A Problem of Intimacy

I wonder what my problem is? Is it commitment? Fear of being dominated. Incorporated that special someone into my life of friends and activities? I think the later applies.

I meet someone, see them casually and orgasms are electric. Then they begin to dominate the situation and I'm done. I get to the edge and fall back and can't reach an orgasm. It is very frustrating.

This relations has been fine for a year because I called the shots. One afternoon a week. I loved telling her of my friends and the running and the golf and all other activities.

Soon, I began incorporating her into the mix and the organisms won't happen. Even after she wanted to book the vacation in February of 08 which I was so hesitate about. But, I know myself and the nearer it got the more I would resist and pull back sexually.

A week of non-organismic sex? No thanks! Besides can't go to the bathroom around someone special in my life either. Don't ask me why? I was in a fifteen year relationship and it took me the longest time. I never went on vacations for that reason. If I did, I went to the bathroom immediately when I got back home. The same thing happens even for one night.

I think my sexual problems began after seeing her casually, weekly or twice weekly for a year. Frankly, I liked that arrangement. And I liked keeping her "separate" from my friends. Well, I messed that up and began doing other things with her and introducing her to my friends.

The orgasms are gone and they were so electric that they would about send me to the ceiling and out the roof. Now? Nothing but frustration and a dull heartache after hours of trying.

I guess it's time to move on and find another. I'm tired! I'm frustrated! This has happened all of my life. I finally gave up in my 40's and had a 15 year non-orgasmic relationship. We slept separately. I sleep very lightly and can't even sleep with anyone. I'm really messed up.

She would never stay and sleep with me finally when out of town she did. She kept me awake with nervous jumps and twitches. She's horny all the time...and comes all the time! So, did all of my other sexual partners. They never had any problems! It doesn't even make me angry any more...I accept that I have intimacy problems and other people don't. They can get off all the time...not me. The more simulation I get the less I want after a while...but I think it's emotional simulation more than physical. I'm just not a relationship person I guess?

After many years the frustrations builds up and I began to blame people...my family. Well, they are a bunch of idiots anyway. I never fit in there and it seems the ass holes abused me! I was also raised in isolation without friends or friendly siblings. I was used and abused.

I'm tired! I thought this time this relationship would be different. Well, it's not! I was the same with guys too in my younger days. As soon as they incorporated me into their life...gone were the orgasms. I died inside. I'm so tired. I will never go back to men. No I am a lesbian....I'm just a mentally, sexually, emotionally messed up lesbian. And tired!