answered to help me in the kitchen and your brother to help dad outside. I was mortified. To work?
I remember an ache in my heart all of my life; a void; an emptiness. It was the lack of love. I felt unworthy. I felt unwanted. Children of that era were taught to be seen and not heard and to love and obey their parents no matter what because they were your parents. This was a great burden to put on a child.
I was never encouraged to try hard in school but just merely get by because I was only going to get married and have kids anyway. Having my future mapped out depressed me. My destiny was one of servitude, and entrapment and loneliness. I never liked or understood men; yet, I was supposed to be thrilled loving, honoring and obeying a man. I just couldn't understand why any woman would want that. Why couldn't she want me? Why couldn't I have her. I could not put words to these feelings; I just knew my life was doomed for loneliness and sadness.
The Topeka schools were segregated. Rosa Parks rode in the back of the bus. Jet travel was limited to military pilots and never faster than the impassable speed of sound. Submarines ran on diesel oil. Holden Caulfield was still in draft form, and so was Willy Loman. Babe Ruth was sick. Jackie Robinson was a minor leaguer. IBM was working on a computing machine, as big as a room, called UNIVAC.
This memoior is about me and how I felt unique and never that I fit into my family. I was born a lesbian for which I never knew or never had the term to describe the special feelings I had for girls with none of these feelings for boys. I felt isolated and on the outside looking in most of the time.
I was born into an authoritarian society one in which the church ruled politicans and society in general. Church rules were filled with extreme opposites: Heaven or hell; black or white..there was no gray area. Men has social rules to follow and women had their own. The classified section of the newspaper listed jobs for men and a separate list of jobs for women; jobs such as nurses, secretaries, teachers, librarians, telephone operators, and of course mothers and housewives was the preferred occupation. Women vowed to love order and obey...words written by the church. The church set the social norms for men and women and did not approve of birth control. To death due us part were the wedding vows of the church. The holier than thou almighty church! Controlling and manipulating..feeling people need to be tricked into doing their bidding.
I came from German decent on both sides of my family. My dad was a farmer as his dad before him; in fact they farmed together. They both spoke german and my father joined him in conversation laughing and poking fun at my mother in German. I sat there at the dinner table watching this male chauvinist display of belittlement. The angier she got the more they liked it and the funnier they thought it was. If they did speak English and she tried to join in the conversation they told her she was stupid and in so many words shut up. Those were the men of my family..controlling, belittleing woman haters.
Yes, cold German farmers walking behind the horse and plow. I remember seeing my grandfather in the fields all bent and slowing making clucking sounds to control the old horse slowing walking putting the single shear through the solid hard soil. I remember watching him and smelling the clean earth and watching the black birds shallow or carry off worans. My mother's side of the family were small farmers too and factory workers.
I was born in 1947 two years after World War II ended and women were encouraged to leave factory work behind and go back to the kitchens. Jobs were intended for men. Industry stopped making machinery and supplies for work and went back to producting their unusal products for American consumers.
We were poor country folks in four people in a one bedroom house. My brother a year older than I. The house was cold in the winter with no indoor plumbing. Only people in town had in side bathrooms. We only had an outhouse.
My dad liked to sit in the travern a few miles down the road. My mother made a grave mistake one day when she called there and told the bartender to have dad come home. Of couse, he had two more beers even if he was ready to leave for a man cannot be dominated by a woman. Other men like to laugh and make fun of men who got phone calls from their wives as they sat in the tavern. But, the first rule was never leave as soon as she called; but, rather show whose boss by having a few more beers. Men were heads of families and made all the decisions usually without consulting their wives. He made all the decisions of where to live and what car to buy because women were the weaker sex and besides they were too fragial physically as well as mentally to understand such matters. Mothers past these beliefs on to their daughters. A women needed a good man. And a good man was one who was a good provider and didn't beat or followed the rule of thumb which meant not to beat with any rod bigger round than his thumb.
This is the lifestyle that I was born into. My, I had my work cut out for me! Born into a male oriented authoriaian society ruled by religion where women hide the fact that they were pregnant, even the married ones. Doctor's delivered babies while fathers waited in waiting room helpless and maintaining distance without bonding with his wife and newborn. And not understanding or participating in the process of labor and delivery.
When I was born, women didn't have many rights or any credit. If a woman got divorced she usally ended up ostracized from family and friends. She was declared the fallen woman even if he was the one who cheated on her. It was always determined that if she was a better wife then he would have no reason to roam. For no matter what...the blame always fell on the woman. The priest and doctor was no help for they wrote the rules that woman had to follow.
Woman were indeed second class citizens and soon learned how to work the system. Even if she knew better she didn't let on and led her boyfriend, bother, father are whoever think that they were always right. I remember my mother telling me to always make him think it was his idea and to let him win. My brother beat on me constantly and belittled me which all went unseen by my mother. Her defense was boys have to be mean and tough so they can fight wars. Unspokenly, because I learned fast not to argue with either my parents. To argue was a no win situation and besides I was a stupid girl anyway.
I could never understand why a girl would want to marry a boy anyway? Why?
When I was very small my first memories were of being afraid of my father and being tormented by my brother. I remember as a toddler coming up to my mother's knee and wanting her to pick me up and hold me. I longed to be loved and held by her. She told me that I was too big and I knew in my heart that I would never be held or hugged. My father laughed when she said this; he was colder than she. I wondered out loud one day why they had me. She answered to help me in the kitchen and your brother to help dad outside. I was mortified. To work?
I remember an ache in my heart all of my life; a void; an emptiness. It was the lack of love. I felt unworthy. I felt unwanted. Children of that era were taught to be seen and not heard and to love and obey their parents no matter what because they were your parents. This was a great burden to put on a child.
I was never encouraged to try hard in school but just merely get by because I was only going to get married and have kids anyway. Having my future mapped out depressed me. My destiny was one of servitude, and entrapment and loneliness. I never liked or understood men; yet, I was supposed to be thrilled loving, honoring and obeying a man. I just couldn't understand why any woman would want that. Why couldn't she want me? Why couldn't I have her. I could not put words to these feelings; I just knew my life was doomed for loneliness and sadness.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
